AHC ruining Star wars episode VII

I didn't found any thread about this, so here is it, let's say that Disney and Lucas film didn't learned anything about the the second trilogy, your objective is to describe the worst (possible) alternative version of the episode VII, nothing ASB please
 
Have Snoke be an awful CGI Palpatine clone instead and replace Starkiller base with the Eye of Palpatine.

Have his apprentice be a Luke turned to the dark side and on a mission to kill all the new Jedi he helped train.

There also has to be a hefty amount of senate scenes and discussion of trade disputes.
 
Needless expendable droids as cannon fodder. Create a villian that looks cool but definitely kill them at the end. Have the hero accidently take out the main villain's superweapon.
 
Make Finn into the human version of Jar Jar. Bring back Jar Jar himself too, maybe his species can live a really long time. Make Jar Jar the leader of the New Republic, and when you think he died with the rest of them, have him show up with the Resistance ordering Leia and Admiral Ackbar around. Have Finn be extremely obnoxious. For Rey, have her be even more of a blatant Mary Sue, up her obnoxiousness, make her blatantly pander to the feminist audience with cringeworthy "girl power" moments in every scene.

Then make Kylo Ren into a blatant clone of Hayden Christensen's Episode II Anakin. Introduce a horribly badly written love interest like Episode II, and have that be the main focus of his character arc in that episode and what turns him evil. Make it a blatant ripoff of Attack of the Clones for good measure.

Other than that, keep it mostly the same. Have George Lucas be giving his input the whole time, including on the writing, while any time even he might have some reservations, ignore him. So basically, it'll start by ripping off The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, and end by ripping off the Death Star scenes from A New Hope.
 
Darth Jar Jar.

or

Hey, guess what? The Emperor survived the fall into the Death Star II, comes back in a bigger version of Vader's suite... all CGI, ofc
 
Look, a Star Wars movie doesn't have to have Jar Jar to be horrible.

Just look at Ep III, all you need is wooden stilted dialog [filmed in shot/reverse shot], greenscreen EVERYTHING, overlong lightsaber sequences with seemingly little to no point or stakes (seriously, the Rey/Finn vs. Kylo Ren sequence was great despite lacking in all forms of acrobatics that was the prequels bread and butter) and ruin previously well developed characters (e.g. turning Yoda from a wise master whose physical condition had no bearing on his power into an idiotic muppet on speed).

Also shoehorn in old characters without giving them much, or anything for that matter to do (Ep III Chewie). And don't forget to include no tension whatsoever ("The Chancellor is a Sith Lord? Let's slowly walk and talk about it Anakin").

Also be sure that the love interest has no standards whatsoever ("You murdered an entire village Anakin? It's ok, to be angry is to be human....")
 
Also be sure that the love interest has no standards whatsoever ("You murdered an entire village Anakin? It's ok, to be angry is to be human....")

On a sidenote, related: one of the reasons why I almost-hate the 3 prequels is that they almost killed Natalie Portman's career...

Back on subject:

Newsflash: Bobba Fet's father did NOT die in the arena. That was just a clone. haha.

Newsflash: Jabba the Hut was a former Republican Senator.
 

yourworstnightmare

Banned
Donor
Look, a Star Wars movie doesn't have to have Jar Jar to be horrible.

Just look at Ep III, all you need is wooden stilted dialog [filmed in shot/reverse shot], greenscreen EVERYTHING, overlong lightsaber sequences with seemingly little to no point or stakes (seriously, the Rey/Finn vs. Kylo Ren sequence was great despite lacking in all forms of acrobatics that was the prequels bread and butter) and ruin previously well developed characters (e.g. turning Yoda from a wise master whose physical condition had no bearing on his power into an idiotic muppet on speed).

Also shoehorn in old characters without giving them much, or anything for that matter to do (Ep III Chewie). And don't forget to include no tension whatsoever ("The Chancellor is a Sith Lord? Let's slowly walk and talk about it Anakin").

Also be sure that the love interest has no standards whatsoever ("You murdered an entire village Anakin? It's ok, to be angry is to be human....")

They could double up the Kylo Ren scenes, and the movie would be near unwatchable.

But yes,. do it like the prequels and you have a recipe for disaster.
(Also, Palpatine clones).
 

Artaxerxes

Banned
A Stormtrooper and Ewok fall in love as the Ewok tries to maintain the family home.

Yes its Gone With the Wind meets Romeo and Juliet. We can subtitle it as Gone with the Skywalkers.

Meanwhile the subplot revolves around Threepio and Artoo having wacky CGI adventures trying to do odd jobs around the house.
 
Have Warner Brothers buy it and put in huge ammounts of CGI, have either Micheal Bay or Zach Snyder direct, have the characters be one dimensional and boring, have it be a retread of Ep 1 or something. There, an utterly shitty SW film:p.
 
Some poorer casting choices would be a good first step. Adding more cringe worthy ethnic stereotypes amongst the aliens. Have Snoke just be Palpatine who survived 'because'. Keep in the complete lack of understanding for how big space is. Make the awkward hints at a Rey/Finn relationship even more awkward.
 
Some poorer casting choices would be a good first step. Adding more cringe worthy ethnic stereotypes amongst the aliens. Have Snoke just be Palpatine who survived 'because'. Keep in the complete lack of understanding for how big space is. Make the awkward hints at a Rey/Finn relationship even more awkward.

Honestly can you get worse than Watto "Jewish merchant" and Jar Jar "Rural black"?
 
Honestly can you get worse than Watto "Jewish merchant" and Jar Jar "Rural black"?

And the Nemodian's as 'Asian' I have expected one to go IMPOSSIBURU!!!

Hmm..how to make it worse...Really really Baaaaaaaaaad arabic sterotype (complete with long Burkah clothing)

And instead of rural black. Lets go full Rastafarian.
 
Some poorer casting choices would be a good first step. Adding more cringe worthy ethnic stereotypes amongst the aliens. Have Snoke just be Palpatine who survived 'because'. Keep in the complete lack of understanding for how big space is. Make the awkward hints at a Rey/Finn relationship even more awkward.

JJ Abrams and basic science don't really seem to get along.
 
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