The Smoking Room Bar – Palace of Westminster – October 30th 2003
D: Norman, mind if I join you?
N: Not at all, David – are you trying to avoid this Diwali nonsense?
D: ‘Fraid so – they don’t go in for it much in my neck of the woods, you know.
N: Nor mine – did you see the papers this morning? I can’t believe the Sun – “it’s worse than that, he’s survived”. I mean, what kind of irresponsible shit do they employ as a sub these days?
D: I know but at least the Mail and the Telegraph were a little kinder. Still, I can’t help but wonder..
N: What’s that, my dear fellow?
D: Whether we’ve really done the right thing.
N: Look, the man has had his problems and Brent was a terrible result but we’ve had bad by-elections before and we’ve not dropped the pilot. In any case, after what happened with Margaret, we couldn’t have knifed another leader – my Chairman wouldn’t have forgiven me for one. He told me a couple of the committee were going to join bloody UKIP if we’d done it.
D: Yes, I know but are we really going anywhere with Iain? I mean, we’re flat lining in the polls for God’s sake and Teflon Tony is heading for a third election win.
N: Look, old boy, we know Blair’s going to win again – you don’t overthrow a majority of 160 or more in one hit. In any case, they’re starting to fall apart by themselves – they’ve lost Cook, Denham, that old harridan Short and Milburn could see which way the wind was blowing – “spend more time with his family” more like, “the ship’s hit the iceberg and I’m the first one in the lifeboat”.
Iain gets the majority down to 50 or 60, we then get a new leader in the next Parliament and when Blair quits, as he will, for his well-paid job with the UN or the IMF or whatever, we can pile into the dour Scotsman. Broon is hopeless as a campaigner, we all know it. Put someone half-decent against him in ’09 or 10 and we’ll be back with a thumping majority, mark my words.
D: Such as?
N: Beg your pardon…
D: Who would we put up against Brown – Portillo, Michael, Davis, Ken, William?
N: Well, certainly not Portillo – the 2001 election broke him as you know. Michael Howard’s a good man.
D: Well, we’d certainly get the vampire vote and the undead vote.
N: I know what you mean – the Parliamentary Party won’t back Ken Clarke, the man’s virtually a liberal. William doesn’t want to do it again. David Davis is a possibility – sound chap, we could do a lot worse.
D: What about one of the younger types?
N: You could always put yourself forward – only joking – well, I don’t know. I hear good things about young Cameron in Witney – well-connected you know and Osborne up in Cheshire, another possible but they’ve barely served their time. Davis is the man and he’ll look and sound so much more convincing against Brown.
D: Perhaps but I’m worried about the liberals – they’re working my seat hard and I’m only 3,000 ahead.
N: Look, old chap – no one in their right mind is going to think of that Scots drunk as a potential Prime Minister. He’s played the anti-war card well, no question, but he’s a lightweight. Why do you think he’s called “Chatshow Charlie”? In any way, most of his lot will go in with Labour – no, we need someone who will get the real Tory voters back, the ones who’ve sat on their hands or buggered off to UKIP since ’97. David Davis can do that.
D: I’m more worried about the present – Blair will go to the country next year.
N: Yes, but there’s a lot of disillusionment and anger out there – people will come back to us, slowly at first, but once Brown takes over, we’ll get them in droves.
D: I hope we get enough of them back in time. A lot of people aren’t happy with Iraq in my constituency and every time Iain shoves his head further up George Bush’s backside, the worse it is for me.
N: Look, we’re all concerned but we have to see it through. Once we get Saddam, it’ll quieten down and everyone will see Iain was right and the voters will move away from Charlie and back to us.
D: I really hope you’re right. I think my seat is one of the liberals “target lists”.
N: Don’t worry, old bean. We’ll see off Charlie as we did the two Davids in ’87. Then it’ll be just us and Labour – without Blair, Labour are a ragtag and bobtail. Iain will have done his bit – the ’22 will tell him to step aside, he’ll endorse Davis and we’ll take the fight to Brown. We’ve done the right thing. Ditching Iain now would have been a disaster.
D: We’ll see – thanks for the drink, Norman.
D: Norman, mind if I join you?
N: Not at all, David – are you trying to avoid this Diwali nonsense?
D: ‘Fraid so – they don’t go in for it much in my neck of the woods, you know.
N: Nor mine – did you see the papers this morning? I can’t believe the Sun – “it’s worse than that, he’s survived”. I mean, what kind of irresponsible shit do they employ as a sub these days?
D: I know but at least the Mail and the Telegraph were a little kinder. Still, I can’t help but wonder..
N: What’s that, my dear fellow?
D: Whether we’ve really done the right thing.
N: Look, the man has had his problems and Brent was a terrible result but we’ve had bad by-elections before and we’ve not dropped the pilot. In any case, after what happened with Margaret, we couldn’t have knifed another leader – my Chairman wouldn’t have forgiven me for one. He told me a couple of the committee were going to join bloody UKIP if we’d done it.
D: Yes, I know but are we really going anywhere with Iain? I mean, we’re flat lining in the polls for God’s sake and Teflon Tony is heading for a third election win.
N: Look, old boy, we know Blair’s going to win again – you don’t overthrow a majority of 160 or more in one hit. In any case, they’re starting to fall apart by themselves – they’ve lost Cook, Denham, that old harridan Short and Milburn could see which way the wind was blowing – “spend more time with his family” more like, “the ship’s hit the iceberg and I’m the first one in the lifeboat”.
Iain gets the majority down to 50 or 60, we then get a new leader in the next Parliament and when Blair quits, as he will, for his well-paid job with the UN or the IMF or whatever, we can pile into the dour Scotsman. Broon is hopeless as a campaigner, we all know it. Put someone half-decent against him in ’09 or 10 and we’ll be back with a thumping majority, mark my words.
D: Such as?
N: Beg your pardon…
D: Who would we put up against Brown – Portillo, Michael, Davis, Ken, William?
N: Well, certainly not Portillo – the 2001 election broke him as you know. Michael Howard’s a good man.
D: Well, we’d certainly get the vampire vote and the undead vote.
N: I know what you mean – the Parliamentary Party won’t back Ken Clarke, the man’s virtually a liberal. William doesn’t want to do it again. David Davis is a possibility – sound chap, we could do a lot worse.
D: What about one of the younger types?
N: You could always put yourself forward – only joking – well, I don’t know. I hear good things about young Cameron in Witney – well-connected you know and Osborne up in Cheshire, another possible but they’ve barely served their time. Davis is the man and he’ll look and sound so much more convincing against Brown.
D: Perhaps but I’m worried about the liberals – they’re working my seat hard and I’m only 3,000 ahead.
N: Look, old chap – no one in their right mind is going to think of that Scots drunk as a potential Prime Minister. He’s played the anti-war card well, no question, but he’s a lightweight. Why do you think he’s called “Chatshow Charlie”? In any way, most of his lot will go in with Labour – no, we need someone who will get the real Tory voters back, the ones who’ve sat on their hands or buggered off to UKIP since ’97. David Davis can do that.
D: I’m more worried about the present – Blair will go to the country next year.
N: Yes, but there’s a lot of disillusionment and anger out there – people will come back to us, slowly at first, but once Brown takes over, we’ll get them in droves.
D: I hope we get enough of them back in time. A lot of people aren’t happy with Iraq in my constituency and every time Iain shoves his head further up George Bush’s backside, the worse it is for me.
N: Look, we’re all concerned but we have to see it through. Once we get Saddam, it’ll quieten down and everyone will see Iain was right and the voters will move away from Charlie and back to us.
D: I really hope you’re right. I think my seat is one of the liberals “target lists”.
N: Don’t worry, old bean. We’ll see off Charlie as we did the two Davids in ’87. Then it’ll be just us and Labour – without Blair, Labour are a ragtag and bobtail. Iain will have done his bit – the ’22 will tell him to step aside, he’ll endorse Davis and we’ll take the fight to Brown. We’ve done the right thing. Ditching Iain now would have been a disaster.
D: We’ll see – thanks for the drink, Norman.
