alternatehistory.com

Foreword/Intro:


This will be an extensive scenario. The POD is the existence of a man named Jean-Girard Depaul and his appointment to an important post he was in no way prepared to handle.


It should be assumed that most of the entries (except those obviously excepted) are taken from historical texts present in the TTL world. I will not, however, invent titles or publishers for those books.


Contrary to initial appearances, this will not be an Ameriwank, nor in fact focus strictly on America. As the butterflies increase, the whole world will slowly change.


Finally, if you have a question about what happens to a particular person, concept, group, venture, or country in the timeline, please don't hesitate to ask. I will make an effort to either add them to the timeline or at least explain their fate in the Roll Call section, and hopefully learn some new things meanwhile.


Now, without further delay, here's a TTL quote to set the mood and Chapter 1:


The whole of human history can be seen as the story of a single struggle. Not merely the struggle of nations against each other or even humanity’s shared struggle against its hostile environment, but the struggle of each man against his own baser nature; the effort of learning and thinking critically so as to overcome the aggressive instincts, logical fallacies, and superstitions inherent in the human brain. It is the angel wrestling the ape; the enlightened mind’s attempt to overpower the body that does not yet realize it has left the caves.
Mankind’s best hope lies in achieving victory in this struggle, for the trophy of this victory shall be the ability to win every other struggle.
~ Wilhelm Nietzsche, Against Stupidity

Chapter 1: Unfortunate Choices.


Stupidity in small quantities is never useful; but stupidity in large quantities can force the wise to take action – and that is all the usefulness in the world.
~Wilhelm Nietzhe


The appointment of Jean-Girard Depaul as the Governor-General of New France was, without a doubt, the biggest blunder in French trans-atlantic history. But the man’s worst deficiencies had not been obvious in France. At the court he was regarded as uncivil and over-familiar, always thinking he could see straight into men’s minds, but otherwise not particularly bad. Many people were glad to have an ocean between Jean Depaul and themselves, so when the previous Governor-General died in 1952, the court agreed that Depaul should serve as his replacement.
Perhaps they didn’t realize just how uncivil he could be.


***
“I always thought the Jesuit missions were a bit silly, didn’t you? After all, no matter how much effort we may put into it, these savages will never truly understand Catholicism, don’t you think? The priests should be here ministering to Frenchmen, not talking to the redskins about things far over their heads – it’s a bit like tossing pearls before swine, after all, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Huh?”
“Yes, sir. Just as you say,” the unfortunate assistant kept his voice to a whisper, painfully aware that Governor Depaul’s booming baritone went right through the walls and to the crowd outside. And also that regardless of what Depaul apparently thought, the Native dignitaries understood English quite well.
It didn’t get any better once Depaul threw the doors open, either. The man stood there with a mad grin, the sort that men use when they want to show babies or dogs that they’re happy, before beginning a speech. It was, by far, the single most condescending one given by a Frenchman to a Native. Nevertheless, the sheer stupidity of the words could never prepare everyone for the end:
“…and to commemorate the beginning of our relationship, we will have a special treat! Carry it in, boys!”
The four men walking in had on their faces expressions of both disgust and horror. When the Natives saw their burden, they shared the expression.
In America, as in France, it is generally considered impolite to bring a roasted corpse to a gathering.
The general consensus among historians is that this was not a calculated insult. Governor Depaul must have honestly believed the Natives would see this as a friendly overture. Certainly, the diaries of the men present suggest that he was completely unaware of the tense atmosphere.
“Go ahead,” he smiled. “Eat up!”
If there is anything he could have said to make the situation worse, that would be it.
“Uh…sir? I really don’t think they’re interested,” his hapless servant whispered.
“Nonsense! Watch what you say there, or our friends here might just eat you next! Right? Right? Am I right, or what?” Depaul gave an exaggerated wink at the Natives. “They’re just shy, I’m sure. Don’t you worry, though. We understand these things in France. Ancient customs and all that, right? Here, I’ll even go first.”
To everyone’s horror, Governor Depaul leaned down and cut off one of the roasted man’s fingers with his knife. Then, with great care, he bit off a piece of the flesh and chewed it with great jaw movements.
“Hey, this isn’t half bad! I can see what you people find in this.”


***

The complaints started immediately. The very next ship to leave New France was laden with letters seeking to inform the Crown that Governor Depaul was in a position unsuitable for him. The representatives of the Native government wrote in to assure King Lois that Depaul’s attempts to feed them human flesh were not appreciated, and that nor were his attempts to make the French act enthusiastic about the whole thing. Even more than the cannibalism, the native population protested the Governor’s plans to increase French immigration into Huron lands and the ‘Tomahawk Tax’ he attempted to levy.
Few of the letter-writers followed the proper procedures, and those who did still had to compete with Depaul’s reports of his own excellence and the general belligerency of the population. Even when the King grew worried, it only meant that the slow wheels of the government started turning. There were committees to be held before a commission could even be dispatched. That commission then had to traverse the span of the Atlantic and thoroughly check things out, then make the return trip. Its results would then be called ‘inconclusive,’ and another commission would be dispatched. All of that took time, so it was nearly two years before a messenger arrived with signed orders for Depaul to immediately step down and return to France, to be replaced by the Lieutenant-Governor until his replacement arrived. But the messenger failed to find Depaul, who had taken most of the French Colonial Army along with whatever Natives he could conscript, and rode out into Ohio, with the intent of “kicking British butt from here to Virginia.”


***

The conflict taking place in North America between 1754 and 1755 had many names throughout history. In Europe, it was known as the American War. To the members of the Thirteen Colonies, it was the War of French Aggression. To the inhabitants of New France, it was the War of Depaul’s Folly. But we shall call it by the name American history books list it as: The War of Unification.
From a military standpoint, the war was an embarrassment for the French. Though Depaul dominated the fields of Ohio at first, this was mostly because he had brought the entirety of the French military forces into the contentious region. By the time the King’s messenger reached Depaul, however, the British had recovered from their shock and mounted militias, backed up by the Iroquois, the entire combined force hell-bent on avenging the French invasion.
Michel-Ange Du Quesne consequently found his term as Governor-General of New France short and troublesome. It seems unfair that even as Depaul’s ship took the former Governor back to his estate, Du Quesne had his hands full dealing with an army gutted by high casualties and higher desertion rates, the irreparable relations with the Indians, and a disaffected populace. And even while Depaul, barred forever from holding any government office, settled down to write the first ever comprehensive cookbook for cannibals, indulging the taste he’d developed in New World, Du Quesne was left to lose the war he did not start.
For the British colonists, the remainder of the war was mostly a scramble to be the first to bring New France down. The disorganization of the British forces was the only reason the war lasted until 1755 rather than ending long before then. But when at last Virginian militia under the command of George Washington entered Quebec City, the war was over. New France had effectively fallen. Soon afterward, it was officially ceded by the French Government, eager to be finished with the whole embarrassing business.
The series of extraordinary bad decisions was not finished quite yet, however. The torch was passed to the British government, in the form of the Royal Proclamation of 1756. It added the conquered territories to the possessions previously gained by the British. New France was thus divided into Ontario, Ouisconsin, Labrador, Newfoundland, Acadia/Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Hudson Bay, North Quebec, and South Quebec. The Proclamation laid heavy restrictions on the population of New France, including an oath of loyalty, British-appointed governors who could decide the affairs of their territories with no regard for the wishes of the populace, and a clause forbidding Catholics from running for any political office unless they renounced their faith. In this, it represented the worst of the British paranoia, and in seeking to prevent revolts it almost certainly hastened them.
Worse than that was the provision regarding the Ohio territory. Since the possession and colonization of Ohio was the main reason for the war, the Colonials naturally expected their efforts would be rewarded with freedom to expand. However Britain, for reasons of its own, while opening Ohio to colonization in the loosest sense of the word, kept tight controls on the territory, ruling it from far-off London.
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