Castello Sforzesco, Milan. 2nd of November, 1535.
Caterina kept her hands firmly over Ludovico's shoulders as they walked to the bed, the candles lighting up her son's nervous face. He looked at his father, at the duke, at her husband and Caterina had no more tears left to cry.
She looked at Francesco, her husband and she felt nothing but sadness. And acceptance. He had been dying for so long, for so many years and it was good to know that he would finally be at peace. Not good, maybe good was not the right word, but Caterina wondered whether he would have preferred to have suffered less. Whether he might have wished for something else, instead of seeing his strength, so impressive before, waste away. His body shedding weight as he failed to eat, failed to thrive. His muscles losing shape and size as he became confined to his bed, sores eating away at his skin as the maggots ate the dying tissue to keep off infections.
Ludovico was trembling as he sat beside his father, dark hair falling over his eyes. He swiped it away nervously and moved to take Francesco’s hand, chewing his lip nervously. Poor boy, so young, just twelve. He had need of a father still, of more guidance and now, he was to rule over all of Milan, all of Francesco’s conquests that their enemies eyed hungrily. The rich lands of Milan, Montferrat, Florence and Mantua were sure to keep them all thirsty for glory, especially now that Ercole d’Este managed to retake Modena. They could not show weaknesses, and boy lords were the bane of any house.
“Lulu?” Francesco croaked out, opening his milky white eyes. The disease had taken his vision away, his body trying to gather strength wherever it could in an effort to save itself. “Is that you, my boy?”
“Yes,” Ludovico said. “Yes, I’m here, father.”
Francesco moved slowly, his hand sliding away from Ludovico’s grasp to his arm, then to his head, where he placed his palm over the crown of dark Italian hair. Sforza hair. Caterina maintained her hold over his shoulders, keeping him steady, supported by his mother. Ludovico trembled and closed his eyes.
“I bless you child, for this final moment between us,” said Francesco with a waning voice. “You will be a good duke of Milan, I know it so.”
Ludovico nodded carefully. “I hope to rule well under your legacy,” he said, careful. “It will please me also, to have my firstborn be named either Francesco or Francesca, whatever its gender, father.”
Francesco smiled.
“Your sister, the Countess Palatine of the Rhine has already promised me the same, son,” he murmured. “Franz Wittelsbach will come after his Sforza cousins, however. You are older than your sister."
Ludovico nodded and when Caterina looked at him, she could see tears shining on his cheeks. Poor boy, so young, so in need of a male hand over him. To guide him. A father to teach him the ways of the world.
But it didn't matter. Caterina would be mother and father to him, and to all their other children. Massimiliano, Franco. Even Margherita, far away with her much older husband still needed her mother's letters to keep herself sane. Her heart raced and she nodded, watching her husband’s face, beautiful even after five years of sickness and poor health.
“Caterina, my wife?” Francesco called and Caterina moved immediately to sit beside Ludovico, a hand with her son and another with her husband. “Caterina, where are you?”
“I’m here,” she said, interlacing their fingers. “I’m right here.”
Francesco smiled, then coughed, droplets of blood spraying across his collared shirt. Caterina’s heart twisted deep in her chest and she tried not to cry.
“My love,” he whispered, “You have been to me the most loving and dutiful of wives. I never could have brought back Milan without you.”
“You could have, my lord,” Caterina responded, squeezing his hand. “With or without me, you would have brought the Sforzas back to their rightful place.”
Francesco’s smile seemed to shine even brighter. “Ever so humble,” he said. "My proud Spanish duchess, it's your time now to rule Milan. To take care of this family."
"I will," she promised. "I will finish your work."
"Don't finish my work," he said. "Finish your own." His trembling palm moved down Ludovico's face, cleaning off his tears. "Take care of this family, Caterina."
"I will, I swear it," she said. "I swear it, my love."
It took hours, maybe even years, an eternity, but Caterina couldn't feel the time pass. She held Francesco and Ludovico's hands, the day passing, her husband's body failing. The night turning into dawn, the priests' prayers stopping. The world moving on.
Caterina waited until the younger children came to kiss their father's face, when Catherine de' Medici helped Ludovico to his bedchambers. She heard the bells of Milan ringing in the early hours of the morning and she waved off the councillors coming to ask her questions, to wonder what to do with their minor ruler. She waved them off and entered her own bedchambers, dismissing her maids.
Her hands were trembling as she removed her rings, her earrings and her necklace. Her heart was broken, never to be fixed and something was squeezing her chest, preventing her from being able to breath. She felt faint, dizzy. Lost.
Caterina looked in the mirror and she could not recognize the woman depicted there, her dark reddish-brown hair. The dark bags under her eyes. She looked older, tired.
She looked like her mother.