Excerpt of script from Blackadder Goes Forth, Episode 6, British People’s Broadcasting:
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real cause of the whole thing was that it
was too much trouble *not* to have a war.
George: By gum, this is interesting; I always loved history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two super-blocs
developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way
there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that, sir?
Edmund: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So, the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
…
George: Absolutely not, sir! I can't wait to get stuck into the Boche monarchists, for King and Country!
Edmund: You won't have time to get `stuck into the Boche'! We'll all be cut to pieces by machine gun fire before we can say "charge."
George: All right, so what do we do now?
Baldrick: Can I do my war poem?
Edmund: How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is "No, I'd rather French-kiss a skunk"?
Baldrick: So would I, sir!
Edmund: All right. Fire away, Baldrick.
Baldrick: "Hear the words I sing / War's a horrid thing / So I sing sing sing / ding-a-ling-a-ling."
George: (applauding) Oh, bravo, yes!
Edmund: Yes. Well, it started badly, it was charitably mediocre in the middle, and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that, excellent.
Baldrick: Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?
Edmund: No -- we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
Baldrick: No, don't worry; I could go on all night.
Edmund: Not with a bayonet through your face, you couldn't!
Baldrick: This one is called "The German Guns."
George: Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that!
Baldrick: "Boom boom boom boom / Boom boom boom / BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM--
Edmund: "BOOM BOOM BOOM"?
Baldrick: How did you guess, sir?
George: I say, sir! That is spooky!
Edmund: I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here!
Baldrick: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
Edmund: All right, Baldrick, for old times’ sake.
Baldrick: Well, you remember, sir, when I said we could just not attack, sir, and you said if we didn’t they’d shoot us, sir, and I said, what, sir, the Germans, and you said, no –
Edmund: I remember quite well, Baldrick. If by some incredible miracle you have a point, please say it.
Baldrick: Well, I was thinking, sir, that, well, we’ve got guns too. And it seems as though, well, if enough of us did it, just not attack I mean, well, they might find it a little difficult to shoot all of us. What do you think, sir?
George: Damn it, man, if I didn’t know you better I’d say you were talking treason. Now just get on with polishing those boots, Private, and stop thinking so much; it’s bad for your health.
Edmund: (long sigh) And that, Baldrick, is precisely why your plan is bollocks.
Davies: (stepping into view) I don’t know about that.
Edmund: Ah, hullo, another man for our picnic stroll across no-man’s-land?
Davies: Lieutenant John Davies, Captain.
[pause for the audience’s reaction to his appearance]
Davies: Now, ah, soldier, what was your name?
Baldrick: Ah, Baldrick, sir. Private Baldrick.
Davies: I’m ple – well, ah, satisfied to meet you, Mr. Baldrick. Now, would it trouble you too much to explain your idea again? I’m afraid I didn’t hear all of it.
Baldrick: Sorry, sir, I don’t have any ideas. I’m not allowed. I have to polish these boots, sir.
Davies: Ah, Captain…
Edmund: Blackadder.
Davies: A pleasure, Captain, it really is. I’ve heard excellent things about you.
Edmund: Really.
Davies: Yes, sir, it seems that your men prefer you to other commanders because you’re much less enthusiastic about sending them to be killed. Strange business, that.
Edmund: Do I detect just a touch perhaps of…sarcasm, Lieutenant?
Davies: Oh, absolutely not, Captain. But I was wondering…do you think I could perhaps borrow Private Baldrick for a while?
(Melchett’s office. Davies and Baldrick creep into the room with filthy sheets draped around their bodies.)
Davies: (whispering) Right, Baldrick, remember the plan?
Baldrick: (speaking normally) Why can’t we use my plan?
Davies: (whispering) Because it’s bollocks. Now, remember, you just hold the rifle, understand? So you look like one of our lads.
Baldrick: (fiddling with the rifle) How exactly do you hold this thing, sir?
Davies: You can’t - how bloody long have you been on the – never mind. Get your sheet on.
(Baldrick and Davies drape the sheets over their heads just as Melchett enters. Baldrick continues to fiddle with the rifle.)
Melchett: Egad! German spies!
Davies: (moaning like a ghost) Nooooo. We are the ghooosts of the men you s – who dieeeed needlesslyyyy on this froooont.
Melchett: Well, I know that’s not true. If it were, there’d be a good many more of you!
Davies: The other ghooosts were having tea. Ghoooost tea.
Melchett: Ghosts are not permitted in headquarters!
Davies: We have, uh, er, that is, transcended the mortal rooms, I mean to say, walls…
Melchett: (shouting) Guards! Guards! Arrest these ghosts!
(The rifle suddenly fires, striking Melchett in the chest. He gasps, convulses wildly, slaps himself in the face, and then falls over.)
Baldrick: Oops. Well, I think I worked out how to fire this gun, sir!
(running feet and people shouting)
Davies: Right, Baldrick. I have a new plan. We’re going to go back to the trenches, get all the lads together with their guns, and refuse to go over. (starts running)
Baldrick: (running after him) But sir, that’s my plan!
Davies: Well, yes, but…look, no one will listen to the plan if, well, it comes from you?
Baldrick: Oh, all right, sir, you could have just told me that in the first place. I’m quite used to it.
Davies: (not listening) Ah, excellent, Baldrick. Listen, just back up what I say, there’s a good chap.
(The trench. George and Edmund are speaking.)
Edmund: Yes, Lieutenant?
George: I’m scared, sir…I mean, I’m the last of the tiddlywinking leapfroggers from the Golden Summer of 1914. I don’t want to die. None of us are overkeen on dying at all, sir.
Davies: (rushing into view) Right, then. You don’t want to die; that’s not only understandable, but wholly reasonable. We all want to go home, to breathe clean air again, to see our families and our friends, to live and love and laugh…so why, then, should we go over? For our country – a country that set a…person like Melchett to send us to our deaths? To stop the Germans? The Germans are not demons, they are not criminals; they are men, like us, who would quite prefer to live as well.
Edmund: It’s no good, Lieutenant. You’re right, of course. But we must go, all the same.
Davies: Ah, well, there’s one other thing I neglected to mention. You see…that is…General Melchett is dead. We…well, we shot him, and Baldrick here shouted out your name, Edmund.
(Baldrick starts to speak and is hastily stopped by Davies)
Davies: So, you see, ah – sir, they think the lot of us are mutineers anyway. So even if we do survive the day, they’ll shoot us as traitors. We are all committed.
(a long silence)
Edmund: Come to think of it, I have heard…shall we say, mutterings of discontent from the French soldiers. At least, I believe that’s what they are; it might have been something related to cheesecake. My French is rubbish.
Davies: Right, there you have it, then. Mr. Blackadder, you have the strongest bond with the men: go sound them and see if they will stand with us. Mr. – ah, that is, George – I understand your French is less rubbish. Can you head south and speak with the nearest French regiments? We shall need their support.
(George looks to Edmund, who very slowly nods.)
George: I, but I, well, I say, but what about the Belgians, Cap – ah, Blackadder?
Davies: Oh, I’m sure the Belgians will be fine. [pause for uncomfortable laughter from audience] Now, I must stress this again: we are committed. We must smash the governments of Britain and France alike, or they shall murder us all. The Germans are no longer our enemy: our enemy is all those who would rule us for their benefit, on both sides of this “front”. (Long pause, and then he picks up a white undershirt.) I am going to go talk with the Germans. (Another long pause.) Now, for our plan of action, we must regroup… (His voice fades into a wild clamor of voices and gunfire, and scene fades into a view of the age-yellowed pages of the original British Provisional Revolutionary Declaration.)
…
For a more historical look at Comrade Davies and the circumstances of the Revolution, tune in to our historical programme at 9: The Great War: From Serbia to Revolution.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real cause of the whole thing was that it
was too much trouble *not* to have a war.
George: By gum, this is interesting; I always loved history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two super-blocs
developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way
there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that, sir?
Edmund: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So, the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
…
George: Absolutely not, sir! I can't wait to get stuck into the Boche monarchists, for King and Country!
Edmund: You won't have time to get `stuck into the Boche'! We'll all be cut to pieces by machine gun fire before we can say "charge."
George: All right, so what do we do now?
Baldrick: Can I do my war poem?
Edmund: How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is "No, I'd rather French-kiss a skunk"?
Baldrick: So would I, sir!
Edmund: All right. Fire away, Baldrick.
Baldrick: "Hear the words I sing / War's a horrid thing / So I sing sing sing / ding-a-ling-a-ling."
George: (applauding) Oh, bravo, yes!
Edmund: Yes. Well, it started badly, it was charitably mediocre in the middle, and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that, excellent.
Baldrick: Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?
Edmund: No -- we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
Baldrick: No, don't worry; I could go on all night.
Edmund: Not with a bayonet through your face, you couldn't!
Baldrick: This one is called "The German Guns."
George: Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that!
Baldrick: "Boom boom boom boom / Boom boom boom / BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM--
Edmund: "BOOM BOOM BOOM"?
Baldrick: How did you guess, sir?
George: I say, sir! That is spooky!
Edmund: I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here!
Baldrick: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
Edmund: All right, Baldrick, for old times’ sake.
Baldrick: Well, you remember, sir, when I said we could just not attack, sir, and you said if we didn’t they’d shoot us, sir, and I said, what, sir, the Germans, and you said, no –
Edmund: I remember quite well, Baldrick. If by some incredible miracle you have a point, please say it.
Baldrick: Well, I was thinking, sir, that, well, we’ve got guns too. And it seems as though, well, if enough of us did it, just not attack I mean, well, they might find it a little difficult to shoot all of us. What do you think, sir?
George: Damn it, man, if I didn’t know you better I’d say you were talking treason. Now just get on with polishing those boots, Private, and stop thinking so much; it’s bad for your health.
Edmund: (long sigh) And that, Baldrick, is precisely why your plan is bollocks.
Davies: (stepping into view) I don’t know about that.
Edmund: Ah, hullo, another man for our picnic stroll across no-man’s-land?
Davies: Lieutenant John Davies, Captain.
[pause for the audience’s reaction to his appearance]
Davies: Now, ah, soldier, what was your name?
Baldrick: Ah, Baldrick, sir. Private Baldrick.
Davies: I’m ple – well, ah, satisfied to meet you, Mr. Baldrick. Now, would it trouble you too much to explain your idea again? I’m afraid I didn’t hear all of it.
Baldrick: Sorry, sir, I don’t have any ideas. I’m not allowed. I have to polish these boots, sir.
Davies: Ah, Captain…
Edmund: Blackadder.
Davies: A pleasure, Captain, it really is. I’ve heard excellent things about you.
Edmund: Really.
Davies: Yes, sir, it seems that your men prefer you to other commanders because you’re much less enthusiastic about sending them to be killed. Strange business, that.
Edmund: Do I detect just a touch perhaps of…sarcasm, Lieutenant?
Davies: Oh, absolutely not, Captain. But I was wondering…do you think I could perhaps borrow Private Baldrick for a while?
(Melchett’s office. Davies and Baldrick creep into the room with filthy sheets draped around their bodies.)
Davies: (whispering) Right, Baldrick, remember the plan?
Baldrick: (speaking normally) Why can’t we use my plan?
Davies: (whispering) Because it’s bollocks. Now, remember, you just hold the rifle, understand? So you look like one of our lads.
Baldrick: (fiddling with the rifle) How exactly do you hold this thing, sir?
Davies: You can’t - how bloody long have you been on the – never mind. Get your sheet on.
(Baldrick and Davies drape the sheets over their heads just as Melchett enters. Baldrick continues to fiddle with the rifle.)
Melchett: Egad! German spies!
Davies: (moaning like a ghost) Nooooo. We are the ghooosts of the men you s – who dieeeed needlesslyyyy on this froooont.
Melchett: Well, I know that’s not true. If it were, there’d be a good many more of you!
Davies: The other ghooosts were having tea. Ghoooost tea.
Melchett: Ghosts are not permitted in headquarters!
Davies: We have, uh, er, that is, transcended the mortal rooms, I mean to say, walls…
Melchett: (shouting) Guards! Guards! Arrest these ghosts!
(The rifle suddenly fires, striking Melchett in the chest. He gasps, convulses wildly, slaps himself in the face, and then falls over.)
Baldrick: Oops. Well, I think I worked out how to fire this gun, sir!
(running feet and people shouting)
Davies: Right, Baldrick. I have a new plan. We’re going to go back to the trenches, get all the lads together with their guns, and refuse to go over. (starts running)
Baldrick: (running after him) But sir, that’s my plan!
Davies: Well, yes, but…look, no one will listen to the plan if, well, it comes from you?
Baldrick: Oh, all right, sir, you could have just told me that in the first place. I’m quite used to it.
Davies: (not listening) Ah, excellent, Baldrick. Listen, just back up what I say, there’s a good chap.
(The trench. George and Edmund are speaking.)
Edmund: Yes, Lieutenant?
George: I’m scared, sir…I mean, I’m the last of the tiddlywinking leapfroggers from the Golden Summer of 1914. I don’t want to die. None of us are overkeen on dying at all, sir.
Davies: (rushing into view) Right, then. You don’t want to die; that’s not only understandable, but wholly reasonable. We all want to go home, to breathe clean air again, to see our families and our friends, to live and love and laugh…so why, then, should we go over? For our country – a country that set a…person like Melchett to send us to our deaths? To stop the Germans? The Germans are not demons, they are not criminals; they are men, like us, who would quite prefer to live as well.
Edmund: It’s no good, Lieutenant. You’re right, of course. But we must go, all the same.
Davies: Ah, well, there’s one other thing I neglected to mention. You see…that is…General Melchett is dead. We…well, we shot him, and Baldrick here shouted out your name, Edmund.
(Baldrick starts to speak and is hastily stopped by Davies)
Davies: So, you see, ah – sir, they think the lot of us are mutineers anyway. So even if we do survive the day, they’ll shoot us as traitors. We are all committed.
(a long silence)
Edmund: Come to think of it, I have heard…shall we say, mutterings of discontent from the French soldiers. At least, I believe that’s what they are; it might have been something related to cheesecake. My French is rubbish.
Davies: Right, there you have it, then. Mr. Blackadder, you have the strongest bond with the men: go sound them and see if they will stand with us. Mr. – ah, that is, George – I understand your French is less rubbish. Can you head south and speak with the nearest French regiments? We shall need their support.
(George looks to Edmund, who very slowly nods.)
George: I, but I, well, I say, but what about the Belgians, Cap – ah, Blackadder?
Davies: Oh, I’m sure the Belgians will be fine. [pause for uncomfortable laughter from audience] Now, I must stress this again: we are committed. We must smash the governments of Britain and France alike, or they shall murder us all. The Germans are no longer our enemy: our enemy is all those who would rule us for their benefit, on both sides of this “front”. (Long pause, and then he picks up a white undershirt.) I am going to go talk with the Germans. (Another long pause.) Now, for our plan of action, we must regroup… (His voice fades into a wild clamor of voices and gunfire, and scene fades into a view of the age-yellowed pages of the original British Provisional Revolutionary Declaration.)
…
For a more historical look at Comrade Davies and the circumstances of the Revolution, tune in to our historical programme at 9: The Great War: From Serbia to Revolution.
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