alternatehistory.com
April Fools
ARKADIA: So here in Thule we dwell in harmony with the Gods, with all the kinds of animals that dwell in our lands, and with all of the peoples that neighbour us, such as the Eudokioi, Euloges, and the Anthanthropoi, dwelling in peace and reserving our time for song, philosophy, arts and crafts, and love-making. What about you, what of your homeland?
GLOUTOS: Well Lakonia is the most beautiful part of my homeland, shall I describe it to you in detail?
ARCADIA: Oh you surely must!
GLOUTOS: Well, first there is its fertility, which is so poor as to force us to conquer better lands in order to furnish our rough and readies with their daily meals, who could ask for a better homeland? Then there are the splendid views, of endless rocky gullies, and bitterly cold, craggy mountains, in which any number of dangerous beasts dwell which are likely to attack and eat passers by! Such views over unlovely groves and homesteads could not possibly be bettered! And speaking of our food, we subsist only on a foul black broth made from the least lovely parts of animals and enough supplementary ingredients to prevent vomiting, or at least to prevent vomiting after the third time eating the black broth. It is a feast fit for Zeus himself. We are a proud and noble people, constantly seeking to advance our nation’s glorious cause by subjugating weaker, lesser peoples, and to cause as much sacrilege when doing so as possible, for how else could we evidence our widely renowned piety and respect for our Gods but by defacing, destroying, and having ugly sex in all of the sacred groves and temples of other Hellenes? Our society is all harmony, where a very few families of ancient status rule over multitudes of fellow Hellenes, and where ancient and proud ethne of Hellas are reduced to slavery purely out of our own inability to feed ourselves with our own labour, and where naked women are made to exercise in public to evidence their worthiness for bearing children!
ARKADIA: Oh Gloutos, you are truly the greatest comedian that has ever lived, and far superior to that talentless Sophokles whose comedies are so legendarily bad that even here, in farthest Thule, we have banned their performance for fear of disrupting public order.
GLOUTOS: A sensible plan o beautiful Thulian, in Lakonia we ban all literature for fear of exhibiting too much imagination and interest at things other than killing the creatures and peoples of the world.
ARKADIA: Hark, who is it that approaches yonder? I recognise not this lovely form.
HELEN: Hail, most robust and firm buttocked warrior of Hellas, from which city do you come to this place of loveliness?
GLOUTOS: Greetings o fair stranger, I am from that most noble and righteous polis, that noble beacon of civilization shining above all others… Sparta!
HELEN: Sparta?! Where is a Trojan prince when you need one…
ARKADIA: Why do you flee in such haste, o fair maiden?
GLOUTOS: Perhaps my buttocks intimidated her.
ARKADIA: That is perhaps true, they are frighteningly large to those unused to their presence. Are such posteriors common to all those from Lakonia?
GLOUTOS: They are not common at all, in fact my own pertness is the cause of my current wandering across the earth, alas for my fate!
ARKADIA: But whyfore would such excellent and most rounded cheeks be of concern in such a lovely land as your homeland?
GLOUTOS: Well we are accustomed, in my homeland, to the attentions of the elder men of status in our society, and such firm and large buttocks as these prevent the penetration of my behind, despite the flames of lust it aroused in all who beheld it! Their frustration at being unable to hump this plumpest rump led to my banishment from Lakonia, for fear of the sexual frustration of all the other Lakones interfering with our wars against the other Hellenes. Such a fate to befall a warrior as I…
ARKADIA: Is there no way to increase the width of your cleft?
GLOUTOS: Not even the finest smiths in all of Hellas were able to enlarge the crevice of my arse, and man must surely have experienced few such disappointments in all of our history as a race than I have endured as a result of my over-tightness..
ARKADIA: Well then I must take you deeper into Thule, for the pleasant sights and diversions from the cruel world outside to relieve your suffering at the hands of such a cruel fate.
GLOUTOS: You are too kind, my lady.
MEDES: Halt!
ARKADIA: Who are you to tell us to halt, in my own country and lands?
MEDES: We’re the Medes!
GLOUTOS: Perfidious orientals! Stand back, Arkadia, they will attempt to conquer us with their money and pleasures!
ARKADIA: They have no pleasures with which to tempt a child of Thule, fair Lakon. Tell me Medes, however did you discover this land, kept as it is hidden from the rest of the world?
MEDES: We had heard reports of a wondrous backside wandering the lands hither and thither, distracting everyone in its wake. Our distant king had us pursue the reports of this backside, for nothing can be so splendid that it does not tempt the King of the Medes from desiring it in his own, already overlarge palace!
GLOUTOS: Alas, fair lady, I have led these ruffians into your home because of this pair of firm buttocks. They are truly my curse from the gods!
MEDES: So the tales were true, truly you have the most wondrous hind-quarters across all the quarters of the world. And you are a Hellene, that requires us to seek to take you away and subject you to the authority of our King!
GLOUTOS: Stand behind me fair lady, I must take out my shield blessed by the Gods.
ARKADIA: See, the Gods do not desert you in your time of need! Surely they have blessed you with such divine protections as you deserve.
MEDES: Ahhh! Careful where you point that shield, that erection will poke out someone’s eye!
ARKADIA: Such amazing sorcery, pray tell me which God blessed your shield so so that I might give them my offerings?
GLOUTOS: Priapos blessed my shield so, he said that my backside was more than deserving of such a charm to protect its integrity!
MEDES: We relent, we relent! Stab us not with your engorgement, and we shall cease to attempt to bring you back to our homeland, though we cannot promise to cease molesting your pleasantly plenteous posterior...
Μηδίζω! THE WORLD OF ACHAEMENID HELLAS
INTERMISSION
EXTRACT FROM SOPHOKLES’ LAKONES (441 BCE)
INTERMISSION
EXTRACT FROM SOPHOKLES’ LAKONES (441 BCE)
ARKADIA: So here in Thule we dwell in harmony with the Gods, with all the kinds of animals that dwell in our lands, and with all of the peoples that neighbour us, such as the Eudokioi, Euloges, and the Anthanthropoi, dwelling in peace and reserving our time for song, philosophy, arts and crafts, and love-making. What about you, what of your homeland?
GLOUTOS: Well Lakonia is the most beautiful part of my homeland, shall I describe it to you in detail?
ARCADIA: Oh you surely must!
GLOUTOS: Well, first there is its fertility, which is so poor as to force us to conquer better lands in order to furnish our rough and readies with their daily meals, who could ask for a better homeland? Then there are the splendid views, of endless rocky gullies, and bitterly cold, craggy mountains, in which any number of dangerous beasts dwell which are likely to attack and eat passers by! Such views over unlovely groves and homesteads could not possibly be bettered! And speaking of our food, we subsist only on a foul black broth made from the least lovely parts of animals and enough supplementary ingredients to prevent vomiting, or at least to prevent vomiting after the third time eating the black broth. It is a feast fit for Zeus himself. We are a proud and noble people, constantly seeking to advance our nation’s glorious cause by subjugating weaker, lesser peoples, and to cause as much sacrilege when doing so as possible, for how else could we evidence our widely renowned piety and respect for our Gods but by defacing, destroying, and having ugly sex in all of the sacred groves and temples of other Hellenes? Our society is all harmony, where a very few families of ancient status rule over multitudes of fellow Hellenes, and where ancient and proud ethne of Hellas are reduced to slavery purely out of our own inability to feed ourselves with our own labour, and where naked women are made to exercise in public to evidence their worthiness for bearing children!
ARKADIA: Oh Gloutos, you are truly the greatest comedian that has ever lived, and far superior to that talentless Sophokles whose comedies are so legendarily bad that even here, in farthest Thule, we have banned their performance for fear of disrupting public order.
GLOUTOS: A sensible plan o beautiful Thulian, in Lakonia we ban all literature for fear of exhibiting too much imagination and interest at things other than killing the creatures and peoples of the world.
ARKADIA: Hark, who is it that approaches yonder? I recognise not this lovely form.
HELEN: Hail, most robust and firm buttocked warrior of Hellas, from which city do you come to this place of loveliness?
GLOUTOS: Greetings o fair stranger, I am from that most noble and righteous polis, that noble beacon of civilization shining above all others… Sparta!
HELEN: Sparta?! Where is a Trojan prince when you need one…
ARKADIA: Why do you flee in such haste, o fair maiden?
GLOUTOS: Perhaps my buttocks intimidated her.
ARKADIA: That is perhaps true, they are frighteningly large to those unused to their presence. Are such posteriors common to all those from Lakonia?
GLOUTOS: They are not common at all, in fact my own pertness is the cause of my current wandering across the earth, alas for my fate!
ARKADIA: But whyfore would such excellent and most rounded cheeks be of concern in such a lovely land as your homeland?
GLOUTOS: Well we are accustomed, in my homeland, to the attentions of the elder men of status in our society, and such firm and large buttocks as these prevent the penetration of my behind, despite the flames of lust it aroused in all who beheld it! Their frustration at being unable to hump this plumpest rump led to my banishment from Lakonia, for fear of the sexual frustration of all the other Lakones interfering with our wars against the other Hellenes. Such a fate to befall a warrior as I…
ARKADIA: Is there no way to increase the width of your cleft?
GLOUTOS: Not even the finest smiths in all of Hellas were able to enlarge the crevice of my arse, and man must surely have experienced few such disappointments in all of our history as a race than I have endured as a result of my over-tightness..
ARKADIA: Well then I must take you deeper into Thule, for the pleasant sights and diversions from the cruel world outside to relieve your suffering at the hands of such a cruel fate.
GLOUTOS: You are too kind, my lady.
MEDES: Halt!
ARKADIA: Who are you to tell us to halt, in my own country and lands?
MEDES: We’re the Medes!
GLOUTOS: Perfidious orientals! Stand back, Arkadia, they will attempt to conquer us with their money and pleasures!
ARKADIA: They have no pleasures with which to tempt a child of Thule, fair Lakon. Tell me Medes, however did you discover this land, kept as it is hidden from the rest of the world?
MEDES: We had heard reports of a wondrous backside wandering the lands hither and thither, distracting everyone in its wake. Our distant king had us pursue the reports of this backside, for nothing can be so splendid that it does not tempt the King of the Medes from desiring it in his own, already overlarge palace!
GLOUTOS: Alas, fair lady, I have led these ruffians into your home because of this pair of firm buttocks. They are truly my curse from the gods!
MEDES: So the tales were true, truly you have the most wondrous hind-quarters across all the quarters of the world. And you are a Hellene, that requires us to seek to take you away and subject you to the authority of our King!
GLOUTOS: Stand behind me fair lady, I must take out my shield blessed by the Gods.
ARKADIA: See, the Gods do not desert you in your time of need! Surely they have blessed you with such divine protections as you deserve.
MEDES: Ahhh! Careful where you point that shield, that erection will poke out someone’s eye!
ARKADIA: Such amazing sorcery, pray tell me which God blessed your shield so so that I might give them my offerings?
GLOUTOS: Priapos blessed my shield so, he said that my backside was more than deserving of such a charm to protect its integrity!
MEDES: We relent, we relent! Stab us not with your engorgement, and we shall cease to attempt to bring you back to our homeland, though we cannot promise to cease molesting your pleasantly plenteous posterior...
- Daeres
- Word Count: 1.1k