Beatles Ahoy!

Bri2k

-- inspired by Glass Onion --

"I'd like to thank you on behalf of myself & the group and I hope we passed the audition."

With that joke, John Lennon ended the famous Apple rooftop concert. Unbeknownst to the Fab Four, the film Let It Be would make this moment in time legendary.

John spent the early months of 1970 alternately camping out at the homes of various friends. He'd split with Yoko on Boxing Day, 1969 after returning home drunk and hitting her during a fight. Despite his desperate pleas, Yoko would not reconcile and she went Japan on Valentine's Day, 1970 to set up her new installation "Void of Love" at the National Museum of Modern Art in Tokyo. While the press reported on the breakup and critics viewed her show through that lens, Yoko denied any connection and remained circumspect about John, feeling embarrassed and wondering how she could've been so wrong about him.

Eric Clapton sighed as he scrounged another bottle of Glenfiddich from his "secret stash" way back on the bottom shelf of his rumpus room bar.

"C'mon Eric! I'm not gettin' any younger y'know!" John leaned back in the beanbag chair and pointed his Gauloise accusingly at his host.

Slow Hand would definitely have to get John out of his house if he was to have hope of keeping his sanity. He handed the bottle to John and excused himself.

"Hello. George? Yes I know it's late....sorry but I really need you to help me do something about John. He's been here for a bloody fortnight, drinking me dry and scaring off my girl. Really? Paul's back? When? Ok tomorrow then. Thanks, George."

Eric hung up the phone and smiled. If he could somehow get John to go crash, tomorrow he'd be someone else's problem...
 
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Bri2k

The next morning came far too early for John.

"Bloody hell! Close those drapes!"

Mr. Clapton smiled and handed his guest a cup of strong coffee.

"Rise and shine, Mr. Lennon. Coffee's on."

John sat up, his hair looking like a bird's nest and put his head in his hands and groaned.

"Look you were the one who insisted on tequila after the scotch, not me. You've certainly earned it my friend. Now take this before I pour it over you!"

John reached out his hand and took the cup and saucer. He didn't raise his head as he sipped his coffee.

"Finish that and we'll go get some food in you."

John groaned again.

"Not going out."

"Yes we are. I know this exclusive place, you'll love it."

John groaned once more and then raised his head. He took his glasses from the nightstand and put them on and looked around. His trademark specs couldn't hide his bloodshot eyes.

"Seen me fags, Eric?""

"You left them in the loo along with with your pants, ace."

The Rolls glided almost silently down the drive and onto the road. John was quiet as he puffed on another Gauloise. Eric waved some of the heavy smoke away with his hand.

"Christ at least you could smoke something that doesn't smell like shit! Ever heard of Senior Service? Even a Woodbine would be a step up!"

"If you don't like it, crack a bloody window! Hey, where are we going? This isn't the way to London!"

"I told you this is an exclusive place. Not many know about it."

John finished his cigarette and slid down in the seat, pulling his cap down over his eyes.

"Wake me when we get there."

Eric smiled as he cracked his window. At least he'd have a few minutes of peace.

Soon the traffic became lighter and the landscape opened up. Every few minutes, the Rolls passed another gated entry to an estate. Eventually the limousine made a turn and stopped. Eric rolled down his window at the intercom and pressed the button.

"Hullo"

"Paul, it's Eric here with John."

"Can you speak up please?"

Eric repeated himself louder, hoping John wouldn't wake up until they were at the house.

The gate opened and the Rolls pulled into a drive and up near the door of Paul's house and stopped. Eric nudged the dozing passenger.

"Wake up sleeping beauty we're there."

John pushed his cap back from his eyes and sat up.

"Oh shit! I know where we are!"

"C'mon John. Paul's cook makes a fantastic breakfast, could be just what you need. Besides you haven't seen each other in ages."

"Fookin' prat tryin' to tell me how to play bloody Hammond organ!"

"We've all been there, John. No matter how many times you think they can bury it in the mix, they need another take. Both of you were having a bad day and your tempers got the better of you. Now go eat!"

Eric reached over and opened the door next to John and gave him a shove. Mr. Lennon stumbled out of the car.

The door of the house opened and Paul McCartney stood there, a smile turning to a look of concern as he noticed John looked like 10 miles of bad road.

"Hello hello hello. What've we here? A wayward Lennon? Christ John what the hell happened to you? Get in here and get some breakfast!"

John turned around as he heard Eric's limousine start up and drive away.

"May have worn out one welcome...for a while anyway" John said as he followed Paul into the house.
 
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Bri2k

After a cup of tea and a cigarette, John was looking a little better, but still not quite himself. Paul ducked out and asked the cook to keep the rashers warm and wait breakfast. He returned to the kitchen table with a small Limoges champlevé enamel box. He sat down and opened it. The unmistakable aroma of marijuana escaped as Paul reached in and took out a pinch of the herb and a cigarette paper. He quickly rolled up a joint and lit it.

"Doctor Paul has just what you need. Here."

He handed it to John who inhaled deeply.

"That's it. All the way down."

John started to laugh, but then sputtered and coughed.

"Christ you haven't done that since that time with Dylan."

"Shut up you arsehole!"

John passed the joint to Paul and took another sip of his tea.

"So what's the deal, Paul?"

Paul handed the joint back to John who took it greedily.

"Well, I was over in Germany and ran into Klaus. He said the Let It Be film is a huge smash. Coulda knocked me over. Then Stern is asking me if we'll do one better than up on a rooftop. People want to see us play again, John."

"Christ. Not again, Paul. Where's the fookin' food?"

After John had eaten and another joint made the rounds, Paul got up and John followed him into the study. Paul sat behind his Louis XVI desk and John took a seat opposite. John pulled out a Gauloise and began to light it.

"Jesus! No! Here, have one of these, John!"

Paul tossed two packs of Senior Service in John's lap and handed him a small ashtray.

"Be careful. That rug's antique Persian you know!"

John slipped his Gauloise back into its crumpled pack and opened the Senior Service. After he lit it, he held the ashtray daintily in his left hand.

"Is this better, Lord Paul?"

Paul chuckled as he dialed the phone and pressed a button. The light on a small speaker came on and soon a familiar voice was heard.

"Hullo this is Doubley-O Woubley-O."

"Ringo?"

"Who else. Paul?"

"Look you know Let It Be is taking the world by storm?"

"Well it's a far sight better than A Hard Day's Night.."

"Seriously. They love the bit atop Apple."

"Fookin' wet and cold. I had a better time gettin' me tonsils out."

"Yes but the point is people want to see us play again."

"I'm in but it's not me you've got to talk into it."

"Christ I'd rather have more tequila than sit here with you daft idiots," John interjected.

"Another county heard from."

John turned his head to see a smiling, mustachioed George Harrison standing in the doorway of the study.
 
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Bri2k

George pulled up a chair and sat down next to John.

"What in hell happened to your hair?"

"Hair today, gone tomorrow."

John ran his fingers through his short, almost pixie-like mop.

"I cut it off for peace."

"For a piece? Must've been some bird."

"World Peace you daft git."

Paul got up and pulled a sheaf of newspaper and magazine clippings out of a drawer and handed them to George.

"Look the film's a hit. People want to see us play. They need to see us play!"

Ringo's voice came from the speaker, "Allen says we could make a fair bit of dosh too. Wouldn't be bad..."

"Christ, not fookin' Allen Klein again!"

"Oh and like your brother-in-law can do better, Paul."

"C'mon guys let's stop all the prattle."

"Ringo's got a point," George said firmly. "Look remember that time at the Maharishi's? Just acoustic guitars, Ringo on the bongos. Think of how simple it was and all the songs we wrote. Those were good times. We need to come together again and get that magic back. It's like being with strangers when I play with anyone else."

"And this time, we can do it all on our terms" Paul said.

"Not like Shea or Candlestick again!" George replied pointedly.

"This time will be different. No Beatlemania. No more people clawing at us. We make the rules."

"So what's the offer, Paul?" John asked as he stubbed out his cigarette.
 
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Bri2k

"Cunard, Paul? What are you saying? We play on a bloody boat?!" George scowled. "I still have nightmares about the ferry going to Hamburg."

"I'm the son of a son of a sailor, I'm a sailor's son." John said in one of his funny voices.

"You still owe me for that pair of winkle-pickers you barfed all over." George complained as he gave John a shove.

John laughed as Paul stood up and leaned over his desk towards the two.

"Look the money's unbelievable."

"How much Paul?" Ringo's tinny voice asked from the speaker.

"50,000 quid."

George's face softened a little.

"That's 50,000 quid apiece. Plus expenses."

George's eyes got wide as Ringo piped up from the speaker.

"That covers a lot of pain."

"But it's still on a bleedin' boat."

"Not just any boat. The newest, most modern luxury liner out there, the Queen Elizabeth 2. Cunard wants us to play on the maiden voyage to New York."

"It's out there, alright" George said sarcastically.

John lit another Senior Service. The fog in his head was starting to clear and he remembered the last conversation he'd had with his accountant. His experimental, avant-garde "sound" projects had cost him dearly, not to mention his lost-weekend style of partying. He had to do something to get out of the red and pay looming tax obligations.

"Look, they're offering us 50,000 quid apiece to play on their newest ship on a cruise to New York. We play once on the trip out and once more on the return. I figure that comes out to over 200 quid a minute."

"Fookin' skints!" John laughed. Paul smiled and George started laughing too.

"For that kind of money, I'll even give them 'Raunchy'!" George exclaimed.

"Better get Neill & Mal to pack our bags, boys." Ringo announced from the speaker.
 
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MatthewFirth

This is brilliant. I'm liking this.
My guess is that the Beatles do the Get Back concert on a boat to New York, then do not spilt up for a while.
 

Bri2k

The Captain took one last, thoughtful puff on his pipe and then knocked it clean on the outside of the railing. The QE 2 might've been over-budget and completed months behind schedule, but aye, she was a grand ship indeed. He smiled as he inhaled, the scent of the sea mixing pleasantly with that of new paint. He strolled over to the dockside rail and looked down. A stretch limo pulled up near the gang plank. The doors opened and the Beatles emerged, one by one.

"Welcome aboard the RMS Queen Elizabeth 2, gentlemen," the Captain said as he extended his hand towards the first of the Fab Four to make it on deck.

"She's a bloomin' great ship, Cap'n!" Paul exclaimed as he shook the Captain's hand.

Ringo and George traded handshakes in succession with the Captain. John was last, being a bit winded from the climb.

"Not only is she quite grand, but I think you'll find no finer ship afloat," the Captain stated proudly.

"Just so she's no bloody Titanic," John replied.

Paul smiled and pointed his thumb at John. "Me mate here can get seasick in the bath."

John frowned and lit a cigarette.

"This ship is so large and rides the waves so smoothly I think seasickness is practically impossible." The Captain motioned for Paul, John, George, & Ringo to follow him.

"I can arrange for you to see more of the ship later, but for now, this is just the "nickel tour" as our American friends like to say," the Captain explained as he led them up to the bridge. The ship's brass fittings, polished like a fine gem, glistened in the sunlight that shone through the expanse of glass. One could see almost all the way to Shirley so clear was the day.

"Here's where I earn my pay. As you can see, the QE 2 has the most modern equipment," the Captain stated proudly.

John couldn't resist and playfully tried to give the ship's wheel a spin. The Captain caught his wrist and shook his head. He noticed Ringo finger-combing his hair as he regarded his own reflection in a darkened sonar screen nearby.

"Enough of my office. Let's go see where you four will earn your keep."

The Captain led the Beatles off the bridge and down a flight of stairs.

"The venue here is very exclusive and has every conceivable amenity," the Captain said.

"The last time someone said something was exclusive, I ended up at Paul's house," John muttered in a desultory tone as he ground out his cigarette in one of the ashtrays thoughtfully built into the corridor wall.

Eventually they came to a large door. The Captain opened it and ushered them down a plush, carpeted spiral staircase. Waiting at the bottom was a very attractive brunette wearing a short miniskirt with a subtle nautical theme.

"I'd like to introduce you to our Double Down Lounge and our entertainment director, Miss Lisa Halfpenny who will take over for me from here." The Captain smiled thinly and headed back up the spiral staircase. The great works of John Philip Sousa he could understand, but this rock 'n roll and its unkempt "musicians" would remain a mystery to him.

"Welcome aboard, gentlemen," the leggy brunette said in a soft voice that would thrill any heterosexual male. "This is where you'll be performing for select First Class passengers." She turned on her stiletto heels as Ringo smiled and made a face of popping an eye at the entertainment director. George nudged him in the ribs. John's sly gaze at Miss Halfpenny's faultlessly curved legs went unnoticed.

They followed their new guide towards a small stage. Black "fold-back" speakers were low shapes along the edge. George leaned down for a closer look.

"As you can see, the Double Down Lounge has the latest in sound. I'm told the mixing board is the absolute cutting edge," Miss Halfpenny stated with authority.

"We'll finally be able to hear ourselves on stage," George said with quiet awe.

"Our technicians will meet with your road crew in advance. We can arrange for you to rehearse here privately in four sessions prior to sailing. Trust me, gentlemen, all you need be concerned with is playing your wonderful songs."

Miss Halfpenny smiled slightly in John's direction. He lowered his head as he reached for a cigarette in an attempt to hide the fact he was blushing.
 
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Bri2k

The Beatles arrived back at Paul's house and he lead them around to the back garden. They were met by a very excited sheepdog forever known by the eponymous song "Martha My Dear" off the White Album.

"Hey, hey you bloody thing, get down! We've got company!" Paul admonished as he pulled the large canine off him.

"You always did get the birds, Paul," George kidded with a wink.

They'd just sat down on wrought iron garden furniture when Paul's housekeeper opened the back door and motioned that he had a phone call.

"Be right back." Paul said as he followed went into the house.

"Get back, get back, get back from the phone Paul..." John sang in a silly voice while reaching for a Gauloise.

Paul returned before John finished his smoke.

"Fellas, that was my accountant..."

"The Great Mr. Eastman...he leaps tax forms in a single bound...for a nice, large fee of course," John interrupted.

"This is serious John. Lee said he found some irregularities in the account. What EMI said they were paying wasn't showing up in full. He looked into it and found that Allen fookin' Klein had the money paid through one of his holding companies! He's been robbing us blind!"

Paul sat down. His hand was noticeably shaking with anger as he reached out to take a cigarette Ringo offered him.

"Well get the solicitor on it, Paul," John said in his old lady voice.

"Already in the works, Mr. Snide. I imagine Allen will be in the dock some day for this. Luckily, he didn't take it all. Our most immediate problem is the contract for the QE 2 shows. I don't know about you blokes, but I'd like a pro to handle this for us. Someone we can trust."

"Fookin' Lee Eastman?! Your bleedin' bird's old man?!" John exclaimed.

"You had the last turn John, and look where that's got us! Robbed blind by Allen Klein!" Paul shouted in frustration.

"Listen fellas, we can't be at each others' throats right now. We need to pull together like we did after Brian died," Ring said calmly.

"Ringo's always the sensible one, Paul. I'm sorry, call it too much of a good time last night."

"Ahh no such thing as that. I hope she was a stunner, John."

"No birds. Not that it would've mattered much..." John trailed off.

"OK so what do we do next? Get out the phone book? See who's stolen the least from Eric or Mary bleedin' Hopkins?" George asked.

Paul frowned at what he perceived to be a subtle dig.

"It's all about trust. Almost everyone's taken from us. From bloody Bruno Koschmider in Hamburg to No Fookin' Magic Alex." George said in a pessimistic tone.

"If only Brian were still here..." John added wistfully.

"Well he's not," George stated firmly.

"No, but Clive is!"

"Problem almost solved Mr. Starr. Take a rise out of petty cash," Paul said with a smile. "A small one, mind you."

Paul rose and tossed his cigarette in a nearby BBQ grate as the other Beatles got up and followed him inside.
 
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Glass Onion

This is all very funny and surprisingly plausible. But I have a few questions. At least according to Arthur Janov, by mid 1970 John Lennon was in such a deeply depressed state, that he was "barely functional." Removing Yoko at the absolute height of his obsession with her, would have made that even worse. So how does Lennon recover from that quickly enough to be in a state to perform in 1970? This isn't 1973 or 1974, it's 1969. Lennon is going to be deeply, deeply, depressed, and he is not going to behave as he did in the mid 1970's. Minor point, but Yoko would probably return to New York, not Japan. Kyoko and all that. I'd be surprised if Lennon was not out for the duration of 1970. Also, I imagine that something has to be done about Let it Be and McCartney here to keep Paul from suing to end the group, unless I missed something? Well, deeply depressed Lennon probably means no Instant Karma, which means no working relationship with Spector, which means the Let it Be album doesn't happen, which may mean the cancellation of the Let it Be movie, which would mean United Artists would be demanding some film to take its place...
 

The Admiral Hook

Glass Onion said:
This is all very funny and surprisingly plausible. But I have a few questions. At least according to Arthur Janov, by mid 1970 John Lennon was in such a deeply depressed state, that he was "barely functional." Removing Yoko at the absolute height of his obsession with her, would have made that even worse. So how does Lennon recover from that quickly enough to be in a state to perform in 1970? This isn't 1973 or 1974, it's 1969. Lennon is going to be deeply, deeply, depressed, and he is not going to behave as he did in the mid 1970's. Minor point, but Yoko would probably return to New York, not Japan. Kyoko and all that. I'd be surprised if Lennon was not out for the duration of 1970. Also, I imagine that something has to be done about Let it Be and McCartney here to keep Paul from suing to end the group, unless I missed something? Well, deeply depressed Lennon probably means no Instant Karma, which means no working relationship with Spector, which means the Let it Be album doesn't happen, which may mean the cancellation of the Let it Be movie, which would mean United Artists would be demanding some film to take its place...
Click to expand...


Firstly, Yoko Ono was living in London and hadn't lived in Japan since she was a child. If she flees the country, she'll go to NYC. As a famous and well respected artist, her getting her ass beaten by a Beatle will be big news in the social circles of London and New York; Lennon may not recover from the bash to his reputation in these circles.

The details concerning Lennon's depression can be overlooked (and has been addressed in the TL, what with him being couch hopping and drinking constantly - a thing he did even in his best of spirits) but I'd mention some harder substance abuse.

Lennon has already done Instant Karma! with Spector during the events described here, and it's still Allen Klein who approaches Spector with Let It Be, not Lennon.

So while the Beatles aren't splitting up in any kind of formal sense until April and Let It Be will be released in May, there's some question as to whether McCartney's changes will be made in a TL where Lennon is awol during the production process. That seems to be what you're going for in TTL.

The best way to keep them alive post Lennon's Boxing Day mishap is for Spector to release a more Beatle-friendly product.

Enter: Clapton taking Lennon to Paul's house.

But here's the kicker. The QEII's maiden voyage was about ONE YEAR before the events described here: May 1969.

So... what's the POD here? Is there an earlier POD involving the QEII or was this a mistake in the research?

Emperor Norton I said:
So wait, the Beatles are a boat act?
Click to expand...

Never. They might play one show (as described here) but they'll never be a "cruise band."
 

The Admiral Hook

Other than that, ignoring certain Americanisms, and too many "bloody"s and "bloomin"s where "Fuckin" would have been more the language of the band at that time, the dialogue is surprisingly good. (I say surprisingly because I've seen so many people try to do Beatles TLs and have the band speaking and it's SO caricaturesque.) It's tough to do and you've done it pretty well.

Also, I thought Lennon smoked Stuyvesants until he moved to New York and started smoking KOOLs.

You only ever saw Stuyvesants around the Beatles in any of their photos (with the exception of during the first US tour, where they smoked Marlboro Reds in the absence of any Stuyvesants being sold in the US.)

It's not a huge point, but one worth bringing up if you're going for absolute legitimacy. If you have a different source, I'd like to see it. As an unapologetic smoker, it interests me.

Also, looking forward to your explanation of your POD and what took the QEII a whole year to launch in your TL.
 

Glass Onion

The Admiral Hook said:
Firstly, Yoko Ono was living in London and hadn't lived in Japan since she was a child. If she flees the country, she'll go to NYC. As a famous and well respected artist, her getting her ass beaten by a Beatle will be big news in the social circles of London and New York; Lennon may not recover from the bash to his reputation in these circles.

The details concerning Lennon's depression can be overlooked (and has been addressed in the TL, what with him being couch hopping and drinking constantly - a thing he did even in his best of spirits) but I'd mention some harder substance abuse.

Lennon has already done Instant Karma! with Spector during the events described here, and it's still Allen Klein who approaches Spector with Let It Be, not Lennon.
Click to expand...
Wasn't Instant Karma recorded in January of 1970? That would, in the strictest sense, put it after the boxing day 1969 divergence. He could still record it, but he might not, given he's spent January either pleading for Yoko to come back or couch hopping.
 

The Admiral Hook

Glass Onion said:
Wasn't Instant Karma recorded in January of 1970? That would, in the strictest sense, put it after the boxing day 1969 divergence. He could still record it, but he might not, given he's spent January either pleading for Yoko to come back or couch hopping.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's my mistake.

I assume he still will.
 

Bri2k

Thanks for the feedback. One of the great things about this board is the incredible knowledge displayed by many of the members.

While I didn't explain it in the story, I imagined Yoko going off to Tokyo for a while to do an art installation so it looks like I need to do an edit. As to her fight with John, in my mind's eye he only hit her once but fearing things could get uglier in the future, she leaves. I figured she might feel embarrassed about things and keep that to herself so only news of their breakup hits the press with many details omitted. It seems a fine line between telling a story and getting bogged down in the minutia, but I'll try to do better going forward.

I'm glad the dialogue seems ok. I struggle with it on each update. Even though I read most of the authoritative books available back in the early 1980s, actual quotes from the Fab Four in them are sparse.

I wasn't going to say any more about the QE 2's launch being delayed, but that sounds like something I can add to.

I picked up the Gauloises from an interview with John while he was in NYC where the reporter mentioned them as part of the "color". Once you see what he's been up to, you might agree he needs the strongest cigarettes he can find. I'd never heard about Stuyvesants so I'm grateful to the Admiral for posting about them.

Glass Onion, thanks again for the inspiration. Your insights into this story are uncanny.
 
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THE OBSERVER

We could say that the QE2's launch was delayed due to problems with its steam engines. IOTL, because of the engine problems, the maiden voyage was delayed from January to May 1969. The steam engines on that ship were problematic and eventually were torn out and replaced with diesel engines in 1986.
 
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