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At the Fuhrers HQ Groucho Marx paces back and forth, hands clasped behind his back, a deep frown weighs on his brow, operation Seasick Dumkopfs is beginning, H Hour has arrived.

Hitler ( high on Amphetamines ) "I'm having my doubt's about having allowed you to plan this operation. Are you sure it will work."

Groucho "well it worked at Troy didn't it"

Hitler "if it fails, if the British don't go for it ?, then what ?, well be the laughing stock"

Groucho "then we have to use the coal barges as a last resort"

Hitler "ach mein gott" arms flailing "i forgot to remind Halder to take the coal out"

Knock at the door.

Hitler "who is it ?" - "oh its me Halder mein fuhrer"

Halder enters covered in soot. Hitler runs to him, grasping him at the elbows in an urgent fashion.

Hitler "tell me me you remembered to take the coal out"

Halder "of course mein fuhrer, do you think were dumkopfs at OKH, do you think we would send the finest of our men across the channel to fight the worlds strongest navy, in coal barges going at 3 knots per hour and forget to take the coal out".

Groucho "well stranger things have happened"

knock at the door, "come in" shouts Groucho" - "hey who's the fuhrer here" says Hitler

In walks Guderian - also covered in coal dust. coughing, wheezing and spluttering.

Guderian "mein fuhrer i have come with a request from the men of 9th army"

Hitler "a request, what request"

Halder intercedes "we wondered if we might postpone Seasick Dumkopfs"

Guderian "only for a few days"

Halder "yes just a few days"

Hitler "why ?"

Guderian "some of the men are worried about their uniforms getting covered in coal dust"

Halder "it's difficult to get the stains out"

Guderian "a few days mein fuhrer, just to give the barges a good scrub"

Hitler "oh ok - go on then, i can't bare to see a grown nazi cry. Anyhow we wont need those pitifully slow, unarmed, defenceless, unmanouverable, unseaworthy leaky barges if my friend Groucho's plan works"

Halder wheezing, sneezing, spluttering. "plan ? Groucho's plan"

Hitler "a secret"

Groucho "secret plan of mine, well yours if it fails"

On a beach near Calais, throngs of German Engineers are heaving on ropes attached to a giant Gold painted wooden lion.

Goering "not far now, thats it, a few more feet"

General Blaskowitz slaps Goering on the back "well done, well done indeed,"

As the 2 men congratulate each other men of the 112th Infantry Regiment are forming queues beneath the ladders leading up to the body of the great wooden lion.

Goering "pity we can't get any artillery in there"

Blaskowitz "or a couple of Panzers"

Goering "still beggars can't be choosers"

Blaskowitz "perils of invading england, the worlds strongest naval power, without a navy of our own".

A staff car comes racing down the beach - Admiral Raeder gets out.

Blaskowitz "shhh - no more mention of the Royal Navy"

Goering "and hows the c in c of the Kreigsmarine today - excited i bet"

The men are in the great wooden lion - then suddenly a commotion begins, shouting and scuffling can be heard from the wooden lion. The hatches come flying open and men of the 112th Infantry Regiment come pouring back down the ladders.

Raeder screams "what in hells name is going on"

One of the men on a ladder "somebody farted herr Gross Admiral"

Goering "i dont care, get back in there, thats an order"

The men file sullenly back up the ladders, the hatches are shut again only for one to be thrown open a few seconds later.

Blaskowitz "now what ?".

A lone voice from the wooden lion. "promise me this thing will float herr General"

Blaskowitz "yes, yes the Kreigsmarine knows what it's doing"

Another voice from the wooden lion "aren't you coming with us herr general"

Blaskowitz "i'll be along later, i've something important to do"

Another voice from the wooden lion "but your our commanding officer sir, we cant go without you"

Raeder "settle down everyone, the general will be along later, dont worry were not going to abandon you"

The hatch is closed again to much mumbling as sailors of the Kreigsmarine begin dragging 4 huge cables up the beach towards the wooden lion. At the other end of them each is attached to a tug bobbing about in the sea.

Blaskowitz "i hope your men waterproofed this thing properly"

Raeder "will it capsize is the question"

Blaskowitz "poor sods a week of floating about in that thing"

Raeder "lets hope Curchill takes the bait"

Goering "he's bound to, how could he resist, look at it all golden and gleaming, s*** i want one for my collection"

Raeder shouting through a loud hailer to the tug boat captains
"now not too fast understand, we didnt have enough sea sick pills for all the men".

The cables are at last attached, Raeder gives the signal and the little tugs begin revving. The great wooden lion begins moving down the beach. Eventually after what seems a life time the sea is reached. The huge wooden construction begins to tentatively sway from side to side whilst bobbing up and down in the water, cries and shouts of panic can be heard coming from inside the Wooden Lion.

Frightened voices from inside the lion
"Herr Admiral we forgot the life jackets"
"we forgot the ammunition as well"
"and the combat rations"
"medical kits"

Raeder starts hitting Blaskowitz with his cap "how could you forget the life jackets and ammo"

Blaskowitz flailing his hands at Raeder "your meant to be to be in charge of supply"

Goering shouting from his hand "improvise - improvise in the spirit of National Socialism"

Raeder, Goerring and Blaskowitz all start waving and shouting encouragements to the men as the Wooden Lion edges away from the coast. Slowly it melts into the darkness and the 3 men begin walking up the beach to their waiting cars.

TO BE CONTINUED.
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