Dirty Laundry: An Alternate 1980s

[Brainbin]

Meanwhile, Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” begins a six-week ‎stay as the nation’s number one song, displacing Toni Basil’s cheerleader-anthem “Mickey.”

What a fun butterfly! Though in terms of raw catchiness, I do have to give the nod to "Mickey", but "Gloria" takes me back. (Not me personally - I wasn't alive back then - but my mother was a fan and played it far too often throughout my childhood.) "Mickey" is also responsible for one of the most underrated Weird Al parodies.

Also, I love the dialogue section. It's really fun to try to get into the heads of these people, and explore motivations and character interactions.

[Not sure why the image sometimes seems to load and sometimes not -- click here to view my custom Atari ad.

Did you really design that ad yourself? Very impressive.

So there you have it: a bit more background on how Atari comes to shelve the 5200 and 1200XL and stay afloat during Jack Tramiel's crazy price wars of the 1980s, plus some fun hints for the future. Thoughts?

Very clever to transpose the Video Game crash into the Home Computer market. From what I can gather, there are only three men standing by the end of 1984: Commodore, Atari, and Apple. (I presume that IBM is still dominant in offices and research facilities). It's nice that you didn't try to prevent the utter dominance of the good old C64 - I never had one either, but I'm old enough that there were still C64s in our classrooms and computer labs when I was a young child.

I like the "Work Hard, Play Hard" idea - marketing video and computer games to adults was obviously a mixed bag at this time - there were pornographic Atari games, of course, including (most notoriously) Custer's Revenge - presumably the challenge will be, as IOTL, marketing to mature audiences without crossing the line into outright pornography. But then again - it was the 1980s. Perhaps sex and nudity can be better integrated into games, which might create a less extreme industry than IOTL (where you can see a woman's blown-up insides, but you can't see her nipples). I definitely see that being a major challenge, which should face considerable resistance, regardless of what decision producers make (and, of course, this ties into discussions that we've had on the subject earlier ).

Glad to see this still chugging along - I love the little details especially, but then I've always been a fan of little touches and believed that they really help to create a world. Looking forward to more!

 

[Andrew T]

"Mickey" is also responsible for one of the most underrated Weird Al parodies.

Oh, that's a good one I hadn't seen before. And of course it's about that wacky redhead....

Did you really design that ad yourself? Very impressive.

Thanks! Like the TTL Atari itself, it's cobbled together from existing Atari components. There was always a group (led by Steve Mayer) at Atari arguing for "high-end" components and some of these managed to make it to the market. The problem was that IOTL, Warner decided to go after the low-end Commodore/TI market -- a move that made no sense at the time and even less sense in retrospect.

Very clever to transpose the Video Game crash into the Home Computer market. From what I can gather, there are only three men standing by the end of 1984: Commodore, Atari, and Apple. (I presume that IBM is still dominant in offices and research facilities).

Yep, although I've basically given Atari much of Apple's role IOTL and potentially thrown a monkey-wrench into the next half-generation of Apple 8-bit machines (the IIc, IIe, and IIgs). The Macintosh is still going to be the hit of the 1984 Winter CES ITTL, though.

It's nice that you didn't try to prevent the utter dominance of the good old C64 - I never had one either, but I'm old enough that there were still C64s in our classrooms and computer labs when I was a young child.

I think Jack Tramiel literally was insane; by the end of 1983 he was essentially selling the C-64 at cost, and nothing on earth is going to stop millions and millions of people from taking advantage of that.

There's a reason why Tramiel was fired from Commodore in '84, after all.

I like the "Work Hard, Play Hard" idea - marketing video and computer games to adults was obviously a mixed bag at this time - there were pornographic Atari games, of course, including (most notoriously) Custer's Revenge - presumably the challenge will be, as IOTL, marketing to mature audiences without crossing the line into outright pornography.

Custer's Revenge is almost certainly a few million times more popular today than it was in the 1980s (thanks to Cracked). I view this as a subset of the OTL problem of third parties producing crappy, crappy games and flooding the market -- a problem of which Atari is definitely aware.

But then again - it was the 1980s. Perhaps sex and nudity can be better integrated into games, which might create a less extreme industry than IOTL (where you can see a woman's blown-up insides, but you can't see her nipples). I definitely see that being a major challenge, which should face considerable resistance, regardless of what decision producers make (and, of course, this ties into discussions that we've had on the subject earlier ).

Remember that one of the preeminent video game designers of TTL is Carla Meninsky, so you might see a greater diversity of opinion that in OTL.

Glad to see this still chugging along - I love the little details especially, but then I've always been a fan of little touches and believed that they really help to create a world. Looking forward to more!

Many thanks!

 

[Andrew T]

Third Stage

Third Stage (album)‎
From *Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Third Stage is the third album by American hard rock band Boston released August 15, 1983 on ‎Warner Bros. Records. The album was recorded at Tom Scholz's Hideaway Studio over a three-‎year period “between floods and power failures.”[1] Many [who?] consider Third Stage to be a concept album, and when performed live, the band played the entire album in order rather than any individual song.[2] It is the last Boston album featuring Brad ‎Delp on vocals before he left to become Van Halen’s frontman in 1985.[3]‎

After winning a legal battle with Epic Records, Scholz switched his band's recording label to ‎Warner Brothers.[4] The first track on Third Stage, “Amanda,” was actually written in 1980 ‎‎(when Boston began work on the album) and became the band's first #1 single. A bootleg tape ‎of “Amanda” was leaked in early 1983 and became the lead single when Third Stage was finally ‎released later that year.[4] The track reached and stayed at #1 for seven weeks beginning in ‎September of 1983. It was followed by two additional Top 10 singles: “Hollyann” and ‎‎“We’re Ready,” both of which charted from 1983 to 1984. A fourth single, “Still in Love (With You)” ‎peaked at #11, and a fifth single, “Cool the Engines,” failed to crack the Top 40.‎

Third Stage went to #1 on the Billboard 200 where it stayed for twelve weeks.[5] The album ‎was a first in many respects: the first Boston LP to feature electronic drum samples, the first ‎Boston LP without original members Barry Goudreau, Sib Hashian and Fran Sheehan (though ‎Hashian and Sheehan were included in the early recording sessions and Sheehan received a ‎writing credit), and the first (and only) Boston LP without the iconic guitar UFO dominating the ‎cover art, though a small image of it is present. Original drummer Jim Masdea plays drums on ‎most of the album.‎

Perhaps most significantly [citation needed], this LP was the first Boston recording to use the ‎Rockman guitar amplifier invented by Tom Scholz’s successful high-tech company, Scholz ‎Research & Development. No orchestral sounds or synthesizers were used on the album; the ‎violin sounds on “Mariah” and “Still in Love (With You)” are electric guitars played through the ‎Rockman, and the rocket acceleration track “Third Stage Separation” was created by playing an ‎electric grand piano through an old Vox Tone-Bender with a faulty transistor.[6]‎

Contents
‎1.‎ Track Listing
‎2.‎ Personnel
‎3.‎ Singles
‎4.‎ Covers
‎5.‎ Sales, Certifications, and Awards
6.‎ See also
‎7.‎ References

Track Listing[7]‎
No., Title, Writer(s), Length

1. "Amanda," Tom Scholz, 4:16
2. "We're Ready," Tom Scholz, 4:01
3. "Departure" [instrumental], Tom Scholz, 1:58
4. "Third Stage Separation" [instrumental], Tom Scholz, 0:57
5. "Cool the Engines, Tom Scholz, Brad Delp, Fran Sheehan, 4:23
6. "Mariah"/"My Destination," Tom Scholz, 3:04
7. "Perfection," Tom Scholz, 3:21
8. "Changes," Tom Scholz, Jon DeBrigard, 4:45
9. "Still in Love (With You)," Tom Scholz, Brad Delp, 4:39
10. "Hollyann," Tom Scholz, 5:31

Personnel
Brad Delp - lead vocals, harmony vocals
Tom Scholz - guitars, organs, piano, bass, drums, percussion
Jim Masdea - drums, percussion
Sib Hashian - drums, percussion
Fran Sheehan – bass

Singles[8]‎
Year, Single, Chart, Position
‎1983‎, "Amanda," Billboard Hot 100, 1
‎1983‎, "Hollyann," Billboard Hot 100, 3
1984, "We're Ready," Billboard Hot 100, 7
1984, "Still in Love (With You)," Billboard Hot 100, 11
1984, "Cool the Engines," Billboard Hot 100, 59

Covers[9]‎

• Yngwie J. Malmsteen covered the song "Hollyann" on his band Rising Force's fourth studio album, Odyssey (1988), with Ronnie James Dio on vocals.
• After joining Van Halen, Brad Delp would often perform "Amanda" live; a version of the song is included on Van Halen's Live Album from 1992.
• Cyndi Lauper was known [by whom?] to play a cover of "Amanda" during her Separation tour.[citation needed]

Sales, Certifications, and Awards[10]
Third Stage was certified 11x platinum by the RIAA in the United States. It was certified Diamond by Music Canada in Canda, and Gold by BPI in the United Kingdom.

Third Stage was nominated for "Album of the Year" of 1983, but lost to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Brad Delp was nominated as "Best Pop Vocal, Male" for "Amanda," but lost, also to Michael Jackson.

See also
List of number-one albums of 1983 (U.S.)‎
List of best-selling albums in the United States
List of diamond-certified albums in Canada
26th Annual Grammy Awards

---------------------------------------------------------------

References

‎[1] ‎Well, this was fun! A quick glance at the liner notes shows that almost all of Boston's Third Stage album was completed by 1982, and "Amanda" was completed in 1980. (The only two songs that were created post-1983 were "To Be a Man" and "I Think I Like It"; while both have their merits for Boston fans, both can fairly be considered "filler" tracks.)

Had this album been released in the early 80s, it seems pretty clear to me that it would have been even more successful than IOTL: Boston's iconic sound is a nice bridge from the guitar rock of the 70s to the harder, metal-influenced arena rock of the 80s, and Boston's prog influences (and the whole "concept album" conceit) would have seemed less dated in 1983.

[2] As IOTL.

[3] IOTL, of course, Eddie Van Halen went looking for a new frontman in 1985 and Boston hadn't played a live show in nearly five years. Delp's vocals garnered universal acclaim and he was well known as a "consummate professional" with essentially no ego; I'd have to think that would appeal to Eddie after he's had it with Diamond Dave.

IOTL, guitarist Gary Pihl left Sammy Hagar's touring band to work with Tom Scholz as both a ‎musician and an executive of Scholz Research & Development; his guitar work can be heard on "I Think I Like It," which is never released ITTL.

[4] IOTL, Scholz migrated to MCA Records, not Warner Brothers. Here, Scholz signes with Warner because he views the company as a better synergy for marketing his Rockman amplifier. Warner leaks the single "Amanda" just as IOTL (only a year earlier) and puts additional pressure on Scholz to deliver the album.

[5] IOTL, Third Stage went to #1 for four weeks and produced three Top 20 hits: "Amanda" (#1), "We're Ready" (#9), and "Can'tcha Say" (#20).

[6] Exactly as IOTL.

[7] Okay, so here's what's new: "Amanda," "We're Ready," and "Cool the Engines" are unchanged from OTL; the liner notes show that all three were completed before the POD.

OTL's third track, "The Launch" (with three subparts) is split into two separate instrumentals but is otherwise identical.

OTL's fifth track, "My Destination" is a re-working of "Amanda" played on an old Wurlitzer electric piano and completed in late '82. Here, Scholz goes back and tinkers with it, creating the new song "Mariah." It is never released as a single and occupies roughly the same space as "My Destination" ITTL.

"A New World" and "To Be a Man" are never recorded ITTL, and "I Think I Like It" is substantially reworked into TTL's "Changes." The new song "Perfection" is hastily-cranked-out filler. "Still in Love (With You)" is a substantially reworked version of "Can'tcha Say" that rearranges the flow but maintains the guitar riff. "Hollyann" is mostly as OTL but slightly rawer.

[8] See above. "Hollyann" was never released as a single IOTL, probably because by 1987 it seems more derivative of the "power ballad" formula that was dominating pop-metal at the time. Here, it's considered one of the archetypes of the subgenre.

[9] If you want to imagine the Malmsteen/Dio cover of "Hollyann," go ahead and listen to the original, and then listen to OTL's Malmsteen/Dio cover of Aerosmith's "Dream On".

[10] Third Stage went quadruple-platinum IOTL; it was not nominated for any Grammy awards.

 

[glenn67]

Welcome back, Andrew T.

 

[vultan]

Did you just save one of my favorite bands?

 

[Kermode]

Haha, the mock-Wikipedia style makes for a fun update. Including "[who?]" and "[citation needed]" was a nice touch

 

[Brainbin]

It's really great to see this back! And without any poking or prodding on my part, this time

And we return to music! Good because that's where we started out, and because there remains a substantial dearth of music-related popular culture timelines on this forum. Sadly, I can't say that I'm terribly familiar with the work of Boston (apart from the fact that they're arena rock, and therefore by all rights I'm sure I would adore them if I ever gave them a listen), but it's always nice to see a band saved from breakup. Now that I know you're in that line of work, can I start making requests? Talking Heads, perhaps?

Haha, the mock-Wikipedia style makes for a fun update. Including "[who?]" and "[citation needed]" was a nice touch

Also, agreed. A perfect demonstration of how the Wikipedia culture utterly hampers an article's ability to tell a good story

 

[Andrew T]

Welcome back, Andrew T.

Thanks!

Did you just save one of my favorite bands?

Well, possibly we burned down the village to save it! Here's what we know:

• The Third Stage album is slightly inferior but significantly more popular than OTL's. It's also the last time Delp and Scholz will ever appear on stage or in a studio together ITTL.
• "Hollyann" becomes a crossover pop-metal staple and we get to hear some very awesome versions of it ITTL.
• Boston's trademark vocals will get considerably wider experience when Brad Delp takes over for David Lee Roth in Van Halen, obviously.
• Meanwhile, Boston's trademark guitar (Tom Scholz) will also continue as Warner Bros. pressures Boston to release more albums after the success of Third Stage ITTL. As IOTL, Stryper frontman Michael Sweet takes over as lead vocalist on the next Boston album; that's going to butterfly away Stryper's To Hell With the Devil and probably mainstream "Christian metal" entirely.
• At minimum, this butterflies away the song "Dreams" from the 5150 album; that was a true collaboration between Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar. That's an unbelievably terrific song, and the universe is worse off for not having it. On the other hand, it might be possible to save "Love Walks In" in at least some form as a Hagar solo song.
• Finally, and most importantly, this has hopefully butterflied away the most overrated band of all time.

Haha, the mock-Wikipedia style makes for a fun update. Including "[who?]" and "[citation needed]" was a nice touch

Thanks! I'm trying out a variety of writing styles in this TL; hopefully that's working for you.

It's really great to see this back! And without any poking or prodding on my part, this time

Be honest: if I'd gone much longer, you would have ... reminded ... me again, wouldn't you?

And we return to music! Good because that's where we started out, and because there remains a substantial dearth of music-related popular culture timelines on this forum. Sadly, I can't say that I'm terribly familiar with the work of Boston (apart from the fact that they're arena rock, and therefore by all rights I'm sure I would adore them if I ever gave them a listen), but it's always nice to see a band saved from breakup.

I'm not usually one for emoticons, but if anything deserves an , this does. You haven't heard Boston???

Stop reading, right now, and go listen to "More Than A Feeling" -- and then realize that this song was released in 1976!

Now that I know you're in that line of work, can I start making requests? Talking Heads, perhaps?

I'll say this for you, Brainbin: when you dream, you dream big! I'm not sure there's anyway to reconcile David Byrne's mad genius with his legendary lack of interpersonal skills, but it's certainly worth trying....

 

[MrHuman]

I'll just second what everyone else said: the Wiki style was really fun to read.

 

[Brainbin]

Be honest: if I'd gone much longer, you would have ... reminded ... me again, wouldn't you?

Hmmm. Well, I was idly wondering if you'd abandoned this, considering that you've definitely been around this time (as you were gone for a long stretch the last time). I figured you'd get back to it eventually, and I feel most vindicated to have been proven right! Of course, there's no need to wait so long for your next update

Stop reading, right now, and go listen to "More Than A Feeling" -- and then realize that this song was released in 1976!

Having heeded your words and listened, I realize that I do know the song through osmosis (and probably some commercial or another).

I'll say this for you, Brainbin: when you dream, you dream big! I'm not sure there's anyway to reconcile David Byrne's mad genius with his legendary lack of interpersonal skills, but it's certainly worth trying....

As with Star Trek, I became aware of Talking Heads through an appraisal of their pop-cultural significance: specifically, their concert film, Stop Making Sense, generally regarded as the greatest ever made. And it is superb. And it made me a fan of their music. I guess, as long as you leave that movie alone, I won't have any further complaints. (Mostly I'm just hoping that they stay together long enough to make another one.) Agreed, though, that Byrne certainly won't make it easy to keep them together. So it goes...

 

[MrHuman]

Please do Talking Heads. And other New Wave.

 

[Andrew T]

A Trip Through Billboard's Hot 100 for 1983

Week of February 5, 1983 [1]
Rank (Previous Week Rank), Song, Artist, Album, Peak

1. (2) Africa, Toto, Toto IV, 1
2. (1) Down Under, Men At Work, Business as Usual, 1
3. (3) Gloria, Laura Branigan, Branigan, 1
4. (6) Rock the Casbah, The Clash, Combat Rock, 4
5. (5) Maneater, Hall & Oates, H2O, 1
6. (13) Stray Cat Strut, Stray Cats, Built for Speed, 3
7. (15) Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran, Rio, 1
8. (8) Sexual Healing, Marvin Gaye, Midnight Love, 8
9. (21) Billie Jean, Michael Jackson, Thriller, 1
10. (19) Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?, Culture Club, Kissing to be Clever, 2

Week of April 23, 1983 [2]
Rank (Previous Week Rank), Song, Artist, Album, Peak

1. (1) Beat It, Michael Jackson, Thriller, 1
2. (2) Come On Eileen, Dexy's Midnight Runners, Too-Rye-Ay, 1
3. (4) Jeopardy, Greg Kihn Band, Kinhnspiracy, 1
4. (3) Mr. Roboto, Styx, Kilroy Was Here, 1
5. (6) Der Kommisar, After The Fire, ATF, 5
6. (7) Separate Ways, Journey, Frontiers, 1
7. (15) She Blinded Me With Science, Thomas Dolby, The Golden Age of Wireless, 7
8. (6) Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran, Rio, 1
9. (19) Photograph, Def Leppard, Pyromania, 9
10. (9) Gloria, Laura Branigan, Branigan, 1

Week of June 4, 1983 [3]
Rank (Previous Week Rank), Song, Artist, Album, Peak

1. (1) Flashdance... What A Feeling, Irene Cara, What a Feelin', 1
2. (5) She Blinded Me With Science, Thomas Dolby, The Golden Age of Wireless, 2
3. (3) Beat It, Michael Jackson, Thriller, 1
4. (6) Photograph, Def Leppard, Pyromania, 4
5. (2) Let's Dance, David Bowie, Let's Dance, 2
6. (15) Always Something There To Remind Me, Naked Eyes, Burning Bridges, 6
7. (8) Solitaire, Laura Branigan, Branigan 2, 7
8. (22) Don't Let It End, Styx, Kilroy Was Here, 8
9. (7) Separate Ways, Journey, Frontiers, 1
10. (20) Electric Avenue, Eddy Grant, Killer on the Rampage, 10

Week of August 20, 1983 [4]
Rank (Previous Week Rank), Song, Artist, Album, Peak

1. (3) She Works Hard For the Money, Donna Summer, Blue Live Lady, 1
2. (1) Every Breath You Take, The Police, Synchronicity, 1
3. (2) Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurythmics, Sweet Dreams, 2
4. (11) (Keep Feeling) Fascination, The Human League, Fascination!, 5
5. (7) Is There Something I Should Know?, Duran Duran, Duran Duran (re-release), 6
6. (4) Rock of Ages, Def Leppard, Pyromania, 2
7. (15) Maniac, Michael Sembello, Bossa Nova Hotel, 7
8. (24) The Safety Dance, Men Without Hats, Rhythm of Youth, 8
9. (NR) Amanda, Boston, Third Stage, 9
10. (34) Rainbow in the Dark, Dio, Holy Diver, 10

Week of November 12, 1983 [5]
Rank (Previous Week Rank), Song, Artist, Album, Peak

1. (1) Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler, Faster Than The Speed of Night, 1
2. (10) Cum On Feel The Noize, Quiet Riot, Metal Health, 2
3. (6) Tell Her About It, Billy Joel, An Innocent Man, 3
4. (5) One Thing Leads to Another, The Fixx, Reach the Beach, 4
5. (2) Making Love Out of Nothing At All, Air Supply, Greatest Hits, 1
6. (14) Foolin', Def Leppard, Pyromania, 6
7. (7) Say Say Say, Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, Pipes of Peace, 4
8. (11) All Night Long (All Night), Lionel Richie, Can't Slow Down, 8
9. (4) Amanda, Boston, Third Stage, 1
10. (NR) Church of the Poison Mind, Culture Club, Colour By Numbers, 10

So, there we have it: a nice dose of some 80s new wave to go along with the emerging metal/arena rock trend we saw in the last update. Of course, the 80s wouldn't be the 80s without good old fashioned cheese, and there's still plenty of it on the charts. Cliff's Notes are below.

-----------------------------
NOTES:

[1] Minor changes: "Rock the Casbah" charts a little higher; Eddie Rabbit, Phil Collins, and Patti Austin fare a little worse. Note that this is right in the middle of "Dirty Laundry's" 19-week run on the Billboard charts IOTL. "Hungry Like the Wolf" charts earlier and longer.

[2] The biggest absence here is the song that was #12 on the charts IOTL but will never hit the top 10 ITTL.... "Separate Ways" peaked at #8 IOTL; here, it's a #1 (along with "Jeopardy" and "Mr. Roboto," both of which came very very close IOTL).

[3] Flashdance is the same phenomenon as IOTL. Thomas Dolby's only hit reaches its peak at #2. (IOTL, it peaked this week at #5.) The "missing song" from April hits the top 10 IOTL in June; it's still missing here. "Photograph" will eventually hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 (it peaked at #12 IOTL, but spent six weeks at #1 on the Top Tracks chart).

[4] More changes: "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" never breaks through to #1 IOTL because of the logjam created by "Amanda" and "Every Breath You Take." "Stand Back" is never written ITTL (which is a shame); "If Anyone Falls" is the only top-40 hit for Stevie Nicks from her album The Wild Heart. "Nightbird" remains one of Stevie's favorites, but it doesn't crack the top 40 ITTL (it peaked at #33 IOTL). Taco's "Puttin' on the Ritz" never cracks the top 10 although it is still used to comedic effect in Young Frankenstein.

[5] Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" is released later ITTL as "Tell Her About It" is slower to chart; it's still about Christie Brinkley, and it still peaks at #3. This is a very weird week in rock and roll; apparently, listeners simultaneously enjoy heavy metal (Quiet Riot), arena rock (Boston, Def Leppard), adult contemporary/soft rock/cheese (Air Supply, Bonnie Tyler), new wave (Culture Club, The Fixx), and oldies/nostalgia rock (Billy Joel, Paul McCartney). Go figure.

 

[Unknown]

How far are you planning on taking this, Andrew T?

 

[Brainbin]

So, there we have it: a nice dose of some 80s new wave to go along with the emerging metal/arena rock trend we saw in the last update. Of course, the 80s wouldn't be the 80s without good old fashioned cheese, and there's still plenty of it on the charts.

I love this latest update - it feeds my obsession with trivia, and it's nice to see how many 1983 hits I've actually heard (quite a few, actually!). One internet music critic whose work I enjoy described 1983 as one of the greatest years ever for pop music (alongside 1965 and 1976), and I certainly can't argue with that, based on the evidence you've provided. And if it isn't yet clear, in the interest of full disclosure: I do enjoy a great deal of 1980s music.

Minor changes: "Rock the Casbah" charts a little higher; Eddie Rabbit, Phil Collins, and Patti Austin fare a little worse. Note that this is right in the middle of "Dirty Laundry's" 19-week run on the Billboard charts IOTL. "Hungry Like the Wolf" charts earlier and longer.

Phil Collins can afford to take the hit. Since we're talking about music, I'll share a personal revelation of mine, which I call the "Rule of Phil Collins" - songs that start out awesome but take a turn for the worse as soon as the main melody line kicks in. Named for "Another Day in Paradise". Ever really listened to the first thirty seconds of that song? Much better than what follows. I can't help but think it only won the Grammy for Record of the Year as a "Lifetime Achievement Award" - note that the 1990s also saw Nat King Cole winning (posthumously), along with Eric Clapton (twice!), and then Santana in 1999 (granted, with a song that people actually liked and listened to, but still).

You could argue that "In the Air Tonight" obeys the Rule of Phil Collins in reverse; slow as molasses until that epic drum beat kicks in...

"Separate Ways" peaked at #8 IOTL; here, it's a #1 (along with "Jeopardy" and "Mr. Roboto," both of which came very very close IOTL).

Wow, Weird Al is going to be parodying another #1 hit, then? Maybe that could push him back into the Top 40, as he only reached #81 with "I Lost on Jeopardy!" IOTL, and #47 with "Like A Surgeon" the following year (he wouldn't have another hit to follow "Eat It" until - and you won't like this - "Smells Like Nirvana").

Thomas Dolby's only hit reaches its peak at #2. (IOTL, it peaked this week at #5.)

Science!

More changes: "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" never breaks through to #1 IOTL because of the logjam created by "Amanda" and "Every Breath You Take."

How unfortunate - that's a great song, and Eurythmics never reached #1 again stateside IOTL.

Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" is released later ITTL as "Tell Her About It" is slower to chart; it's still about Christie Brinkley, and it still peaks at #3.

And speaking of #1, does "Tell Her About It" make it there ITTL?

This is a very weird week in rock and roll; apparently, listeners simultaneously enjoy heavy metal (Quiet Riot), arena rock (Boston, Def Leppard), adult contemporary/soft rock/cheese (Air Supply, Bonnie Tyler), new wave (Culture Club, The Fixx), and oldies/nostalgia rock (Billy Joel, Paul McCartney). Go figure.

And people wonder why everyone loves the 1980s. There was something for everyone back then!

 

[Andrew T]

How far are you planning on taking this, Andrew T?

Well, the two things from my research that really inspired the timeline take place in 1985 and 1988, so at least until then. To be honest, almost everything I've done so far has come about more or less by accident in terms of "getting us to 1985." (That's also why it's taken a while to write.)

Phil Collins can afford to take the hit. Since we're talking about music, I'll share a personal revelation of mine, which I call the "Rule of Phil Collins" - songs that start out awesome but take a turn for the worse as soon as the main melody line kicks in.

I think this works for Phil Collins's solo stuff, but not for the Genesis albums that bear his primary influence (Genesis and Invisible Touch). Although, as I think about it, it works for the last Collins Genesis album (We Can't Dance -- and yes, I had to go look that up). So maybe it's just that those other two albums are really good.

Named for "Another Day in Paradise". Ever really listened to the first thirty seconds of that song? Much better than what follows.

I've never cared for that song, so, at your prompting, I just pulled it up on YouTube. And you're right; those first 30 seconds are pretty damn promising... until the vocals kick in. (And I like Phil Collins!)

I can't help but think it only won the Grammy for Record of the Year as a "Lifetime Achievement Award"

Exactly.

note that the 1990s also saw Nat King Cole winning (posthumously), along with Eric Clapton (twice!), and then Santana in 1999 (granted, with a song that people actually liked and listened to, but still).

Apropos of this timeline, I stopped following the Grammys in 1990, when Don Henley's The End of the Innocence album somehow lost out to Bonnie Raitt for Album of the Year (!)

Clapton actually won one or more major Grammys five separate times in the 1990s: in 1991 (Best Rock Vocal Performance, Male for "Bad Love"), 1993 (six awards, including Album of the Year), 1995 (Best Traditional Blues Album (!) for From The Cradle), 1997 (four awards, mostly for "Change The World"), and 1999 (Best Male Pop Vocal Performance for "My Father's Eyes" (!!)). I love Clapton, but that's pretty much George Clooney territory right there.

You could argue that "In the Air Tonight" obeys the Rule of Phil Collins in reverse; slow as molasses until that epic drum beat kicks in...

Amusingly enough, "In the Air Tonight" plays a role ITTL in the very near future; there's only two degrees of separation between it and Don Henley....

Wow, Weird Al is going to be parodying another #1 hit, then? Maybe that could push him back into the Top 40, as he only reached #81 with "I Lost on Jeopardy!" IOTL, and #47 with "Like A Surgeon" the following year (he wouldn't have another hit to follow "Eat It" until - and you won't like this - "Smells Like Nirvana").

"Smells Like Nirvana" is hilarious ("garble warble zauss"). I think Weird Al just can't quite pull off actual grunge; his guitar work is less complicated, and his vocals are considerably cleaner. For those of us who aren't fans of grunge, the parody sounds considerably better than the original.

"Jeopardy" peaked at #2 IOTL; it's not really any bigger ITTL (and does not affect Weird Al's parody at all).

How unfortunate - that's a great song, and Eurythmics never reached #1 again stateside IOTL.

Have you heard the rumor that "Sweet Dreams" began with an accidentally reversed synth line? No idea of there's any truth to it or not. One of the most distinctive songs of any era, IMO.

And speaking of #1, does "Tell Her About It" make it there ITTL?

Nope. IOTL, "Tell Her About It" spent one week at #1 (September 24, 1983); here, there's an embarrassment of riches at the top. He does get another single: ITTL, "Easy Money" charts but does not crack the Top 40.

In terms of number ones -- Billy Joel would go six years between chart-toppers, from 1980's "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" to the the lead single off of his 1986 album.

 

[Andrew T]

January 27, 1984

Roger Ebert’s Movie Reviews

E.T. II: Nocturnal Fears

Rated: PG
Ebert: *‎ (One Star)
‎
Cast & Credits
Elliott: Michael J. Fox
Mary: Dee Wallace-Stone
Keys: Peter Coyote
General Krag (voice): James Earl Jones‎
Tyler: C. Thomas Howell
Samantha: Erika Eleniak
Gertie: Kristy Swanson
Michael: Bill Paxton
Steve: Sean Frye
Greg: K.C. Martel

Universal Studios
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Produced by Steven Spielberg
Written by Steven Spielberg and Melissa Mathison

‎“E.T. II: Nocturnal Fears”[1] is more than just a disappointment. It is a broken promise. Think ‎back to everything you (and I) loved about the first “E.T”: the sense of innocence, awe, and ‎wonder; the recurring emphasis on the value of friendship, both human and non-human; the ‎ending (oh, the ending!) which frequently inspired audience members to stand up and cheer. ‎Now, make a movie with literally none of those things. Instead, “E.T. II” is populated with ‎clichés so hoary, so hackneyed that they would be laughed out of the script of “Friday the 13th ‎Part 4” (which, sadly, I am informed is also on its way). It’s not just sexy teens assaulted as they ‎attempt to do sexy things, it’s scary things that jump out at you from off-screen, it’s phony spine-‎tingling music as “they” creep ever closer, it’s humor that would have to crawl out of the sewer ‎before it could be considered “bathroom,” and so on. I would caution you to avoid taking young children ‎to this movie, but that might imply that I think this movie is fit to be viewed by anyone, which I ‎emphatically do not.‎

The movie’s plot – such as it is – is set six years after the first film.[2] Elliott (now played by ‎Michael J. Fox), his girlfriend Samantha (Erika Eleniak), and his friends Tyler, Steve, and Greg ‎are all in high school, having gotten on with their lives from that fateful summer so long ago. ‎Meanwhile, Elliott’s mom Mary is dating Dr. Keys because apparently when you’ve replaced half ‎the actors from the first movie, you need some sense of continuity. Unbeknownst to our human ‎protagonists, Elliott, E.T.’s communicator has been anchored to his roof and transmitting ‎messages into space ever since E.T. left Earth; this has (of course) attracted the attention of the ‎evil General Krag (voiced by James Earl Jones), a leader of the militaristic, all-off-white faction ‎of E.T.’s species, and his squad of hunters who have come to capture E.T. and probe his mind for ‎various secrets. It turns out that E.T. is Zdrek, a savant among the good, dark-skinned E.T.s who has ‎memorized the secret plans for… oh, who cares?[3] The movie doesn’t, and neither should you. ‎The evil white E.T.s land, mutilate some cattle, and terrorize our teenage protagonists until E.T. – ‎at this point, surprisingly absent from the sequel that bears his name – arrives at precisely the ‎same moment as the kids do at the communicator MacGuffin and saves the day.‎

The movie was co-written and directed by Steven Spielberg, who was able to craft an effective ‎thriller in 1982’s “Poltergeist” by taking the mundane, gradually adding the bizarre, and then ‎transitioning to the implausible so quickly you don’t even notice. Here, he begins with the ‎ridiculous and slowly transitions to the pedantic. I am not sure what happened.‎

I have it on good authority that the first film was re-cut at the last moment so that an ‎anatomically correct insult could be added to the dialogue and ensure that the film would be ‎rated “PG” rather than “G,” presumably out of the belief that “G”-rated films are only for very ‎young children.[4] Regardless of the veracity of that belief, this movie had to undergo two edits ‎in the other direction, removing particularly violent and bloody outbursts so as to avoid ‎being rated as an “R” by the MPAA. In any event, what remains is still mostly violent and ‎occasionally bloody. It has also been suggested to me that the whole dark-brown-good-E.T.s ‎being hunted by the pinkish-white-bad-E.T.s is also racist; I find some sympathy with those who ‎suggest that it is merely stupid and lazy scriptwriting.‎

Is there anything good about this movie? As you might suspect from Spielberg, the special ‎effects are terrific. In his first major film role, sitcom teen Michael J. Fox plays a very different ‎Elliott from the shy, reclusive Elliott of the first film – but he plays him as superbly as the script ‎will allow. James Earl Jones – whose voice you will recognize instantly – imbues the four-foot-‎tall General Krag with more believable menace than you might otherwise think possible from a ‎pink thing that weighs fifty or so pounds. That’s about it. This is a bad film, and you should not go ‎see it.‎

‎* – One Star

‎-----------------------------‎
NOTES:‎

‎[1] Oh yes, everything about this planned sequel -- the insane title, the hackneyed plot, the 180-degree-turn from the original -- is real. You can even read the actual story treatment written by Spielberg and Mathieson, if you're so inclined. Here, with the runaway commercial success of E.T. merchandising (including, of ‎course, the Atari 2600 video game), Spielberg just can’t help but cash in.‎ This strikes me as inevitable.

‎[2] The nine-page treatment is set only a few days after the original; in the transition to full-blown scriptwriting, ‎Spielberg realizes that it would be a pretty unwatchable mistake to have the evil (or, as the script ‎specifies: EVIL) E.T.s terrorizing ten-year-olds.

This necessitates re-casting some of the original ‎actors, including (most notably) Elliott. Drew Barrymore is busy playing the lead in “Firestarter” ‎‎– and, at eight years old, is probably too young to play the 12-year-old Gertie in “E.T. II.” The ‎‎29-year-old Paxton plays the 20-year-old older brother Michael ITTL in much the same way that ‎the 30-year-old Paxton plays older brother Chet in “Weird Science,” which is to say, ‎‎hilariously. Samantha is not in the original script, but the 15-year-old Eleniak is in the ‎original E.T. and could very plausibly (if unusually, for Hollywood) play a girl her actual age.‎

Tyler was played by C. Thomas Howell (credited as “Tom Howell” in the original E.T.) is coming ‎off of an impressive performance as a teen in “The Outsiders,” so he returns in a larger role as a ‎teen in “E.T. II.” Elliott’s other buddies (Steve and Greg) are mostly background characters.‎

‎[3] From the script: “Korel” becomes “General Krag” and Zrek becomes the equally-‎unpronounceable “Zdrek.” Names are not Spielberg’s strong suit. In another bit of lazy writing, ‎the scientist known as “Keys” (because he was never named but identified only by close-up shots ‎of his keychain) is actually named Dr. Keys in this script; that makes it into the final movie.‎

‎[4] This is, of course, a very real thing.‎ If this movie were released a year later, “E.T. II” would garner a “PG-13” rating, but the PG-13 rating ‎would not debut until July 1, 1984 IOTL at the suggestion of (who else?) Steven Spielberg.‎

So there you have it: proof that this timeline is not a utopia, as one of the worst planned sequels ‎of all time is actually made.‎ (The image above is shamelessly stolen from the linked Cracked article.)

 

[DanMcCollum]

Great TL; I'm loving this so far. I have to wonder; if Speilberg is directing ET 2 in the ATL, how this will affect, if at all, the development of Gremlins, which was produced by Speilberg and released in 1984 (and lead to the development of the PG-13 rating due to its inappropriate marketing which tried to play off the success of ET).

 

[Brainbin]

I'm really admiring the remarkable rate at which you're now putting out updates! And it's always something different, too...

Roger Ebert’s Movie Reviews

I admire the effort you put into replicating Ebert's writing style. It does "read" like him, though perhaps not quite so righteously indignant (though perhaps he picked that up more in his later years - he's still relatively young here, with plenty more flops ahead of him). But he did love E.T., so he would no doubt loathe this.

E.T. II: Nocturnal Fears

Interesting that the butterfly which got this film made was a much better E.T. video game - so you're trading one notorious flop for another, entirely new flop!

Elliott: Michael J. Fox

Wow. Now, assuming that Ebert (who is known for being idiosyncratic and sometimes overly defensive of his "pet" actors, especially if they're attractive women) speaks for the consensus here, Fox may well emerge from this fiasco relatively unscathed. But I doubt it; high-profile flops tend to drag down those who are involved in them. If so, one person who will be vindicated? Brandon Tartikoff, who famously described Fox (in rejecting him for Family Ties; creator Gary David Goldberg eventually wore him down) as someone whose face would never be on a lunchbox. (Back to the Future, of course, proved Tartikoff wrong; he would keep such a lunchbox in his office for the rest of his career.)

General Krag (voice): James Earl Jones‎

This may well "ruin" Darth Vader some 15 years ahead of OTL schedule.

Tyler: C. Thomas Howell

Interesting that he and Fox (who were in the running for the same part in a certain film) appear onscreen together. Was that a deliberate nod?

Directed by Steven Spielberg
Produced by Steven Spielberg

The 1980s, of course, saw the rise of "Spielberg the Thalberg", the visionary producer who (in the words of Ebert himself, in a contemporary OTL review) could match the right director with the right project. Indiana Jones notwithstanding, this probably hobbles that image. (Speaking of which, what happens to Temple of Doom? Is it delayed?) Also, this is a major directorial flop for him, the first since 1941, and not seen again until Hook IOTL (his late 1980s disappointments were too quiet to do much damage to his reputation). What's worth noting is that he followed both disappointments with twin triumphs (Raiders and E.T. in the early 1980s, and then Jurassic Park and Schindler's List in the early 1990s). Can he achieve the same rebound ITTL, as well? Or is Spielberg doomed as so many of his New Hollywood colleagues were before him?

‎

The nine-page treatment is set only a few days after the original; in the transition to full-blown scriptwriting, ‎Spielberg realizes that it would be a pretty unwatchable mistake to have the evil (or, as the script ‎specifies: EVIL) E.T.s terrorizing ten-year-olds.

Maybe, but kids got themselves into a lot of scrapes in 1980s movies IOTL (and remember The Goonies, which has Spielberg's fingerprints all over it).

So there you have it: proof that this timeline is not a utopia, as one of the worst planned sequels ‎of all time is actually made.‎ (The image above is shamelessly stolen from the linked Cracked article.)

It's always good to remind people of these things

I think this works for Phil Collins's solo stuff, but not for the Genesis albums that bear his primary influence (Genesis and Invisible Touch). Although, as I think about it, it works for the last Collins Genesis album (We Can't Dance -- and yes, I had to go look that up). So maybe it's just that those other two albums are really good.

Agreed - I definitely like his 1980s Genesis material better than his solo material (and, for the record, I do like Phil Collins, on the whole; I find his flaws as a songwriter and musician more frustrating than offputting). Maybe, in retrospect, Banks and Rutherford had more creative influence than we thought?

Apropos of this timeline, I stopped following the Grammys in 1990, when Don Henley's The End of the Innocence album somehow lost out to Bonnie Raitt for Album of the Year (!)

Sheesh, it doesn't even have "Something to Talk About" on there. But look on the bright side: at least he didn't lose to Fine Young Cannibals (!)

Also, the best-ever parody of "The End of the Innocence" can be found at the end of this MADtv parody of Cold Case. The guy even sounds like him!

Clapton actually won one or more major Grammys five separate times in the 1990s: in 1991 (Best Rock Vocal Performance, Male for "Bad Love"), 1993 (six awards, including Album of the Year), 1995 (Best Traditional Blues Album (!) for From The Cradle), 1997 (four awards, mostly for "Change The World"), and 1999 (Best Male Pop Vocal Performance for "My Father's Eyes" (!!)). I love Clapton, but that's pretty much George Clooney territory right there.

You're right, of course; I should clarify that I was referring specifically to Record of the Year.

Amusingly enough, "In the Air Tonight" plays a role ITTL in the very near future; there's only two degrees of separation between it and Don Henley...

Good, that means you haven't butterflied it. Easily Phil Collins' best solo song, IMO - though I'm pretty sure that opinion is virtually unanimous.

"Smells Like Nirvana" is hilarious ("garble warble zauss"). I think Weird Al just can't quite pull off actual grunge; his guitar work is less complicated, and his vocals are considerably cleaner. For those of us who aren't fans of grunge, the parody sounds considerably better than the original.

Agreed, though it helps that I heard "Smells Like Nirvana" before I heard the original (I'm a little too young to really remember the days of flannel and javas).

Have you heard the rumor that "Sweet Dreams" began with an accidentally reversed synth line? No idea of there's any truth to it or not. One of the most distinctive songs of any era, IMO.

I have heard that rumour, yes; it reminds me a great deal of the famous "reverse a song to get a whole new song" urban legend, though, so I'm also uncertain.

In terms of number ones -- Billy Joel would go six years between chart-toppers, from 1980's "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" to the the lead single off of his 1986 album.

Fair enough. It always amused me that, IOTL, despite having so many memorable songs to his name, he only hit #1 three times, and I doubt anyone besides hardcore fans and popular culture enthusiasts like myself would be able to tell you which three off the top of their head.

For the record, for those of you who are unwilling to look it up, the three OTL chart-topping singles are:

• "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" in 1980. Yes, this was his first #1 hit. Note that "Just the Way You Are" won for Record of the Year 1977, but only reached #3.
• "Tell Her About It" in 1983. His only love song to hit #1. Butterflied ITTL.
• And finally, his love-it-or-hate-it novelty song, "We Didn't Start The Fire", in 1989. Given its subject matter, I suspect that many people on this board probably have a soft spot for it - and I positively adore it - but I can see why others don't. At least it is one of his most well-known songs.

 

[Kermode]

And it's always something different, too...

Yeah, this is definitely my favourite part of the timeline. Thanks to many updates covering completely different subjects, each update comes as a pleasant surprise— and yet one that makes perfect sense.

On ET II: I wonder what its legacy would be. Probably just swept under the rug and ignored by everyone, but I wouldn't be surprised if it turned into TTL's version of The Matrix sequels— seen as a blemish on the first film and treated with complete disdain.

 

[Andrew T]

Great TL; I'm loving this so far. I have to wonder; if Spielberg is directing ET 2 in the ATL, how this will affect, if at all, the development of Gremlins, which was produced by Spielberg and released in 1984 (and lead to the development of the PG-13 rating due to its inappropriate marketing which tried to play off the success of ET).

Dan -- you've got a sharp eye. Check out footnote #4. Spielberg was the primary driver for the PG-13 rating ITTL due to Gremlins and Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom.

IOTL, Spielberg was criticized for marketing Gremlins to very young kids (with cute little Gizmo) despite levels of violence that were inappropriate for those kids; here, he suffers it in spades with E.T. II. Also, IOTL Spielberg was frustrated with multiple cuts the MPAA forced him to make to Temple of Doom to earn a PG-13; those edits created continuity errors and generally make Temple of Doom a weaker movie. ITTL, Spielberg feels the same way about the cuts to E.T. II (although it's largely self-delusional; nothing would have made that a watchable film).

Having suffered these indignities in January of 1984 (rather than summer, as OTL), Spielberg agitates for -- and gets -- the PG-13 rating slightly earlier ITTL.

Now, for the other half of your question -- what happens to Gremlins (and Temple of Doom)?

Gremlins: Spielberg is attached as executive producer, but the film is currently delayed and undergoing massive cost overruns. (IOTL, the first cut of Gremlins ran an excruciating two hours and forty minutes!) Once E.T. II bombs, Spielberg pulls the plug on the very similar Gremlins, and it's never made ITTL.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Delayed. When released, it will be rated PG-13, meaning that most of the scenes cut for ratings have been restored. It also means that the movie will miss the summer blockbuster season.