Madrid, Castile. 16th of April, 1546.
Charles wanted to tear his black clothes apart. He had worn no other colours in the eleven years since Anne died, but it was different when his mourning was for his son. For Eduardo, buried next to his great-grandmother Marie in Bruges. They itched his skin, rubbing him until he was raw and he could hardly do anything without nursing a jar of ale.
His mother clicked her tongue disapprovingly, standing right behind him. "A drunk emperor loses time that could be spent doing more productive things," she murmured. "An emperor should know not to drown his sorrows in beer."
He didn't look at her when she sat by his side. "How would you know what an emperor should know or not?" he asked in a biting tone. His mother flinched beside him.
"I was expected to become empress as your father's bride," she murmured, a proud set to her jaw. "And I met with Maximilian many a time." He offended her, then. Good. Sometimes, Charles wanted to tear his hair off by the roots, just thinking that he had to wait for her to die before he abdicated. It made him want to scream. Offending his mother was the only way he knew how to get back at her.
She touched his arm and he flinched, not expecting the kind touch.
"You're upset," she said. "We all are." His mother sighed. "Eduardo was a good boy. He had a special place in my heart." Her fingers were trembling and Charles brought his cup back to his mouth, the taste already imprinted in his mind.
Suddenly, however, something tugged at his hand and the cup flew away, thrown against the wall. It cracked open noisily and ale splashed against the wood, staining the rug covering the floor. He looked at his mother. "What the hell?" he asked.
"If you order another, I shall do it again," she warned. "Have you ever thought that all of the ale and wine that you've been drinking is the reason why your feet ache so much?"
"So?" the question poured from his lips before he even thought about it. Charles closed his eyes and sighed, letting his head fall back. "I don't need to stay here."
His mother sighed. "Yes, you don't," she pointed out. "But Felipe blames you for Eduardo's death and Joana follows his lead, as do their children. Catalina is preparing for her marriage to Afonso, which is another reason why Felipe is angry with you, and Fernando lives in Aragon now." She didn't need to say much else. Charles already understood it all. "If you wish to mope around someone in your family, it has to be me. Because everyone else is gone."
Elisabeth, Anne, Leonor, María, Eduardo. His father, his grandfathers. His grandmothers. Since he was born, Charles had been watching his family members die, one after the other. It made him wonder when it would be his turn. He closed his eyes. His mother was the only family member he had that was older than him, that had done something to bring him to this world and he…
"I should've been a better son," he murmured. There were many things he should've been. A better brother, a better husband, a better father.
"Yes, you should've," his mother agreed. She reached forward to stroke his hair. "But I wouldn't change anything.
"Wouldn't you?" he asked. "If you could do it all over again, would you make the same decisions?"
"I would," his mother said without hesitation. She leaned in to take his hands, stroking his swollen knuckles. "Those decisions allowed me good years with your father, however short they were." Her blue eyes were soft as she stroked his hands. "Wouldn't you choose the same things that led you to Anne?"
Charles closed his eyes. He would. He knew he would. Anne had been the grace and light of his life. Thinking of a possible life without her, or the memories of her, was impossible for him.
"I would," he admitted in a low voice.