Biggest Wanks in AH

As a counterpart to the "worst screws" thread, I felt like asking what you guys think are the biggest wanks in AH.

I'll start by bringing up Kaiserfront, a German Empire wank with a POD of Wilhelm II abdicating in favor of his son in 1917. I think this map speaks for itself:

 
I think my current work classifies as a Brit and Hellene wank. Alongside works such as the United States of Ameriwank, the Brit-wank Empire and others.
 
The take away I feel as that what writers get wrong is one Superpowerful nation isn't interesting. Several powerful nations that can rival each other is more interesting. Whatifalthist did a video trying to determine a more realistic Draka(though Decades of Darkness might be better) and that proposed that the Draka's existence resulted in a world where the Nazis and the Soviet Union were still around, see I think that's much more of a dystopia than the original novel.
 
Poland in the Conrad Stargard series gets an industrial revolution in Medieval times, and superintelligent horses, and magic cheese that cures illness, and lots of literal wanking (you don't want to know).

It's frankly very sexist and exploitative, which I did not appreciate when I picked it up at 14. I read on Amazon that past the point I stopped reading, there is a lot of Islamophobia as well.
 
Another megawank is Jim Smitty's "Gonna To Know We Were Here" timeline, in the ASB section of this site. The POD is that time travellers come to the 19th century, with the specific intent of making the US more powerful than it would otherwise be. There's a bit of a backstory, but it's really an excuse for the time travellers to make the US wank. I read it for a while, but bad grammar and prodigious use of the syllable "shit" turned me off in the end.
 
A More Perfect Union by @HeX is a pretty big Ameriwank. The US control pieces of British Colombia, North Mexico, the Yucatán, Cuba, and will likely own in the next few chapters huge swaths of Canada, Mexico, and other powers. The US also leads an alliance that can beat all of Europe (minus, like, Germany and a few minor powers)
 
The US in Stuart Slade's The Big One series.

  • Take what's already a postwar superpower.
  • Make all its possible rivals either friendly, weak, or both.
  • At the same time, make them belligerent enough that they act up and give the Americans a chance to show off their weapons and easily crush them .
  • Have everyone from non-American characters to the narrator constantly talk about how amazing the Americans are.
  • With a variety of both narrative setups and in-universe contrivances like overly capable special forces, eliminate what should be the weakness of their (on-paper) over-specialized all or nothing nuclear bomber military.
 
I'll start by bringing up Kaiserfront, a German Empire wank with a POD of Wilhelm II abdicating in favor of his son in 1917
That one's a crypto-fascist wank.

Obviously the Draka and Man in the High Castle are poster children for wanks, but The New Order: Last Days of Europe is also an egregious one.

What Madness is This? is one, though it's basically about massive empires forming, getting overextended, and imploding in 2.0. The Republican Union is still pretty wanked, though, not that it really detracts from the timeline.

The Tsalal, cartoonish grimdarkness, and the concept of evil are insanely wanked in Green Antarctica: The Last Continent. So is cannibalism (a horrendously inefficient act from a purely biological standpoint), for that matter.

Most bad AH novels are some variety of this. E.G. 1901 and Southern Victory, the latter of which becomes ever more egregious as it goes.

Harry Harrison's The Stars and Stripes Forever is basically an guy writing a lurid Anglophobic screed about America thrashing the cartoonishly evil British up and down the Atlantic while Union and treasonous slavocrat rebellion make peace and reunite, because...because...who the fuck knows.

Arguably, any Nazi victory timeline is something of a wank.

The Ring of Fire series can be argued to be a form of wank, albeit a justified one due to the ASB premise. Most ASB works are by default some form of wank.
 
Most bad AH novels are some variety of this. E.G. 1901 and Southern Victory, the latter of which becomes ever more egregious as it goes.
True. I mean, Southern Victory is a bit less obvious a case in that it starts as a Confederate-wank and indeed the premise involves the CSA being stronger and lasting longer than they ever could have, but at the end alt-USA has stomped them into the dust and is going to sit on them until Doomsday and shoot anyone who even looks sideways at black people if that's what it takes to pacify the South. Of course, arguably long-term it's a US-wank in that the US ends up including most of Canada and three Mexican provinces, so...I suppose...

Harry Harrison's The Stars and Stripes Forever is basically an guy writing a lurid Anglophobic screed about America thrashing the cartoonishly evil British up and down the Atlantic while Union and treasonous slavocrat rebellion make peace and reunite, because...because...who the fuck knows.
And pretty much the only recognition it makes of the reason the US and CS were fighting in the first place is when Jeff Davis, after re-integration, tries objecting to black people being given any kind of rights and when shot down, founds the alt-KKK...then gets shot, and Southerners' only reaction is 'He should've known better at his age'...literally those words are used.

Arguably, any Nazi victory timeline is something of a wank.
It's one thing I like about people on this site, they recognise the actual odds stacked against the Nazis... A lot of popular writers don't. As one example, it's one (of the many) issues I have with Garth Ennis. His WWII stuff is epic, but he seems to genuinely believe that it was only through pure luck and dogged heroism that the Allies won WWII (I'm with him on the second part, of course, but the first part not so much), that the Nazis always had better stuff and were generally better, and according to one thing I read he seems to think anyone who downplays their chances of winning is either hopelessly naive or is probably a Fascist sympathiser trying to make them look less bad than they were.

My point is, I do like actually interacting with people who have a more nuanced view than a lot of popular writers :p

The Ring of Fire series can be argued to be a form of wank, albeit a justified one due to the ASB premise. Most ASB works are by default some form of wank.
This is true. And, arguably...it's both part of their appeal and the reason that a lot of ISOTs lose steam quite quickly, IMO. We all love seeing Nazis or other evil down-time factions getting curb-stomped with advanced weaponry, but quite often ISOTs seem to gradually peter out after some initial curb-stomping.

Hell, it's one reason I started the Calming Sea-verse. Setting the story thirty years after the ISOT both let me look at what I think is the most interesting part of an ISOT, long-term socio-political-technological development, and it made it less of a wank in that the tech lead the ISOT brought has shrunk and the playing field is a lot more even now...
 
HOW? as was in german i was never able to read it
Kaiserfront?

Well, to start with, the author's alleged name is Heinrich von Stahl.

It's about Kronprinz Wilhelm taking over Germany in 1917, forming the SS to kill the evul socialists who are dragging down the war effort, and the war on the Continent is over by 1919 with France equipped with a brand-new pro-German monarchy, and then Germany takes all of British Africa by 1924. Germany has nukes by 1941 and starts out the novel in 1949 bombing the shit out of the American nuclear research facilities but does not want war and just wants to make sure that only Germany has nukes which justifies this attack and they are totally innocent of the simultaneous firebombing of a nearby town too.

Oh and they have a nuclear-powered land-battleship (over 150 feet long lol and it has AA flak cannons and a dozen machine guns and can drive underwater and weighs 2k tons).

Then an evul socialist infiltrator who is angry that his evul socialist dad got shot in 1918 pulls a Cylon and deactivates the German nukes so all the other major powers (USSR under Stalin, USA under Truman, UK under Churchill) jump them at once and somehow destroy all the German nukes and invade with their savage hordes, but are incompetent at it so suffer ruinous casualties of course.

I think every single German character is a von Snootypants or something. And there's weird Norse mythology fixation that makes Himmler's fanfics look sensible, and aliens.

Yes, really.
 
While the Draka are already a major wank, Drakaverse America, which spans ALL OF NORTH AMERICA, and Japan, which conquers China, invades Hawaii, and is able to reach Australia and the West Coast are also major wanks before being defeated by the Draka.
 
One that hasn't been mentioned is the Emberverse, which is both a Neo Pagan and Catholicism wank at the same time, which, if you hadn't seen it done you wouldn't believe it.

That is warped and wonderful when you think about it, even if the execution breaks down in later books.
 
A More Perfect Union by @HeX is a pretty big Ameriwank. The US control pieces of British Colombia, North Mexico, the Yucatán, Cuba, and will likely own in the next few chapters huge swaths of Canada, Mexico, and other powers. The US also leads an alliance that can beat all of Europe (minus, like, Germany and a few minor powers)
So is my timeline, "Jefferson's Anti-Slavery Crisis".
-Merging with Canada
-Beating a Britain, Russia, and France + some minors with the help of Germany, Brazil, Austria, Denmark, and Sweden
-Civil Rights movement 80 years ahead of schedule (HeX has a much earlier Civil Rights movement too, and better written).

On things other than mine, I think there was a Roman wank that had it go to America, although I can't really remember the name. Sounds really impractical and unrealistic.
 
One that hasn't been mentioned is the Emberverse, which is both a Neo Pagan and Catholicism wank at the same time, which, if you hadn't seen it done you wouldn't believe it.

That is warped and wonderful when you think about it, even if the execution breaks down in later books.
Oh Jesus...

I liked the first three books, but the rest were just atrocious. I gave up after Golden Princess.

And yeah. Giant wank for both of those. I found the sudden decision of the Church of England to go back to Rome especially bizarre...
 
One that hasn't been mentioned is the Emberverse, which is both a Neo Pagan and Catholicism wank at the same time, which, if you hadn't seen it done you wouldn't believe it.

That is warped and wonderful when you think about it, even if the execution breaks down in later books.
Jesus you just made me have PTSD flashbacks
 
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