Jay: Hello, everyone, I'm Jay.
Rich: I'm Rich Evans.
Jay: And that's a good Dune prequel book.
Cut to an empty coffee table.
Jay: And today Rich and I will be discussing the 1984 blockbuster "Dune," right here on the re:View. Rich, what did you think of "Dune?"
Rich: This isn't "Half in the Bag," Jay.
Jay: *laughs* I know, but what did you think of it?
Rich: Well, it's a, uh... I wanna say controversial, but that's not right. Divisive?
Jay: "Divisive" is a good word for it.
Rich: Yeah, it's divisive among the hardcore "Dune" fans for the way it treated the characters.
Jay: They should have seen the proposed Jodorowsky treatment for it then.
Rich: *laughs* Yeah. David Lynch had a reputation though as this artistic director and everyone expected this thinking man's "Star Wars" and...
*Buzzer sounds*
Rich: Ah, dammit.
Jay: What's the time, Mike?
Mike (Off Camera): Less than a minute.
Jay: Took you less than a minute.
Rich: Yeah, well... Yeah. It was going to happen. Desert planet. Chosen one. Mystical power. You know. I, personally, liked the movie, because this was as good as it was going to get for a summer sci-fi blockbuster that was less than two and a half hours in the '80s.
Jay: Summer. Sci-Fi. Blockbuster. Less than two and a half hours. Made in the '80s.
Rich: Right. You add that up. This is as good as it's going to get. And it was a product of its time. We're talking summer '84, right? What's that? "Ghostbusters" is your competition.
Jay: And "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Indiana Jones" and "Gremlins."
Rich: 1984 was a Hell of a year for movies, wasn't it?
Jay: Yeah. It really was, wasn't it?
Rich: And the top box office that year is a profoundly weird sci-fi film made from a book written in the '60s that had its best parts ripped off by...
*Buzzer sounds*
Rich: It's kind of amazing when you think about it. So yeah, it could not be faithful to the book in that type of environment. If it had been, it'd have been three hours long and no one would watch it except fat guys with beards.
Josh the Wizard (Off Camera): Hey!
Jay: And the pacing would have been totally off for a blockbuster, right?
Rich: Oh yeah. This is... something happens every ten minutes. This is a popcorn movie. A weird popcorn movie, but still a popcorn movie.
Jay: But a good popcorn movie.
Rich: Yeah.
Jay: Lets talk Feyd Rautha.
Rich: Well, Baron Feyd Rautha-Rabban-Harkonnen, right?
Jay: Right. They combined three characters into one. Good move?
Rich: If Adam Copeland is playing him, no. But if you have Sting...
Jay: Who's Adam Copeland?
Rich: What?
Jay: No, "What" is on first.
Rich: Huh?
Jay: You said Adam Copeland?
Rich: Yeah.
Jay: Who is Adam Copeland?
Rich: The guy in the band with Sting.
Jay: *laughs* That's Stewart Copeland.
Rich: Oh. Then who's Adam Copeland?
Jay: I don't know.
Insert photo of Rated-R WWE Superstar The Edge, real name Adam Copeland.
Rich: They had Sting.
Insert photo of WCW Superstar Sting.
Rich: You have Sting, you have to beef up his part. So he goes from playing the the nephew of the Baron to playing both nephews to playing the nephews and the Baron all rolled up into one. It's a movie.
Jay: Do you lose something there?
Rich: Neckbeards getting angry at you for not having a minor character like Rabban? And having a skinny guy play the Baron.
Jay: Not just a skinny guy. The Baron disappeared, right?
Rich: Well, yeah, kinda. But Feyd still does all the things Baron does.
Jay: Minus the sodomy.
Rich: Uh, you're forgetting the scene where him and Twisted Mentat...
Jay: Oh yeah. *laughs*
Rich: You know, the funny thing about Feyd-Sting, no one complained about Chani and Harrah becoming one person in the movie, did they?
Jay: Possibly because she was portrayed by Sean Young?
Insert photo of haggard looking Sean Young with a bad hair day circa 2017, set to scary music.
Rich: Because she was portrayed by 1984 Sean Young.
Insert photo of Sean Young circa 1984 looking quite attractive set to funk music.
Jay: Is that why nobody complained about Duncan Idaho and Gurney Halleck being one person?
Rich: Because he was portrayed by Patrick Stewart?
Insert photo of Capt. Picard having a Star Trek appropriate romance with Vash set to jazz.
Jay: I know I was turned on when I saw him.
Rich: Who wouldn't be?
Jay: Should we talk about the plot?
Rich: Yeah. Bad Emperor sets a trap to get rid himself of his Good Rival using a Big Bad. Good Rival, his Hot Wife, his Chosen One son and his Doomed Companions fall for the trap. Good Rival is betrayed. Hot Wife and Chosen One wander into the desert. Find Plucky Rebels. Learn the Ways of the Force...
*Buzzer sounds*
Rich: Chosen One gets Hot Babe. Hot Babe gets kidnapped by Big Bad. Chosen One leads a Rebellion, kills Big Bad, exiles Bad Emperor, gets Hot Babe again and makes it rain.
Insert photo of "Pacman" Jones throwing money at exotic dancers.
Jay: But what about the ecology?
Rich: He makes it rain.
Jay: But there is no Kiet Lynes to explain...
Rich: They got what's his face...
Insert photo of weird-face alien from "Star Wars: Phantom Menace."
Jay: ... Max Von Sydow...
Rich: Yeah, Emperor Ming the Merciless tells Chosen One the Prophecy about making Dune green again.
Jay: But he's not Kiet Lynes.
Rich: Yeah, well. He does Kiet Lynes things.
Jay: So why not call him Kiet Lynes?
Rich: Because then you'd have to spend time explaining stuff. It's a two and a half hour popcorn movie.
Jay: About a sophisticated sci-fi story.
Rich: Competing against "Gremlins" and "Ghostbusters."
Jay: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor.
Rich: We have a sponsor?
Jay: How did you think we financed "SpaceCop?"