AHC: Save "Battleship"

MerryPrankster

In the vein of "Save John Carter," here's "Save Battleship." I didn't think it was a bad movie, but it barely made back its production costs (and did most of that in the foreign markets), and it might not have broken even at all when marketing and the like is taken into account.

Here're some of my ideas on how to fix it:

*Someone who gets the "join the Navy or go to jail" offer is in all likelihood going to start out at the very bottom of the totem pole. Maybe if it's clearer he has a college degree (one could throw in some social commentary about unemployed or underemployed graduates here), that could explain why he's even a commissioned officer in the first place.

Maybe they could have some montage sequence of him thriving under military discipline and possibly doing something heroic to earn promotions (like saving the captain after a suicide boat bomb a la the Cole)?

*Improve the dialogue, or at least how it's delivered. I nearly laughed at "YOU'RE JOINING ME IN THE NAVY."

*More alien aliens instead of humanoid gecko-eyed bearded things. With that budget, they could have made them all giant spiders or squid-critters like Battle Los Angeles.

*More out of Liam Neeson, since they're already paying for him. Maybe he can get authorization to use nukes to try to crack open the shield engulfing Hawaii and agonize about using nukes or the crew who will get cancer later in life after they run a radioactive gauntlet toward the hole they blow in the shield, assuming they can even breach it.

(However, one of my friends say this would make it a better movie but not a better ACTION movie since it's really introspective.)

*Ditching the "Battleship" moniker and calling it "Invasion: Hawaii" or something like that to avoid the "THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF A BOARD GAME." However, they actually have an in-universe explanation for why the combat functions like the board game AND how they bring in an actual battleship for the climactic fight. Plus "Clue" wasn't a bad movie and the "Battleship" tie-in might've gotten it attention it wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

*Change the release date so it's not competing with The Avengers and Dark Shadows.

Just to get my usual crass self-promotion in, many of these suggestions I've already posted on my blog, here and here.
 

The Red

I have one, a bit out of left field.

Why use aliens at all? You'll just get caught up in the common problems of why they're attacking at all and why they haven't just bombarded the earth with rocks beforehand.

Why not have an underwater civilisation instead? One which has eluded capture for thousands of years (outside of folk tales and myth) and studied mankind, preparing for the day when they'll emerge and wipe out those overconfident land lubbers. Might make them a more interesting enemy, maybe even play the 'gray vs gray' morality. They're species is facing extinction due to pollution, and although they'd prefer a peaceful resolution, they realise it is best to negotiate from a position of strength.
 

MerryPrankster

The Red said:
Why use aliens at all? You'll just get caught up in the common problems of why they're attacking at all and why they haven't just bombarded the earth with rocks beforehand.
Click to expand...

I think according to the novelization, these are some ambitious alien civilians playing conquistador. They have weaponry, but not the skill.

Also, they might not have wanted to wreck the planet they want to claim for themselves.
 

Dave Howery

I would have had more alien ships and done away with the whole 'we're enclosed in a force field' thing... then, you could have a major USN vs. aliens sea battle spread out over a bigger part of the ocean; carriers, destroyers, submarines, the whole works. And they could trot out the Missouri at the end of it, when the USN is desperate, like in the OTL film...
 

The Red

MerryPrankster said:
I think according to the novelization, these are some ambitious alien civilians playing conquistador. They have weaponry, but not the skill.
Click to expand...

Even if it is just a bunch of students with low grade (for their civilisation) weaponry, they could still take out humanity quite easily from orbit.

MerryPrankster said:
Also, they might not have wanted to wreck the planet they want to claim for themselves.
Click to expand...

You could cripple human defences without wrecking the eco-system, not in the long term anyway. Unless taking slaves is the plan, but you'd expect them to be a bit more diplomatic if that was the case.
 

DValdron

Set it in WWII?

Or an alternate version of WWII or even WWI?


Have Taylor Kitsch meet with an untimely accident and force the script to be written around actors who can act?


I dunno.

seems opeless
 

LostCosmonaut

Ditch any mention of aliens. Set it in an alternate WW2 where the Japanese finally get the decisive battle they wanted, and show two hours of the Yamato and Musashi fighting all four of the Iowas.
 

MattII

that would be nice if the US didn't have radar at the time, thus they were capable of seeing all of Japan's ships anyway.
 

MerryPrankster

The Red said:
Even if it is just a bunch of students with low grade (for their civilisation) weaponry, they could still take out humanity quite easily from orbit.

You could cripple human defences without wrecking the eco-system, not in the long term anyway. Unless taking slaves is the plan, but you'd expect them to be a bit more diplomatic if that was the case.
Click to expand...

That depends on how much ammunition they brought with them, their targeting abilities, their ability to replenish ammunition they expend, etc.

Can civilian GPS guide smart bombs?

The Libyan rebels looted Gadhafi's military depots and were winning at first, but once the people who actually knew how to fight found their heads, they started spanking them hard-core. Training and discipline are important.
 
Last edited:

thekingsguard

First can I mention how god awful the movie was? As in it literally is one of the only movie I've had to review that caused me physical pain. It was so utterly godawful on a conematic level, it's almost a textbook example of bad film-making.

Aside from not making it at all? Here's the way to make it work:

1) No not, DO NOT attempt to make a Michael Bay movie with this. Michael Bay barely makes that kind of film decently, anyone else will just make a crappy version of a Michael Bay movie (re, McG, Roland Emmerich, the latter Wachowski brothers movies)

2) Aliens? Internet Memes? Stock Footage of the London Riots? Rhianna? Get rid of all of that.

3) Make a solid naval drama/action film, ala Crimson Tide or Hunt for Red October, with elements of Top Gun and such cornball military films.

4) Don't spend a dime over $100 million on the film - as mentioned with John Carter, a rule of thumb with blockbusters is that unless your movie is based on something everyone on the street has a basic knowledge of (ie, Lord of the Rings, Batman, Star Wars) you do not spend $200 million or more on an adaptation. It almost never ends well.
 

MerryPrankster

Stock footage of the London riots? Where did that come from?

And I didn't think Rihanna was a problem.

Good point about keeping it cheaper. The same gross as OTL plus a budget of $109 million means profits even by the standards of "Hollywood accounting" (income must be 2.5X expenses).

Hmm...how much did Rihanna cost? Replacing her with some no-name actress might save some money and keep the quality the same.
 

Mike Stearns

thekingsguard said:
3) Make a solid naval drama/action film, ala Crimson Tide or Hunt for Red October, with elements of Top Gun and such cornball military films.
Click to expand...

I agree. I'd ditch the aliens and set it during World War II. Make them fight some sort of Nazi uberwarship, like the Bismark with ray guns or something. The thing that totally turned me off was that there was no attempt to explain the presense of an Iowa-class battleship in a modern naval strike force.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top
Top