Election season in the British Republics

I wanted something to keep my brain busy, not to mention serve as a distraction. So I’m going back to a TL I’ve attempted a few times. Until I think of something better I present my timeline by way of coping mechanism

Election season in the British Republics
or
The road to Westminister and/or George Square


2nd September 2013

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Guardsman Simon Neil was bloody bored, warm and bored, warm, sweaty and bored and stuck. His little security checkpoint was like a glass house in the summer sun and he couldn’t prop the door open for fear of being reprimanded for breach of security. He opened the door briefly, looking for an excuse. “Sod it” he mumbled and wandered outside. He looked up the empty road, a stretch of ten metres then another check point. A flashier one, with a light up barrier and sturdier looking building. Air conditioning too, he figures, the flash capitalist bastards. It was probably privately run anyway, the south always was, on the other hand, he was an (almost) equal member of the Border Guards Union The wind turbines on top of it barely moved in the still summer air. By comparison, the Solar panels on top if his checkpoint were loving the weather. The Worker’s republic was winning this instance of the north-south border guard dickwaving competition. He did question why his checkpoint was camouflaged, when it stood two stories high over fields of wheat.


Private Dylan Mills stared briefly at his north border equivalent, what was his problem? and waved disinterestedly before turning back to his tablet. It was hitting the hour at one.


“Live from Westminster, the BBC News with Thomas Crimp”

A news reader at a desk began talking, soon replaced by footage of a politician posing for photos in front of wallpaper marked “Caroline Lucas: Liberty and Prosperity,”

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“These are the headlines at one. Caroline Lucas, the Liberal MP for Exeter and shadow home affairs minister has announced she will seek the Liberal nomination for President. She is the first person to announce their campaign for either of the major parties,”

The sound changed to the woman speaking, lit up by flashes of cameras

“Britain cannot afford to watch as we turn in on ourselves and indulge in self destructive self aggrandisement. We need to reach out to the world and remind them that Britain is open for business and ready to help,”

“Oh for F…” he stopped himself as Jones, one of his co workers walked in

“Oh, fix up, look sharp,” Corporal Jones said, “ Captain Blount is doing his rounds, what’cha watching?”

“Oh just the news, the election has begun,” Mills said in mock grave tones, anyway shut up I’m watching,” The news continued,


“In other news, the French government has been carrying out armed forces training exercises in the mediterranean and along their border with Swabia. It’s believe this is in reaction to increased tensions between several German states,” troops, tanks, planes, all marked with the tricolor and axe

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“The White House has announced that Vice president James Miliband will be visiting the Workers Republic of Britain following the state visit of President Johnson to the Republic of Britain, not a lot has been revealed but it's believe this may lead to a greater diplomatic recognition of the WRB by the United States,” pictures of the young smart face of the Veep and the experienced face of Johnson.


“Also in the News, Greenland celebrated its twentieth anniversary as an American State today, the celebrations in the fifty second state were attended by state Governor Ana Helena and President Johnson. Several world leaders sent well wishes for the Island including President Bill Hague of Great Britain and Chairman Tereschenko of the Soviet Union”

On the screen, Fireworks, snow, more Johnson,

“In sporting news,” Mills stopped caring at this point and looked up. “He’s still staring at me!”

“Who,” jones enquired, not looking up from his phone,

“The Scotsman,”

“He might not be Scottish,”

“You know what I mean,”
 
Same Day. Later that Afternoon


Bill Hague yawned. “I’m a little tempted to call it a day at four years,” he deadpanned. “Let Caz Lucas have it, or you can Julia,” he said, trying to keep a straight face as he looked across the meeting table to the woman opposite him

Julia fixed Bill with a someone stressed stare that screamed “you better be bloody joking” before finally adding “I’m fine in the commons, thanks,”

“Its a bit early isn’t it, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything until the end of the month,” one of Hague’s aides, Oliver something, spoke up, “David Owen said he was running for the libs in august eighty two, while Peter Carrington was on the back foot,”

“But I’m not on the back foot,” Hague said sternly,

“I know Mr President, i was just saying,” Ollie said apologetically,

“I’m sorry Ollie, who am I kidding, I bloody am, right now I am anyway,”

“Let Lucas harp on like a thesaurus, hopefully Grant or some other twit will try and take her down, in the meantime you’ve got the state visit, you’ll look statesmanlike and remind them why you’re the second National President in a row,”

“Don’t jinx it” Hague reminded her, “You know what they say about prime minister presidents who follow two termers,”

“Like who,”

“Olly,” Hague said, awaiting his Aides answer

“Um, Profumo after Eden Barnes after Thorpe and Loughton after Ellis,”

“Dave Loughton didn’t even get elected, doesnt count,” Julia remarked, goading the Aide

“Ellis served two terms though,” Olly replied. Hague cut through them

“I’ve stopped caring!” the President snapped. “You’re right, meeting with Johnson will look good, I’m not Tony Parsons, I can get on with the yanks, and you’re keeping polls up in parliament, Hague and Gillard twenty fourteen and all that,” he said, going to sip his tea and finding it empty. “And bugger Caz Lucas,”

“Not the best idea Bill, you do know why John Profumo stood down don’t you?” Olly chuckled before sinking behind his tablet.
 
Swansea, The RGB
Around the same time


Ian Hislop looked up from his newspaper, preferring news in slowform. “You’re clowning right? You’re not Clowning,” he paused, “I sense Clowns,”

“I’m not clowning Ian,” his assistant said “Research we’ve done suggests you could do well i the primaries.”

“What research, Jen, a few questions on public media net sites? Of course I’m going to poll well on them, I do with young people, they haven’t gone all cynical and old yet,”

“And you’re not cynical and old?” Jen enquired, raising an eyebrow

“I’m cynical, old and a terrible idealist,” He corrected her

“You’re not proving me wrong though. You’ve got a substantial base nationally amongst younger voters who would otherwise go and support a third party or not vote at all. You’re previous media campaigns on Civil Liberties, UNet freedom and investing in the sciences,” Hislop interrupted her

“One attention seeking sod always runs from the back benches, gains a bit of media attention as an also ran then sods off again a few thousand pound poorer. Or worse yet, what if a back bencher actually got elected to lead the party and is absolutely hated by everyone else in Parliament!”

“The thing is, no one really likes the likely candidates,”

“We don’t even know who that is,”

“Lucas,”

“Well obviously! Who else?!”

“Grant maybe, Liz Alsop?” Jen said, searching a bit

“Liz lost to Bill Hague four years ago, why try again,”

“Because everyone’s realised a lot of what she said about Bill Hague was true, he is boring, he is strangling the country and he is Parsons 2.0,”

“We wouldn’t get any media coverage” Hislop added,

“John Ravenscroft said he’d support any campaign you ran,”

“Great, a Pirate radio DJ, vote for pirate for civil liberties and net freedom,” Hislop sighed.

“Think about it, Ian, have you actually heard anyone support Caroline Lucas, rather than just assume she’ll be the next President?” there was a pause

“I’ll think about it,” Hislop finalyl conceded

“Yes!” Jen fist pumped the air, “I’ll put the kettle on,”
 
“One attention seeking sod always runs from the back benches, gains a bit of media attention as an also ran then sods off again a few thousand pound poorer. Or worse yet, what if a back bencher actually got elected to lead the party and is absolutely hated by everyone else in Parliament!”


Not referencing anyone in particular there, I take it. Wouldn't mind having Ian Hislop in charge though.
 
As the titles for Nine O’Clock Live ended, the camera swooped over the crowd then cut to the host, Daniel Cabot smiling at the Camera, hands in his suit pockets in a practised casual pose. “So it's Election season once again!” Sarcastic cheers erupted from the crowd as a tinny, computerised “tada” noise plaid and a single balloon fell into view. The chat show host continued. “Yesterday we heard of MP for Exeter central, Caroline Lucas’ intentions to seek the Liberal Party nomination and that’s great and all but my favourite bit of elections, especially the early stages is the third party candidates,” Cabot turned to his band his go-to yes man, the pianist who said automatic approvals and support. “I'm not saying these guys don’t have a chance of winning but” he paused “they don’t. Well, some of them don’t and already we’ve got two incredible candidates I didn't know existed. First up we’ve got Anthony Methuen, the self styled 8th Baron Methuen. Even though we don't have Barons anymore. sometimes get those old nobility types or those who might’ve been barons or lords or whatever. I bet President Carrington thought about that at least once.” there were some awkward laughs, not Cabot’s best material. Still, the musical rif at his not that funny joke “But get this” Cabot continued as footage was shown of a middle aged man at a somewhat cheap podium and a small crowd.“This guy is running for president as the head of the monarchist party. He says his first act as president would be to invite Henry Windsor. you know him that's the Canadian guy who is technically the heir to the British throne if we still did that, to become king Henry the … Ninth?” the camera cut back to Cabot

“Next up we have Jay Kennedy, head of the Anarchist federation.” a few laughs, “yeah, this guy is a devout anti government type, running for the highest office in the land, this is weird. He says he wants to dismantle the government and place it in the hands of the people doing all the working.” a pause, “So, the WRB, yeah?” he looked to his sidekick at the piano, who nodded back “Yeah, Dan,”

“Yeah, that's what they say they’ve got in the WRB, when you ignore the censorship, the strict guidelines, the secret police etc etc. Still, why try and run here? Mate, its not the seventies any more, you can get a Visa to work there.” he paused with a forced over the top thinking face “Actually it’s probably easier to run for president, good luck mate,”

“What I don’t get about these two is why are they going for this job if they want to get rid of it? we've all had jobs we hate and wanted to but it's another thing to spend £10000 on finding a job you'll immediately quit. I think I’ll do the same, I’m offering the corporation of London ten grand to hire me to clean sewers on one condition, I can quit tomorrow afternoon,” A few awkward laughs, editing will probably put more in, he thinks. Move on.

“We’ve got a great show for you tonight, the wonderful Actress Samantha Lee is here,” cheers, a lot of serial drama fans in. “Jazz Rockers the Meteors are here to play their new single.” Cheers, mostly polite. Then Cabot spoke sideways to the camera, hand in front of moth in a “don't tell anyone” pose, “Speaking of musicians, William Nighy is here! The daddy of Rock himself!” A lot of cheers. Maybe tonight won't be too bad, he thought

“Stay locked to BBC one, we’ll back back after these messages,”


President Bill Hague sighed as the show went to adverts and he minimised the view window on his computer “I miss Humphrey Lyttleton as host,” he mused to himself. Someone knocked at the door, “Come in,” he looked on as his secretary Catherine walked in. “What do you think of Dan Cabot, Cathy?”

“About as funny as a car crash?”

“Makes me wish we still had more control over the BBC, I don't suppose I can renationalise just the one chat show,” he sighed, “How I can I help?”

“Just to let you know another Liberal potential has announced his bid online,”

“Oh? Anyone Major,” he said with a raised eyebrow

“Dennis Woods, former MP for Cheltenham East, foreign policy spokesperson under Lawson then Ellis picked him for Foreign Secretary, he’s currently the Republic’s observer to the GEACPS”

“Oh I think I remember him, awful combover, didn’t go bald with dignity,” Hague snorted “good luck to him”
 
Is this a British type North and South Korea situation, with a stalinist hellhole in the north and a thriving democracy in the south, both claiming to be the legitimate government?
 
Is this a British type North and South Korea situation, with a stalinist hellhole in the north and a thriving democracy in the south, both claiming to be the legitimate government?

Kind of, I've got different plans for the north,
 
OOC: Re-using bits from a previous attempt, but i liked them :D

5th September 2013.
Leeds
The Republic of Great Britain


Jack watched a blimp fly over Leeds city centre. The huge screens hanging from its undersides, cycling through the same silent adverts. Below it he could see the Old Armouries shopping centre and the Gaitskell Allied Telecoms Arena. “JACK” the other person in the rom bellowed. He spun round on his chair to face his employer.

“What do I pay you for?” He demanded. “Come on it's five, time for the truth!” Jack knew his employer had far more enthusiasm than he did. but he paid well, as did his rabid fan following. Jack began checking sound levels as he wrapped the studio headphones around his head, giving the host a thumbs up as the man adjusted his denim jacket and ran his fingers through his curly hair. He began counting down from ten as Jack noted and adjusted the sound levels. “Nine” around the country and the world, self styled radicals were huddling around their laptops with excitement and occasionally sarcasm (neither him nor the host minded, it all brought in advertising revenue) Eight, Seven. “The Truth will Set you free” The middle aged man began psyching himself up Six, Five, he went silent, mouthing “four, three two”

“Good evening truth lovers, it's the top of the hour, you’re listening to Skynet and this is Jeremy Clarkson, your guide through the misleading misconceptions, omnipresent oppressions and Imperialist Imps waging eternal infowars on our hearts and minds.” Jack did his best not to laugh.


“Election season is on us once again brothers and sisters, where the powers that be keep us locked in bondage to our Corporate masters by giving us the illusion of choice, who will it be, the capitalist imperialist Liberals or the Imperial capitalist National party. “

--


Elsewhere, somewhere significantly further north Irvine Welsh listened in on the show via a cracked net account, a half dozen proxies and a bribery and sighed. “bastards stolen my thing”

“You don't take him seriously do you?” his flat mate with the angry eyebrows asked. “He’s kind of on to something,” Welsh said, thinking on it. “he’s too literal, all this talk of capitalist oppression and corporate masters. He sees it as actual councils of illuminati and freemasons when it's bloody obvious what's up, down there it's clear the politicians are in the pay of business, and want to defend the oppressive status quo,”

“why does he make shit like this up then” Angry eyebrows asked as Clarkson went into a rant about the Anglo-American order of Knights templar,

“because Pete, if he makes shit up, even if he doesn't realise he's making it up, he has more control over it, because it's all in his head. If he actually stopped and looked at quite how much the citizenry in the south and all the other American puppets are being shafted, he'd probably crap himself with fear and collapse in a heap at how little influence he actually has over it all.”

“Not that we have systemic oppression here,” Pete commented with a sly grin

“I don't know what you mean, now piss off, I’ve got a column to write” Pete left him alone.Welsh thought for a minute then changed the feed to something more local.

“Good afternoon comrades!” spoke the radio, Welsh giggled slightly. “On 101-103 megahertz, this is drive time, brought to you by Comm-Comm the Glasgow and Clydeside Communications Commune. Bringing you news and travel across the capital and surrounding districts.” the presenter said, seemingly without pausing for breath. Welsh wondered if they’d finally gone the way of some of the southern stations and brought in synthetic radio hosts. Then he figured the employment laws were too strict. “The stories at ten past five. Chairman Eric Tomlinson today proposed to the chamber of representatives he would be offering economic aid to several European allies including the Republic of Swabia, Denmark and the People’s Republic of Hungary,” cut to a soundbite, the thick north west English tones of the chairman, “We show that countries can stand together on the ideals of workers rights and working towards ideals instead of profits. These countries share our ideals and we should promote,” Welsh closed the radio feed, speaking aloud to the empty room “Hungary? Fucking hell, You cannae lie to your soul Ricky,” He moved windows and looked at what he’d written. He shrugged “Tidy enough,” and opened the telly on his screen and with a click it projected against the wall




Transcript from The Evening Edition With Armando Iannucci
STV
5th September 2013



Armando Iannucci: We’re joined Later by Environmental Minister Tom Harris but now we travel south of the Border to discuss the British Presidential election. Excited *pause* No, me neither but of course, when it comes to your education. *pauses and grins sarcastically* STV Cares. And for all matters like this, we’re joined by our British correspondent Liz Perkins, Liz? *pause as people cheer,*

Liz Perkins: Thank you Armando, its great to be here to report on the continual endless loop that is the presidential elections for both 2014 and 2018.

Armando: You mean 2014?

Liz Perkins: No, the process leading up to the presidential election has become to long winded it has in fact lapped itself, starting before the previous election has been carried out.

Armando: Sticking with the 2014 election for now. Am I right in saying most of the potential candidates have made themselves known.

Liz Perkins: Yes, we’re currently in the limbo where pretty much anyone can put their hand up and say “I’m running for president” without actually committing any time or money beyond telling someone else. In that respect I’d like to say *looks straight at the camera* If you’re watching in England, Mum, Dad, I’m running for president.

Armando: Possibly the smaller of the two stories of the day is that someone has entered the fight for Conservative nominee.

Liz: A few people have voiced their disagreement against Hague, mostly as a continuation of their disagreement with President Parsons. So far two have voiced their intention to slay the prematurely balding giant that is the president. MP Robert Kilroy has stated that William Hague is a Liberal in disguise and allowed the country to be overrun with immigrants and refugees. He’s called for the return of the monarchy, an invasion of quote “Scotland” unquote and the removal of all non English people from Britain, possibly including the Welsh. I’m starting to believe Kilroy is a fiction, created to make the president look quite likeable and pleasant in comparison.

Armando: And on the Liberal side?

Liz: An almost credible candidate. James Grant. Grant, who is a strong exponent of British excellence and free enterprise. Primarily this is shown by his teeth.

Armando: His teeth Liz?

Liz: Yes, only a wealthy man with private health care could achieve those teeth. If you tried to get teeth that white on the Scottish Public Health Service, it would bankrupt the nation. Mr Grant is a shining example of how high a man can fly, if your parents have enough money to buy you an orbital rocket.



Irvine Welsh’s Opinion column
The Worker’s Gazette
6th September 2013


Even though there is still almost a year until the Election Day where citizens of the southern republic get to pick the lesser of two evils presented to them, the election process is already underway. The two main brands of politics each first have to nominate who they will try and get into Downing Street and to this end various people throne their hat into the ring (before passing the hat around for donations). Despite them not being chosen until around this time next year they’re already jostling for position on the starting line and it has fallen to me to write about the presidential hopefuls (what did I do to deserve this comrades?)


To understand the candidates we should first understand the system and the parties. The system is very similar to that of the United States. This would make sense as after the War of World Revolution (and our own of liberation) the Americans set up camp in Whitehall and began reshaping their would-be fifty first state in their own image. They set about ensuring that only two parties would have a chance of getting in and that those parties were two sides of the same coin, and we know how much the Americans love their money. A little history lesson. When the Americans were done setting up the United States of Britain they asked (read, positioned, bribed and shoved) Oswald Mosley, leader of the “third way” faction in the Revolutionary War to set up government. Being the power hungry man he was he accepted and went about assembling a party around his ideals of strong economy and investment in the national infrastructure, which was in sorry shape. To this end he and Governor General Eisenhower brought in war criminals like Eden and Halifax to his government as well as those few so called “Labourite” reactionaries who still hadn’t joined the revolution. It is said Mosley wanted to call the party Labour but the Americans so hated any link to revolutionary ideals he settled on what it was “Conservative,” so the Conservatives were reborn, a little bit more center but still acceptably capitalist. To bring about this illusion of democracy those who remained prayed to the gods of the free market and around their little cult and belief in the invisible hand they reformed the Liberal party. This remains to this day the two party system, the Liberals and Conservatives, coincidentally these are the names of the two parties who formed the Churchill government who tried to quash the revolution in its grave. Think on that what you will

Feel educated? Well here goes with their electoral system. Each of the local branches of each of the two main parties votes on which of their party’s candidates they want to be their nomination. These are known as primaries and basically mean the people only have a decent say in who is going to be president if they buy into the party system. Each region or county then gets to assign their votes to the candidate who got the most votes within that region. This is a little like how regional cooperatives and unions get to select their representatives at the National congress but instead of letting the people vote, they get to chose who the people can pick from.

From there, the candidate for each party with the most votes wins the nomination and from March next year goes on to campaign against their near identical foe for the role of President. This vote is similar, with each region selecting who they as a whole chose as president through representatives within “the electoral college.” This means if you do not vote for a candidate from the main two parties, you are essentially wasting your vote, this quashes any democratic change or radical thought. In the last election the third largest party, the democrats (depressingly, the closest thing to decent revolutionary thought the south has) got twenty percent of the votes but not one of those votes were reflected within “the electoral college”. The two party system continues, the president gets into power supported by donations from special interest groups, corporations and other enemies of democracy and the need for revolution grows stronger and stronger.


Next week I shall discuss those fans of the free market and cultists of capitalism, the Liberal party
 
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