Chapter One Thousand Six Hundred Fifty-Four
5th September 1964
Jena
When Ben and Kiki came downstairs for breakfast separately Vicky laughed inwardly until she remembered some of the things that Ria had said the week before. Just who did they think they were fooling anyway? While they had been somewhat discrete this time, Vicky’s room shared a wall with her sister’s. She had still heard plenty late the night before and this morning, even if it was a stifled moan and creak of bedsprings. It was also plain to see that the bed in the guest room hadn’t been slept in.
The whole scene was amusing. Things like Kiki asking Ben how he had slept, as if she didn’t already know. Or them talking about the weather or current events as opposed to what they might be talking about if Vicky wasn’t there . That was however when the intrusive thought in Ria’s voice entered Vicky’s mind.
“Everyone knows you are naïve” Ria had said, “That is why they avoid talking about certain subjects around you. The worst part is that because you don’t know who you can trust outside of your closest family that is exactly how things will stay.”
Ria had been correct about that. She also had been a complete hypocrite as well, though almost entirely by accident and for lack of opportunity. Even still, Vicky was acutely aware of how things were so much easier for people like her twin. Ria would be able to live every aspect of her life openly with the full approval of society, while it seemed like she would be consigned to the shadows.
But beyond all of that, Ria simply did not matter when it came to Vicky’s personal life. Even if it hardly existed. What was most disappointing at this very moment was how Kiki was behaving. In the past, no matter how bad the situation was, Kiki always seemed to have an innate understanding that she would get though it. She was always able to convince those around her, including Vicky at times, of that. Now though, everything had changed. Kiki said she was getting better, especially since she had gotten back from the holiday she had spent in the mountains. Vicky had seen that there had been a major change in Kiki though.
At times, Kiki just seemed to give up.
There was no other way to describe it. The way that Kiki seemed to be so hopeless, just going through the motions of her life as she tried to start the University’s fall term. It was obvious that she was struggling to muster the same sort of passion that she used to feel for the subject she was studying. Something that she had worked towards for years.
When Ben had arrived in Jena the evening before Kiki had briefly seemed to be her old self. This morning though, Kiki had fallen right back the habits that she had acquired over the prior months whether Ben was there or not. At the moment Vicky was watching her picking at her food as she tried to hide her despondency from Ben who seemed a bit oblivious to what was going on. Something had to be done and because the housekeeper had the weekends off, Vicky didn’t have to worry about the walls having ears.
“You don’t need to hide from me what you were doing last night” Vicky blurted out, “I’m not stupid.”
“Vicky!” Kiki yelled, “That is not any of your concern.”
“You told me last year that I didn’t need to hide who I was when I am with you” Vicky said, “That goes both ways.”
“That is completely different” Kiki replied.
“She does have a point” Ben said only to have Kiki glare at him.
“You don’t know what she is talking about” Kiki said to Ben.
“It is in reference to me being a lesbian” Vicky said to Ben, “This is all about our preferences of who we like to have sex with, right? Kiki likes doing it with you and that I am not attracted to men. Does that help the conversation?”
Ben just stared at Vicky with his jaw dropped, clearly surprised by what she had just said. Kiki was pinching the bridge of her nose as if she felt a headache coming on. “Dear God” Kiki muttered.
“Someone around here has to have some courage now that you have given up” Vicky said.
“I’ve not given up” Kiki said sharply.
“Yes, you have” Vicky replied, “You muddle through your classes, come home, take Rauchbier out for a bit and then you shut down for the rest of the day.”
“Is that true?” Ben asked.
“And you hardly pay enough attention when you are here to notice” Vicky said to Ben.
Both Ben and Kiki looked embarrassed by what had just happened.
Good, Vicky thought to herself.
“Are you really a lesbian?” Ben asked mildly.
“Yes” Vicky said, “So much for me being as virtuous as everyone thought, Ria laughed herself silly when she figured it out.”
“Can we please talk about something else” Kiki said, “Anything else.”
“No” Both Ben and Vicky said in unison.
“While it is long past the time that we needed to hash all this out” Ben said, “Are you really spending your days how Vicky described.”
Kiki hesitated for a few seconds before asking, “What is it to you?” defensively.
“Everything” Ben replied, “I’ve seen how hard you have worked over the last seven years to get where you are. I’m not going to watch you give up.”
“I am not giving up” Kiki said flatly.
“Then what do you call it then?” Vicky asked.
“Things…” Kiki replied, before taking a long pause as she tried to collect her thoughts. “Have just become difficult because of my head, that’s all.”
“Have you asked for help?” Ben asked, “Even if you only take the recourses that the University offers you, that might make things a lot easier.”
A few years earlier, Vicky had quietly approached Piers Sjostedt because she was curious about what interest her decidedly Agnostic sister had in the Lutheran Pastor. He had explained that it was all about his peace campaigning and that he was joyful to have people like Ria involved with his movement. Vicky had asked him why and he had told her a somewhat humorous story about floodwaters rising and a stubborn man who refused aid from his neighbors who were evacuating because “God will provide” according to him. Over the following hours he declines aid from a rowboat and a helicopter that happened along as the waters threatened to wash his home away. Eventually he drowns in the flood. When the stubborn man arrives at the Pearly Gates, he asks Saint Peter why God didn’t provide. Peter looks at him and says, “God provided you with good neighbors, a rowboat and helicopter.”
It was obvious that Pastor Sjostedt was suggesting that he would take all the help he could get without question. Today, the same story applied to Kiki and getting her to recognize the help that was being offered to her.
