Tuesday, 11 March 1976 (continued)
‘Mr Eric Heffer!’ came the Speaker’s cry. Ted turned his head, and his eyes darted to the aptly-named bovine member for Liverpool Walton. The barrel-chested red assumed his best expression of somberness.
‘Mr Speaker,’ Heffer began, ‘Will the House join me in applauding the dignity and appropriate speed with which the Prime Minister has assumed his duties after the tragedy of the last 24 hours?’
There was a loud murmur of agreement. Heffer paused for a moment, then continued.
‘The Prime Minister has declared that it is in the interests of the country and the memory of his predecessor that the work of government continues as smoothly and efficiently as possible. I understand in his unusual dual capacity as Leader of the House he waived the proposed suspension of business in the late Mr Wilson’s name.’
Ted felt Marcia’s eyes boring into him from the gallery. Joe, no doubt, was similarly unimpressed. The Speaker made a gesture to indicate Eric had better get on with whatever his question was going to be. Heffer cleared his throat.
‘In this vein, Mr Speaker, will the Prime Minister assure me that, when he meets with the delegation from the Soviet Union this weekend, which I understand will include Mr Gromyko himself, he will remind our colleagues in Moscow that their fellow socialists expect socialist governments to behave in a democratic manner befitting their name? Will he condemn the human rights abuses currently being undertaken in the name of an ideology which, after all, requires democracy like the human body requires oxygen?’
There was an uproar from the learned members of the House as the Trotsky quotation nudged their memories. Ted rose to his feet and silence fell.
‘Mr Speaker, I should like to begin by echoing my remarks of yesterday morning. Harold Wilson was a good man, and a great Prime Minister. I am sure members on all sides of this House will agree with me if I assert that he will go down in history as a reformer, a champion of the underdog and a pillar of strength around which this country has rallied around time and time again. I would also like to thank my honourable friend for reminding the House that in the interests of continuity and the smoothest possible transition of government – not least towards the election of my own, more permanent successor –‘ Ted smiled inwardly, ‘the business of this House and the ministries of this government will continue to operate as normal. In answer to his question, I thank him for his concern for Britain’s relationship with the Soviet Union, and invite him to meet with me at a time to be arranged during the visit of Mr Gromyko’s delegation.’
Ted sat down, breathing an inaudible sigh of relief. He looked around him and became aware that there was dead silence in the House. He turned to his left and saw Roy’s eyes were aghast. The Home Secretary, as delicately as possible, whispered into his ear.
‘Did you just invite a Trotskyite to a meeting with the leaders of the bloody Politburo?’
Ted wryly opened his mouth, ready to deny that he had done any such thing. But, all of a sudden, the colour drained from his face when he realised that actually, he had. Before he could say or do anything else, the Speaker’s voice erupted once more.
‘Mrs Margaret Thatcher!’
*
‘He’s just given the biggest fucking Trot in the party carte blanche to piss all over a meeting with the ideologically sensitive pricks in charge of our gas supply,’ hissed Joe into Marcia’s ear, ‘not to mention how delicate détente has been recently!’
Marcia merely nodded, aware that the ruthless attendants were stood nearby, ready to expel them like children talking at the cinema if they made too much noise. She leant forward slightly to better hear Thatcher’s opening question.
‘…his remarks about Mr Wilson. We on this side of the House wish him personally the very best of luck in this tumultuous week.’ She paused, then turned her head slightly.
‘However,’ she continued, ‘in the interests of continuing the business of this House and this country, Does the Prime Minister accept that the Mozambique Government are either conniving at or fomenting terrorism, possibly with aid from their friends in Moscow, against black and white Rhodesians across the frontier?’
Joe put his head in his hands again.
‘And here she comes with the one fucking thing we didn’t brief him on this morning…’
The Leader of the Opposition’s drone continued.
‘Will he also accept that, quite apart from the illegal régime in Rhodesia, we, and not the Commonwealth, have the ultimate responsibility for Rhodesia? Therefore, is he aware that many Conservative Members believe that it is quite wrong to give aid to Mozambique in those circumstances?’
She sat down to ‘hear hear’s aplenty. If Ted was phased, however, he didn’t show it.
‘Mr Speaker, I do not accept the right Honourable lady’s view that Mozambique is ‘fomenting’ anything. Their government has been exceptionally patient and tolerant in not invoking the sanctions which the UN Security Council has called for. We on this side of the House invoked them while the Honourable lady was unable to unite her party on this issue, splintered as it was into… three factions, was it?’
The Speaker called for order as Labour members gleefully nodded and thrust three fingers into the air as if they were a different gesture entirely. Joe narrowed his eyes and clenched his fist slightly in celebration.
‘The boring bastard remembers the proceedings himself. For a long time I thought Harold was the only man in Whitehall who could keep it all buzzing around in his head.’ Again, Marcia only nodded.
‘…and so I must ask the Honourable lady now, does the Conservative Party support the sanctions or doesn’t it? It is all very good to lambast this government for inaction over something which we do not accept is happening, this government which, after all, took decisive action against the real destabilising forces in the region by imposing sanctions on Rhodesia, and this government which this weekend will repeat, in person, in the strongest terms possible, that the Soviet Union had better think again about any plans for intervention in that part of Africa, or indeed any part!’
As he reached this crescendo, the Labour benches erupted and Ted sat down to a storm of pats on the back. He allowed himself a small grin. Joe huffed in approval.
‘We’re still going to have to do something about Heffer,’ he said defiantly. ‘That’s another fine mess he’s gotten us into.’
*
Denis thundered his approval of Ted as the PM sat back down again. Good show, he thought, very fine work seeing off Thatcher like that. As Thorpe rose to make some banal point or other, Denis’ mind wandered to his plan of action regarding the leadership. He’d been working the Tearooms all morning, and had decided he would declare an intention the next day, probably just after breakfast. On paper, he stood no chance with Jim running, but with Michael rumoured to be out of the way he might pick up a few of the ‘Stop Jim’ lot, the ones who would never touch Benn, that is, maybe even enough to make it through to the final round. Once Jim had chucked it in by about 1981 or so, he would be ideally placed to swoop in and keep Tony from taking the party to hell in a vegetarian handbasket.
And that was a worst case scenario that might not even happen. Talking in the Tearooms this morning, a lot of members on the right of the party were less keen on Jim than they would have been if they’d heard the rumours he’d heard. There was a persistent one in cabinet that Jim was going to be subtly presented as Harold’s natural successor but Harold had conked out just before he planned to set everything in motion. The rumour was useless to Jim – after all, he would say that, wouldn’t he – and no-one running against him was about to start spreading it. With the right campaign, there was a sliver of a hope of a chance. And Denis wanted it. He was hungry for it. His focus drifted back to the Liberal leader and member for North Devon.
‘…given that, as the right Honourable lady to my right is fond of saying, the Labour Party is at present a coalition of Socialists and near-Marxists, does the Prime Minister feel that the government’s economic strategy – to be outlined by the Chancellor later today, I understand – is in tune with the attitudes of the British people? We face times that require tougher economic measures than any time since the war. His party doesn’t want to talk about that – only about Europe, which the left loathe and the right adore, and about the TUC, which the right loathe and the left adore. Mr Speaker – we are promised a smooth transition, and I have no doubt that this government can grant us that. But can we be sure that this transition will take us to a government that actually knows what it’s doing?’
Denis snarled and waved his order paper as he joined the jeers against the irrelevant little man from cider country. He settled down as Ted rose to speak, and his mind wandered once again to the amazing possibilities of a Foot-less leadership race.
*
Ted gripped the sides of the dispatch box as he sneered at Thorpe.
‘This government is united behind the policies of the Treasury and of our National Executive, neither of which are taking orders from the TUC. I suggest the right Honourable gentleman buys a book of parliamentary insults not written in 1923.’
Another surge of activity, the Tories now even joining in the laughs at Thorpe’s red-faced expense. Ted indulged the roars before continuing.
‘The right Honourable gentleman is fond of bringing up Europe because he wishes to get his name in the papers tomorrow and upon the public’s lips all week. I submit to this House that he will get his wish – but for reasons rather more sordid than parliamentary populism!’
The House exploded. The Speaker hollered for order and made noises approaching a caution for Ted about bringing up the business of Exeter Magistrates’ Court in a parliamentary sitting, but the damage was done. Ted grinned as he sat down, while Thorpe shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Thatcher still looked lost for words. The Accidental Prime Minister had seen off all comers for now. He still had the small matter of Eric Heffer charging around a meeting with Gromyko like a Trotskyite bull in a china shop, but as princes and rogues prepared to drag each other into the mud in the fight over that famous black door, he was perfectly content to bask in the roars of approval of a government in dire need of good day.
