Sinner's Damnation of Satanistan General Election, 2000
With the economic slump of 1998 still hurting many Satantistani voters in the forms of new taxes and regulations put in place by the administration of Rodgers, albeit with heated refusal from both the Cannibal and Military Satanists as a way to pull the economy from the pits of despair, the 2000 election screamed to be the defining moment of the Civilian-Satanist cabinet and government, a government which had been in power since 1992. The incumbent administration had seen it's support slowly plateau and gradually dwindle down, save for a spike in help during the 1996 General election. There was the hope in the air for the hell ship to alter course, throw in a new political administration and cabinet in it's place.
That hope came from the two opposition party members named Douglas "Dr.Evil" Powers and Joseph Norman of the Cannibal Satanist and Military Satanist parties respectively. Within a week of it turning to the new millennium, attack ads were aired in districts thought to have incumbent Civilian Satanist Dark Lords that might be vulnerable in the coming election.
Because of the three party system that Satanistan operated from, there were chances for either coalition governments or one party rule from a majority of seats being bribed. As the political parties raised their respective war chests for the long campaign ahead,the Civilian Satanists scrambled to defend whatever seats they could bother with while also cutting their losses on seats which were seen as lost causes, such as Ohio-8 under incumbent Dark Lord Bob Ross. The Main issues were on solutions to the economic slump which had occurred, the costly Sand War (in terms of lives and financial resources) and the embezzling scandals which had occurred under the Rodgers Chancellorship.
Memorable Lines during the 18th Debate
Dr Evil:
"My opponent knows several things about the financial cost of out latest military excursion. What he neglected to tell you was that we were deliberately attempting to lose just so we could have the war get dragged out longer!"
Harold Rodgers:
" I can firmly say and rebut my opponent's falsified claims of prolonging certain military engagements with the Brooklyn Dodgers in baseball games and whenever they picked up fire arms and shot at us throughout the days of the conflict. Those skirmishes, while important to our overall victory-"
Dr Evil:
"What Victory? If my party manages to gain the needed seats in the House of the Dark Lords, I shall push for an immediate investigation into such matters and also fund a side project of sharks with fricken laser beams on their heads! Oh, and I may or may not clone myself into a smaller version, maybe call it lil evil, or wittle villian, the names still a work in progress!"
~
Joseph Norman:
"The Armed forces were involved in these grand crusades, and our budgets are scrapping the bottom of our barrels, the short straws, whatever metaphors are needed to display my outrage at the situation on the ground!"
Dr. Evil:
"Why don't we ask someone who was actually there? I have on my second line former Dark Lord-Chancellor Daffy Duck, who can correct the inaccuracies which my opponent is starting up."
Daffy Duck:
"It wasn't that bad when I took part in the Sand Wars, but it was a hell of a lot worse in the wars of Eternal Damnation! I revile Norman's falsified statements just for political points! Of course, I was full of shit when I was a politician, eh? Now I need to strain my peas for consumption."
In the end, despite massive spending by all three sides, with an estimated 400 billion HellMarks (HMk) being misplaced, spent or stolen by corrupt politicians, the voters in Satanistan ultimately held the largest sway over money, politics and power, with a firm disapproval of the incumbent administration. On December 24th,2000, voters went to the polls and kicked out four hundred Civilian Satanist Dark Lords from the House, replacing them with the other two political parties. The election was another test in the stability of the semi-democratic system which had been in place since the mid 1900's. Within 24 hours, negotiations between all three parties resulted in the election of Dr Evil as Dark Lord-Chancellor upon the resignation of Harold Rodgers.
The Chancellorship of Harold Rodgers began on December 25th,1992 with the resignation of former Dark Lord-Chancellor Hawkeye. There was much anxiety and anticipation about his presumed rule as Dark Lord-Chancellor, as the previous administration had managed to win 6 total elections and still remain a lingering influence until the 1992 election.
Initially running on a platform of "No Salute", referring to a promise of repealing the policy put in place by the Daffy Chancellorship, Rodgers branched out to promise a multitude of things on the campaign trail, such as low taxes, economic opportunities and a staunch anti lawn mower stance, promising to ban the immigration of lawn mowers, stating that they drew in dust bunnies which would put a burden on the antiquated state welfare system which Satanistan operated with.
Rodgers fears of establishing a coalition government were put to the back burner, as he immediately dealt with a hostage crisis by radical satanic cult members of Lion's Gate. He would utilize a soft spoken negotiating tactic, negotiating by himself to the cult members, who threatened to execute all 47 hostages if they were not given twenty train cars of soda and pop rocks.
After building a fire and inviting the leader of the hostages to a fancy five star restaurant,where negotiations began to stall. Remaining clam, he agreed to an altered demand of just two train cars and a third for their safe passage to a destination of Rodger's choice. He would choose the destination to be the Kingdom of Malay, where there was a warrant out for the cult member's arrests.
Heralded by both sides of the political aisle for his masterful negotiating tactics, a skill that would make even the legendary ambassador to the Romanov Family, Jean Luc Pointdexter, blush.
One of his more controversial decisions during his administration would be the planned implementation of a Gnome Tax. After not only noticing the large amounts of corruption within the government within his first few weeks on the job but also the excessive purchases in gnomes that one Dark Lord for North Colorado,Harry Potter, had been undertaking, Rodgers organized an investigative committee into the number of Gnomes each resident had, which totaled an average of 41.5 per household. He then saw an opportunity for the economy of Satanistan to rake in more funds by implementing a tax per Gnome. This original bill was a call back to the Chancellorship of Austin Powers before the 1964 election,in which each Gnome was taxed at 1/2 of the original price the owner paid for it in a monthly tax. He modified the tax to have a lesser impact of 1/4 the original price, but that was doubled for each Gnome the person owned. After it was passed by the House of the Dark Lords in 1993,the 1994 Fiscal year saw an increase of 213 billion HmKs in revenue collected. There also was vehement opposition from the Cannibal and Military Satanist opposition parties, who would actively boycott and attempt to block many legislative laws that Rodgers and the Civilian Satanists wanted to get through the House of the Dark Lords.
Another point of controversy for the Rodger's cabinet was the bloody ethnic cleansing occurring against the Iraqi people by Supreme Leader Elizabeth. A Coalition of troops was established, with the threat of invasion given to Elizabeth unless she would cease the ethnic cleansing and abdicate power. She responded by declaring she had
"The most horrific weapons known to man and dog, and I give an utmost promise of their use by my forces if we are invaded by infidels." On January 23rd,1993, military force was authorized by the House of the Dark Lords and a declaration of war was passed 520 to 146.
Two days later, the first troops began to skirmish with the Iraqi military, with many battles being won against the Iraqi forces.
By February 18th, 1993, The Kingdom of Sand agreed to intervene on behalf of Elizabeth,expanding the conflict with the addition of Sand into the war. Bombing raids on Baghdad began against Elizabeth's numerous personal residences all over Iraq, which also struck her chemical weapons facilities, but not before two were launched and then shot down over Jordan and the Dead Sea respectively.
Airstrikes were announced on the 19th on the Kingdom of Sand,hitting several Sand military formations, infrastructure targets and areas of financial importance, such as banks and oil derricks. From January 20th to the 27th, a military drive managed to capture Baghdad. While it would be another two weeks before Supreme Leader Elizabeth would be arrested and executed via firing squad, the question turned to an occupation.
The Military Satanists decried a possible option for the immediate pull back and pushed for the installation of long time rebel fighter Saddam Hussein as a military dictator in Iraq. The Cannibal Satanists wanted to establish an eleven member Committee of Cannibalism in Iraq, or CCI to rule the nation. The Civilian Satanists pressured Dark Lord-Chancellor Rodgers to back the proposal of the Military Satanists, hoping it would backfire on them in the upcoming 1996 election. Rodgers was convinced of this proposal, and on July 4th,1993, after discussions with the ruling military governor, all political authority and national sovereignty was passed onto the Husseinite Republic of Iraq, ruled by Supreme Leader Saddam Hussein.
While not being in the military, Hawkeye would be frequently caught in a military uniform during his bloody reign as Dark Lord-Chancellor. While the death toll from his heavy handed power numbered in the millions, the recent depictions of Hawkeye, on the show called M*A*S*H, a political docudrama about the Dark Lord for M*A*S*H-1 during his forty plus years of public service as a politician have been more soft spoken about his roles in several genocides, often omitting them entirely.
Emerging from the weak leadership of Austin Powers and outright gaining the backing of the military for a coup, he decided against launching the coup and instead defeated Powers in the 1964 elections before moving in the military to key political positions as thanks for their support.
He promised a brutal and tyrannical rule, which often resulted in several tragedies to incur under his rule. During a visit to the DMZ in Korea, he was nearly shot at with artillery, and so in retaliation and with the assistance of Dark Lord Goldwater, he proceeded to nuke everything north of the DMZ, leaving an irradiated wasteland with millions of deaths. He also would have to deal with several failed coups from former MASH members that wanted top political positions that he had to refuse from.The harsh repercussions from these coups and the establishment of the Hawk-Eye secret police instilled terror in the people of Satanistan, with large purging of the cannibal faction of the Military Satanist party, who would eventually break off and form an illegal party, which was forced underground during his more lucid episodes, such as when he ordered the atomic bombing of
SpringfieldWestValleyDaleistania because of the funny name. After several close calls and a string of bad health, Hawkeye would be hooked up to a medical machine, which he warned his opponents falsely controlled the weapons of mass destruction, and upon his death, they would target the nearest countries. However, he seemed to be alright with leaving office on both occasions when he was kicked out from the Chancellorship and as a Member of the House of Dark Lords following the 1996 election.
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The Duck turned Dark Lord-Chancellor had an unlikely rise to power. He had been a freshman Dark Lord for Looney Toons-3rd district, only just being established within the last 25 years and represented since it's founding by the corrupt and anatidaephobic Porky Pig, who frequently debated with the future Dark Lord-Chancellor on the issue of it being either rabbit season or duck season. He called out his opponent for not being corrupt enough, and announced on the local radio station that he never paid his taxes since the year 1920, when he was just ten years old. He was saved from any major political fallout from the stunt on the fact that he was the only one with a working radio in Looney Toons and the fact that he never listened to his
own radio, preferring a newspaper. He then promptly bribed the Mayoral administrations of Tom the cat and Jerry the mouse (1930-1931 and 1931-1932 respectively) to ban newspapers. In 1932, he was twenty two years old and eligible to be a Dark Lord, which he ran in an uncontested election, winning with 100% of votes. Granted, he was the only one who voted, but that's democracy for you. ( He would go on to win 15 more times with 100% of the vote, and his last time with 51.1% of the vote in his only tight race with a Tasmanian devil as the opposition candidate.)
He also had an issue in his first time as a Dark Lord, while being off fighting in the 1st War of Eternal Damnation agaisnt the French Empire under King Pepé Le Pew I, he also was still a member of the House of the Dark Lords, as it was uncommon for an active combat zone military official to also still retain his position as a politician, it was the noble thing for an active politician to resign and to serve his country until the end of the conflict. He broke this tradition by still answering phone calls from constituents, mailing in his votes to sessions of the House of the Dark Lords, and even beating his imaginary friend Dumbo in the 1932 election by a margin of 567 to 102 all while fighting in the battle of Champagne (January 15th, 1932-December 2nd, 1932)
While he had learned from small mistakes he made in the combat zone, such as accidentally getting captured by french soldiers in an attempt to meet the opposition at a fundraising event, he would be celebrated for his unconventional way of campaigning,and be one of the most popular politicians in all of Satanistan.
The Dark Lord-Chancellorship of Daffy Duck commenced on December 25th,1936, after the resignation of Bugs Bunny, the former holder of the office.
His Administration would see him enlist as a general in the Army of Hell, actively being engaged in the North African Campaign against a resurgent and furious King Pepé Le Pew, who had reformed the French Empire with the assistance of Muriel and Eustace Bagges of the Kingdom of Scotland. After several furious engagements with the opposing forces, the combined French and Scottish forces fell back, pursued from North Africa towards the mainland of France, where King Le Pew refused to surrender and defeated operation after operation launched agaisnt him regarding a landing on the island of Corsica. In mid 1943, General Daffy moved an army instead from Corsica to Normandy, where the french were caught off guard and fell back to Paris, where General Bagges began to loot Paris for all it's worth, including using a massive magnet to attempt to steal the Eiffel Tower, which failed, only destroying the national monument. Shocked by the destruction of the city of love, King Le Pew surrendered. General Duck then maneuvered the army to the small beachhead available on England and forced the destruction of King Bagge's main army, forcing Muriel to surrender after a two year long guerrilla campaign in 1945.
With the conclusion of the war, Daffy Duck was celebrated as a national hero for his propagandist accomplishments during the war, and was easily re-elected in 1948 with 100% of the vote.
He then got to work singing several large aid bills to the defeated french in an attempt to boost them up, along with granting a full pardon to Muriel, who continued to rule Scotland until her assassination by a cowardly dog named courage in 1971.
He would then involve the nation in a massive nuclear arms buildup for the rest of his years, relying heavily on the advice of Dark Lord for Arizona-1 Barry Goldwater, eventually naming several cacti species after him and allowing him to meet Marvin the Martian as his last wish before his death in 1997.
One of his more infamous attempts during his Dark Lord-Chancellorship was the 1947 infamous buttered toast debacle in Yougoslowia, over arguments if toast would be served butter side up or down. While initially agreeing to act as an international arbiter on behalf of the Sinner's Damnation of Satanistan, he eventually gave in to greed and robbed the nation of all it's butter before forcing them at gunpoint to an annexation. The resulting economic cold that the remaining nations because of the shortage of butter forced several imitations to flood the marketplace, ultimately raising an entire generation of children on imitation butter and margarine, not knowing the real McCoy that was butter because of his actions.
In an interview with Duck shortly before his death in 2002, he said this regarding his time in the office:
"It was the best and worst time of my life. Sure I'm sure Buggs had it hard on occasion, hell I know I got difficult situations almost frequently, I would spend long nights looking out on the beach, wondering if I was going to die. I would calm down about my inevitable doom, then I knew that god had it out for me for my sins, but it appeared he was taking his time. It was a sign from him, you know? It had all the bells and whistles of supernatural occurrences, so I just rolled with it. That's why I did what I did from 1940 onward, getting us involved in that long war, and that other war, and that other war, and that other war. It was all part of my sign. Either that or I was insane. I'm not going to admit to a test."