*interior* *Westminster Abbey* *the crown has just been set on Queen Victoria's head*
Man: *seated in the galleries* *rises to his feet as peers don their caps and shout "God Save The Queen" *
Prince Eszterhazy: and now the race begins to find the new queen a husband.
Man: I thought they have already found one.
Eszterhazy: several, in fact. But the young lady is a young lady and does as young ladies tend to do.
Man: she's a coquette?
Eszterhazy: if you've met the dragons guarding her, you'd hardly be surprised, your Highness.
Man: that is my aunt you speak of, sir.
Eszterhazy: *looks at the Duchess of Kent* I was not speaking of the Duchess. I was speaking of her... Comptroller and the Baroness Lehzen.
Prince Albert: *about to respond when something lands on his head* *he brushes it off* *something else lands on his head* *he looks up* *there's another man grinning at him from a balcony/gallery*
Eszterhazy: what on earth. How did he get up there?
Prince Albert: I think the better question is why he's up there.
Eszterhazy: *sarcastically* practicing his swandive hopefully.
Few moments later:
*Man from gallery is in the stalls next to them*
Prince Albert: * ignoring him*
Man from Gallery: *wets finger in mouth* *jams it in Albert's ear*
Prince Albert: *near yelps in surprise*
Man from gallery: *claps hand over Albert's mouth* was that the noise you made when they pierced your cock as well? [1]
Prince Albert: have you no sense of decorum?
Man from gallery: plenty. What I don't have is patience for flimflam like this. It's a good English word that.
Prince Esterhazy : I'm starting to regret bringing either of you.
Man from gallery: so why did you then, Prince? Mean... I could tell you the delicious story the Ottoman ambassador told me about your son and Lord Jersey's daughter.
Prince Eszterhazy: is that who you were up there with?
Man from gallery: poor bugger - my new favorite English word. Nicer than cunt. - finds this all... rather overwhelming I'm afraid.
Prince Albert: because we're civilized and don't murder our kings?
Man from gallery: what was that one... Name starts with an 'N'... The British poisoned him with wallpaper. Was it Nikolas? No. It's
on the tip of my tongue
Prince Albert: we get the hint, Franz.
Franz: utter tosh, of course. Do you know how much wallpaper you'd have to poison to kill someone?
Prince Albert: no.
Franz: finally, something you don't know. *grins* Don't worry. I don't either. But we have a club. With uniforms. They say "Know Nothings" on the back.
Prince Eszterhazy: *sternly* behave. Now, you were saying the Ottoman ambassador finds this overwhelming?
Franz: kept repeating "all this for a woman" during our conversation. *looks around abbey* it is a bit much, I agree. And by that I mean... Terribly done. Badly dressed. Bad music. No doubt the food will be bad afterwards. Although they're English. Only part I'm looking forward to is when the guy on the horse rides in at dinner.
Prince Eszterhazy: they don't do that anymore
Franz: *pouts* they should.
Lots to be said for tradition. Doing things the
right way. Way they've
always been done.
Prince Albert: *half snorts with laughter*
Franz: *quietly* don't look now, but I think la petite was looking at you JUST a bit too long, Albert.
Prince Albert: great, now she's going to think-
Franz: Albert... If the whole world spent as much time
thinking as you do, we'd never get
anything done.
Prince Albert: you think.
Franz: I...
reflect. I
consider. I
muse.
You think.
Prince Albert: *huffily folds arms*
Franz: don't scowl. Otherwise she's going to think you're cross. Then you will lose to one of the others.
Prince Albert: I am not cross.
Franz: *ignoring him* now... I've found all the others. And may I just say that... Even with a fish hook through your cock you are far better. Don't know how la petite will feel about that, but... They always say, be the boy every girl's mother warned her against.
Prince Albert: who says that?
Franz: well, it's what they say about me. Sans fish hook. I just assumed they said it about all men. Now my feelings are hurt. *makes theatrical mope*
Prince Albert: *rolls eyes as someone female on his other side asks "is your friend alright" *
Franz: *keeping head down* *out of side mouth to Albert* is she pretty?
Prince Albert: who?
Franz: the one asking if I'm alright. *sits up* Really, did that fish hook screw with your brains? Or are you just picking out the names for you and la petite's children. Again.
Prince Albert: *opens mouth to protest*
Franz: I found the list you stuck away inside the translation of
Francesca de Rimini. Really? Your mom cheating on your dad wasn't bad enough that now you have to live it vicariously through Dante?
Prince Albert: you really are a dick, you know that? Every time I think you're a person, you pull something like this.
Franz: first, least my dick's fish hook free. Two, no girl wants to marry a guy who already has the names of their kids figured out when he hasn't even asked her to marry him yet. And three, reading Dante is bad for your health. Girls like em dumb.
Prince Albert: I wanted to show her I've got culture. Last time I was here she said she lik-
Franz: and by telling her that, you don't say "I'm a good listener" or "I have a brain of my own", you're demonstrating that you're a spaniel who can be kicked and treated as she likes.
Prince Albert: so where's the list. And my book?
Franz: *grins evilly* burned them both. Security reasons. Spies everywhere. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with Uncle Léopold or Doctor Stockmar for not sticking to the prescribed reading list. *looks down at the duke of Cumberland rendering homage**his son behind him* your chief competition.
Prince Albert: I know.
Franz: good news for you is he's blind and stupid. His half-sister told me.
Prince Albert: where?
Franz: pillow talk, Bertie. You know... What you do afterwards?
Prince Albert: I thought you stopped doing that.
Franz: uh no. You asked me to stop doing it. I never said I stopped doing it. See... Unlike you, I don't have a nice queen waiting for me to propose. Who needs me to be a virgin when we get married.
Prince Albert: *grimaces*
Franz: *points across aisle* there's competitor number two. He's not serious, but he's Russian. So you never know anything beyond don't trust the bastards.
Prince Albert: *shakes head*
Franz: next to him is Prince Nochin. She's already refused the Dutch boys, but they're nothing if not persistent. He's a sailor, so maybe he's got an anchor in his cock? *grins*
Prince Albert: he likes horses.
Franz: riding them or for other stuff? Because there's a lovely woman on the Wallnergasse in Vienna that charges by the hour for that.
Prince Albert: you are a deeply disturbed individual.
Franz: I try. Now, option four over there is Mr Country Bumpkin, Prince Christian of I don't care where. He's so broke that I had to loan him money for new shoes. And pay for his beer. And cigarettes. Not his fault, of course. But... When you grow up shooting fish in the castle toilet for dinner, that's bound to do odd things to your brains. Assuming of course he had them to start with. He's Danish cavalry, so I don't know if he's stupid or just insane. Either way, never trust a woman around a cavalry man I always say-
Prince Albert: you're a cavalry man, Franz.
Franz: exactly how I know what I'm talking about
*ceremony over* *everyone stands as queen leaves abbey* *she looks up into the gallery to find Albert* *smiles* *walks on*
Franz: she likes you.
Albert: she's just friendly.
Franz: because I always blush when my friends smile at me.
*later* *coronation ball*
Franz&Albert: *at the bar*
Franz: *dragging Albert to the edge of the floor* she's just finished dancing with *distastefully* that cretin, Wilhelm of Prussia. So, now's your chance. Her toes are probably so bruised, she couldn't run away even if she
wanted to.
Albert: she has a dance with the prince of Mecklenburg next.
Franz: *casually bumps Mecklenburg as they pass*
Mecklenburg: *falls forward* *face lands in the woman he was talking to's cleavage* *woman slaps him* *her husband is calling Mecklenburg out to a duel*
Franz: *grins* Mecklenburg'a bit busy at the moment *pushes Albert towards Victoria*
Man's voice: what are you up to, sir?
Franz: *innocently* me, nothing, Milord Wellington.
Wellington: *makes unconvinced grunt*
Franz: I saw you with Maréchal Davout earlier. You two seemed... Friendly.
Wellington: we go back a long way.
Franz: my mother told me as much.
Wellington: and who was your mother, sir?
Franz: just a a woman you met at the congress of Vienna. She always spoke very highly of your performance sir.
Wellington: *now looking very worried*
Franz: not like that, sir. Just of how you beat Napoléon and what a kind gentleman you are.
Wellington: gentleman is definitely not a word I suspect to hear in the same breath as Boney the Ogre.
Franz: I rather doubt anyone would describe M. Cromwell as a gentleman either.
Wellington: touché, Mr.?
Franz: Bonaparte. Franz Napoleon Bonaparte, Duke of Reichstadt and an esteemed admirer of your strategy, Milord.
Wellington: *keels over backwards in a faint*[2]
Franz: *innocently* was it something I said?
[1] OTL there is the urban legend that Queen Victoria's hubby is where the term "Prince Albert" comes from.
[2] Wellington was actually an attested hypochondriac OTL, so the idea of him in a faint at hearing his old enemy's son is standing in London isn't that weird. Hell, might even be enough to induce a heart attack
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