So, I was discussing the phenomenon of "Ideal World Maps" that was big a few years back with some people & I decided to make something of a parody on the concept.
It takes 1 part things I actually believe in scaled up to insane amounts I no longer support & 6 parts things I meme on scaled up to even greater insanity. I tried to subvert the tropes of these maps as well, which, since I don't like Britwanks, Ameriwanks, & Deutschwanks that pretend to be wholesome wasn't hard, but I also in a roundabout way followed many of the tropes intentionally. For example, the implicit genocide that was a staple of such maps is explicit here & is in one case reversed onto white Christians, namely Mormons (I guess one might see this as a monstrous and evil hyperexaggeration of me taking issue with a few things in the LDS creed). The map is, as should be obvious to any non-psychopath, not an ideal world. I might even say it's worse. This is also not meant to insult people who made such maps, rather to poke fun at trends, tropes, & a few unfortunately questionable maps that were posted. It is an experiment in implicit & explicit cursedness. This isn't in shitposts just because the map actually turned out not too bad for a Worlda.
If this post shouldn't be here or shouldn't be posted at all to begin with, I am happy to oblige, though, again, I DO NOT ACTUALLY ENDORSE THE VAST MAJORITY OF THIS MAP, LIKE LITERALLY I ENDORSE THE PROTECTION OF THE AMAZON RAINFOREST, MAKING FUN OF AUSTRALIANS, AND PAN SLAVISM, NOT ALL THE OTHER MADNESS AND EVEN THE STUFF I SUPPORT IS MOSTLY WARPED THROUGH EXAGGERATION. It is a parody. Without further ado, get ready to cry:
Americas:
- The US has been partitioned between Canada and Mexico. Canada is a republic, overall quite inclusive & democratic, healthcare & shit. Mexico is a growing economic powerhouse. The Free States of the South are a majority-black democratic republic. Black people are present and welcome throughout the Americas, but if they want a state by black people and unofficially for black people, they can move here. Owning a confederate flag is punishable by spanking with a willow frond. The Mormon extermination zone is going well.
- The Zapatistas finally broke away - Haiti got big & also ate almost all European possessions in the Caribbean
- Guyana & Trinidad-Tobago are one
- Beeg Colombia, Venezuela, & Bolivia, the classic Argentina gets Uruguay & Las Malvinas (go away anglo)
- French Guyana is free as the Republic of Amazonia
- The Amazon is a UN international park that somehow actually functions.
- Hawaii & Oklahoma are independent states in free association with Mexico. To continue living the American lifestyle, go to Virginia, the rump/puppet Canada keeps around
Europe:
- The Vatican is gone
- Bit more Poldering by the Dutch
- Germany has been deleted. So have Austria & Belgium. France ends at the Rhine, Bayern got thicc, Sorbia is free, Poland can into west, the Danes & Dutch also got a bit. What's left is a UN occupation zone whose governing council must consist of one Jew, on Slav, & one Romani along with 2 others.
- Big autonomy in Spain
- Slovakia gets Carpathian Ruthenia, Poland wank Poland wank. The Slavs, Balts & Romanians coalesce into a EU-style union, the Russians are kept out to avoid them dominating. What's left of Ukraine after the Russo-Polish partition is a Slavic Union occupation zone as punishment for being cringe. Yugoslavia is back & bigger. Serbia looks oddly different this time... hmmmmm. Also that's not Croatia, it's Slovenia.
- United Ireland, you can't take away Scotland's FREEDOOOOOOOOOM, England is occupied by various former colonies to extract reparations. All living members of the royal family are enslaved, the next generation will be freed though
Asia:
- The Saudis lose land to Yemen, Oman, & a restored Hejaz under the Jordanian Hashemites
- Kurdish autonomy in Syria
- Israel & Palestine 1 state 2 nations federal solution
- Armenia gets Karabakh
- Persia gets big. Why? Iran has cool history & I like. Unfortunately for Shahaboos, it's still an Islamic republic, but the authoritarianism has mellowed out substantially
- Free Karakalpakstan
- United India, but Muslim autonomy is respected
- Bhutan wank
- Federalized China
- United Korea. The DPRK is actually Democratic by the magic power of wholesomechungusization
- That's Laos, not Thailand
- Weebland loses the Ryukyus
- Big Pilipinas, also Brunei is eaten, Sarawak gets its own subnational monarchy in the Malaysian rotary system. Free Timor, united Papua
- Champa gets autonomy! The Cham aren't gone!
- North Sentinel Island stands as a shining light of primitivism in a world of technological advancement. They don't need your fancy tech & nominal Indian sovereignty
Greater & lesser Zealandia:
- The Waititi Kingdom of Aotearoa reigns supreme! One specific town in the former Australia has been destroyed by flooding. The Australians are happy to live under their wholesome chungus Maori overlords.
Africa:
- The Libyan Jamhiriya is restored under the leadership of the Libyan-Yugoslav band Jamhiriya. Gadaffism spreads out, but not too far
- Long Egypt
- The Green Sahara project is going well in the refloration area. Expanding Lake Chad has also been a great succes
- Western Sahara is free
- Chad is partitioned by Libya & the Central African Republic as punishment for supporting Kosovo
- Most of Sub-Saharan Africa has changed little beyond the occasional regional supranational union & the arbitrary unification of the Congos "lmao similar name also I'm tired of seeing the DRC partitioned", in keeping with the "if I don't know the region, I won't change it much just to be safe" trope in such maps
Broader:
- Island colonies & small overseas territories are either given independence or attached to a nearby former colony of the same power if they're largely uninhabited
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