I wrote this up all the way back in October, but then forgot about it due to schoolwork:
Best-case (but sort-of-silly, and not-really-that-serious) scenario for Trump, Johnson, Stein, and McMullin without throwing the election to the House and still allowing a narrow Clinton win:
In June 2016, Donald Trump finally responded to Mitt Romney’s repeated attacks on him throughout March and April by personally attacking Mitt; Trump insulted Mitt’s “corrupt” and “shameful” business connections, his “terrible job as Governor,” his “backwards way of thinking,” his “real ugly-lookin’ kids,” and his “oddly-shaped head.” This was enough for Romney to endorse the Johnson/Weld ticket in July. Despite this, Johnson was excluded from the debates, as he only reached a 14.1% average by September 15. This was followed by numerous gaffes that Johnson made in several interviews in late September and much of October, which negatively affected him in the polls. Nevertheless, Johnson heavily campaigned across the West during the final weeks and days of the election, often visiting several towns per day on only 5 to 6 hours of sleep.
Meanwhile, Evan McMullin announced his candidacy in early August, claiming to be “the true conservative alternative to Donald Trump.” Trump’s subsequent mockery of the McMullin candidacy led to Trump mocking the Mormon Church for not supporting his candidacy live on TV. This prompted the Huntsman family, Utah Governor Gary Herbert, and several Mormon politicians to endorse Evan McMullin over Trump or Gary Johnson.
However, the liberals/Democrats were not united behind a single candidate either. In June, Ben and Jerry’s founders viewed Bernie’s sudden support for Hillary Clinton as a betrayal of the progressive movement. Scorned by the fact that they made an ice-cream flavor for him, and were arrested twice over pro-Bernie activities, Ben and Jerry decided to support the Stein/Baraka ticket after hearing them speak at a rally in Burlington. This convinced Stein to open several campaign offices in Vermont, hoping to flip the state the same way McMullin was trying to in Utah. In October, polls showed her candidacy in the state rising to an 11% average, causing Senator Bernie Sanders to campaign for Clinton in Vermont, as the state was suddenly back in the political spotlight.
Election night proved to be rather interesting…
VOTER APATHY AND YOU: THE 2016 ELECTION
CNN broadcast, 6:30 PM:
Alright, the first state of the night is being called. South Carolina has been won by Donald Trump. The states of Virginia, and Vermont are expected to announce their results very soon.
MSNBC broadcast, 7:00 PM:
Okay, the polls have officially closed in the states of Vermont, Kentucky, Indiana, Virginia, South Carolina and Georgia. South Carolina already went to Trump, and Virginia was called in favor of Secretary Clinton a few minutes ago. While Georgia and Indiana are swing states and are expected to take a while to declare a winner, the vote is still in the air in Vermont, where there are, surprisingly, a large number of Jill Stein votes coming in…
Stein/Baraka campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 7:25 PM:
Stein: Oh my God. Ajamu! Ajamu, get out here!
Baraka (hastily exiting restroom, adjusting pants): What? What happened?
Stein: Vermont. It went for us!
Baraka: (pause) You’re kidding.
Stein: No, look! (raising volume on TV)
TV Announcer: Again, Jill Stein of the Green Party has won the state of Vermont. We have the results up, and Stein has won an incredible narrow victory, winning only 35.1% of the vote…
Baraka: 35.1%?
Stein: Just around 90,000 votes; Hillary got 34%, Trump got 25% or something like that, Bernie won about 3% or so in write-ins, and Johnson and others split the rest! I guess those Ben & Jerry endorsements really did the trick!
Baraka: And the voter apathy, the increase in college student turnout and our visits to all those local campuses, and, really, all the campaign trips we took up there towards the end…
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 7:27 PM:
Intern: It doesn’t look like they’ll be doing a recount in Vermont, Madam Secretary. The media seems to be blaming it on the low voter turnout and the disenfranchised Bernie Bros voting for Stein out of protest.
Hillary: But… it’s just impossible! Vermont was one of our safest states!
Bill: Well, this whole election has been crazy and unexpected since it got started. Why would it stop being so on election night?
Hillary: Please shut it, Bill, you’re not helping.
Bill: Okay.
CNN broadcast, 7:30 PM:
And the polls have just closed in Ohio, West Virginia and North Carolina. Of course, North Carolina and Ohio are vital swing states and neither states have gone to a candidate, but, for those just tuning in, about ten minutes ago, West Virginia went to Trump…
FOX broadcast, 8:15 PM:
Right now, Trump is on a winning streak – so far the states of West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi have gone to the Republican nominee. We’re still waiting on the results of many more states, but it looks like Trump might also be able to win over the Democratic states of New Hampshire and Connecticut.
Trump/Pence campaign headquarters, Manhattan, NYC, 8:42 PM:
Trump (looking at phone): I just won New Hampshire and Connecticut. By God. I could actually win this thing!
NBC broadcast, 8:50 PM:
And we have just received word and, um, confirmation that the state of Maine has been called in favor of Hillary Clinton, with Doctor Jill Stein of the Green Party coming in second place there. Tonight seems to have been a very good night for the Green party ticket...
Stein/Baraka campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 8:53 PM:
[Loud party music inside the premises, including The Black-Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling,” can be heard from outside; colorful neon lights inside can be seen from outside as well.]
Stein (allegedly): Yeah! Take that, establishment! Whoo!
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 8:55 PM:
Hillary: Another plurality? Goddamn it!
CNN broadcast, 9:07 PM:
Well, with the polls closing several minutes ago in 15 states, several more have been declared for Donald Trump. He’s won Louisiana, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, we can now verify he won Arkansas by about 54%, Missouri by about 52%, and early results are showing he might win Texas as well, but by a much narrower than expected margin. As of right now, several states, including Florida, North Carolina and Iowa, are still way too close to call. On the Democratic side, Clinton has won New York, Minnesota and Michigan, and will likely win Wisconsin…
CBS broadcast, 9:18 PM:
BREAKING NEWS: UPSET RESULTS! WISCONSIN, IOWA, NORTH CAROLINA ALL GO TO TRUMP
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 9:18 PM:
Hillary: No! No, no, no, no!
Trump/Pence campaign headquarters, Manhattan, NYC, 9:18 PM:
Trump: Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Johnson/Weld campaign headquarters, Salt Lake City, Utah, 9:27 PM:
Johnson: (ecstatic) Oh, thank God…
TV Announcer: Again, for those of you just tuning in, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has won his home state of New Mexico. The state was in a narrow three-way tie going in the hours before the polls closed, and, uh, well it looks like Gary Johnson has just won that tie.
Johnson: Yes! (putting arms up) We did it, Bill, we did it!
Weld: (apathetic) Yeah.
Johnson: Come on, Bill, we’ve won electoral votes! We’ve done it!
Weld: But Gary, Hillary’s losing in all of those other states and she came in second place here. What if she…
Johnson: Will you please stop talking about how great Hillary is? You know you’re not helping when you do that.
Weld: Sorry… but she is a strong leader.
Johnson: I know she is, Bill. But… (turning to face room, shouts) Hillary’s not a strong leader IN NEW MEXICO!
[cheers and whoops from room, Weld can be heard moaning with anxiety]
NBC broadcast, 9:35 PM:
Anchor: And Colorado has been won by Hillary Clinton by yet another plurality… Uh, we’ll be covering that, uh, in the minutes and hours ahead but right now we take you live to Xenia, Ohio…
Reporter: …Here in Ohio the polls have been closed for two hours, but like many a time before, the final results are still not certain. The crucial battleground state has sometimes not announced the final results until early the next morning, and based on how close it is, this could very well be the case this time around as well…
Reporter: Thank you… Meanwhile, breaking news out of Hawaii – Hillary Clinton has won it. (pause) Moving on to Arizona…
FOX broadcast, 10:03 PM:
The polls may have just closed in Montana, but they’ve already called the state in favor of Donald Trump... Meanwhile, Florida, Nevada, Utah and Arizona are still unable to be called just yet, while the DNC chairman for the state of New Mexico has already called for a recount of New Mexico’s results. New Mexico was won about half an hour ago by third-party candidate Gary Johnson by about 3% or 4% of the vote there…
McMullin/Finn campaign headquarters, Salt Lake City, Utah, 10:40 PM:
McMullin: Come on, come on…
McMullin’s Camera-Shy Girlfriend: Don’t worry, honey.
McMullin: I’m not worried, sweetie. I’m impatient.
McMullin’s Camera-Shy Girlfriend: Then be patient, Evan.
McMullin: But I can’t. Tonight’s been a miracle for third-parties and hell for Clinton and Trump. I just know that that good fortune is going to blow our way. I can just feel it.
Finn: Well it’s not just a feeling, Evan, it’s also a likely outcome. We drove all over this state in the final days. We were even endorsed by Governor Herbert. There is very little chance in my mind that we won’t win this state and –.
McMullin’s Camera-Shy Girlfriend: Shhhhhh! Breaking News, turn up the volume.
McMullin: (seeing headline: “Utah results”): This is it!
Announcer: And the Deseret state is being called in favor of third-party candidate Evan McMullin! The independent candidate received almost 490,000 votes, or about 45% of the total vote…
[room erupts in cheers]
McMullin: Yes! (turns, hugs girlfriend)
Finn: (proudly) You’ve made history here tonight, Evan.
McMullin: We all have, Mindy, (to supporters) we all have!
Finn (to McMullin’s girlfriend): (question) I wonder… when should he announce his run for that US Senate seat in 2018?
McMullin’s Camera-Shy Girlfriend: Mindy, honey, he already did.
MSNBC broadcast, 11:00 PM:
Okay, we are coming down to the wire here. So now the polls are officially closed in the states of California, Oregon, Idaho, and Washington. California and Washington have already been called for Hillary Clinton a few minutes ago, she won both by wide margins, but Arizona and Idaho are still too close to call…
NBC broadcast, 11:09 PM:
…And we have just received word that – oh, wow – Gary Johnson has just been declared the winner of the state of Nevada by a fraction of a margin. The results are shocking to say the least, but, uh, well, it seems that Libertarian surrogate Penn Jillette has just pulled another trick out of his magician hat, and boy is this one a doozy! The, um, we will have some specifics up soon…
Johnson/Weld campaign headquarters, Salt Lake City, Utah, 11:26 PM:
Johnson: (ecstatic) Wow! A second state? That puts us ahead of McMullin – Yes, that means we’re back in third place! Oh, man, this is so unbelievable!
Weld: (opens up aspirin bottle) Yeah, (gulps down pill) tell me about it.
CNN broadcast, 11:30 PM:
Another upset! In a night full of highly competitive and closely watched state election results, Clinton has lost another battleground state. This one: Arizona. The winner: Donald Trump. The state was heavily fought for, but we have received word that Trump has been declared the winner by what they are calling “an incredibly narrow margin.” They have not said whether any third-party candidates have affected the results or not…
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 11:31 PM:
Hillary: Jamie?
Jamie the Intern: Yes?
Hillary: The rum.
Jamie the Intern: Yes (pours a shot).
CBS broadcast, 1:06 AM:
Alright, coming down to the last few states left remaining and the election is still undecided, but still winnable by either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. And – wait a second… and we’re just receiving word that Alaska has been called for… Libertarian Gary Johnson! That is Johnson’s third state win, more than any other third-party candidate. The polls in Alaska don’t close until one in the morning, that’s one in the morning on the, uh, the east coast, uh, but the precinct report give a large Johnson win of about 40% of the vote, with Trump coming in a close second with about 30% and Secretary Clinton in third at about 25%, with the remaining 5% or so going for Jill Stein and other candidates. And as you can see by the map, only four states, including Florida and Ohio, are yet to be declared. Both Florida and Ohio are considered tossup states but Hillary Clinton is maintaining a very tiny poll lead in both states...
CNN broadcast, 1:13 AM (EST):
BREAING NEWS: FLORIDA GOES BLUE, OHIO RESULTS IMMINENT!
…And Ohio, one of the many narrow states of the night, is finally announcing the election results. If Donald Trump or a third-party candidate wins it, the election will be thrown to the House of Representatives, but if Clinton wins it, then she will have won the election with just 271 electoral votes, just barely over 270 electoral vote threshold. ...And here are the results now...
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 1:13 AM (EST):
Hillary: Oh please, please!
Johnson/Weld campaign headquarters, Salt Lake City, Utah, 1:13 AM (EST):
Johnson: Come on, Ohio, please deadlock this thing!
Weld: (quietly praying) Come on, please just let Hillary win this thing, come on, come on…
Trump/Pence campaign headquarters, Manhattan, NYC, 1:13 PM (EST):
Pence: Yes, yes?
Trump: Out with it already, you damn loser reporter woman!
McMullin/Finn campaign headquarters, Salt Lake City, Utah, 1:13 PM (EST):
[McMullin’s Camera-Shy Girlfriend and McMullin dancing together to soft country music in private quarters]
Stein/Baraka campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 1:13 PM (EST):
[Party music still continuing, white smoke emitting from some windows; noise ordinance violation notice already posted to door]
Baraka: We should really… really should start getting ready to… do that, uh, concession speech thing, y’know? The thing…
Stein: Oh, yeah, yeah… Just a few more minutes?
Baraka: …Alright.
Stein: Whoo!
CNN broadcast, 1:14 AM (EST):
...And the winner of Ohio, and the Presidential election, is…
Trump/Pence campaign headquarters, Manhattan, NYC, 1:14 PM (EST):
Trump: Come on, baby! Papa needs a new office! I already have painters on stand-by waiting to make the White House a Gold House!
Staffer: Really?
Trump: Yeah, I got the idea from The Daily Show. Also, make a note – “Get the Daily Show cancelled.” They have some good ideas, but not enough of them. Sad.
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 1:14 PM (EST):
Bill: Honey, you’re crushing my hand. I appreciate the nostalgia of when you gave birth to Chelsea, but you’re really hurting –
CNN broadcast, 1:14 AM (EST):
Hillary Clinton, which means the election is finally over! Hillary Clinton has done it! She has won the election and –
Clinton/Kaine campaign headquarters, Brooklyn, NYC, 1:14 AM (EST):
Hillary: (letting go of Bill’s hand to shoot up arms) Yes!
Bill: Oh thank God.
Intern: I know, right, Mr. Clinton?
Bill: What?
Intern: That Hillary won!
Bill: What? Oh! Oh, alright!
Hillary: Bill, at last! After all these years, I’m finally going be President!
Bill: Alright, I’m going back to the White House! Yeah, it’s Party Time!
Hillary: (eyes widen) Right…
Trump/Pence campaign headquarters, Manhattan, NYC, 1:16 AM (EST):
Trump: Pierson, Bannon, get our people in Florida and Ohio on the line, this thing was rigged!
Pence: But we won several states that were supposed to go to Clinton –
Trump: Rigged! The whole thing’s rigged!
Pence: Donald –
Trump: Shut up, Little Mikey, you’re either with me or against me on this.
Pence: (under breath) (huff) I’m setting up a Pence 2020 Super-PAC on my phone this very minute. What do you think?
Trump: (looking up from his own phone) Sorry, what’d’ya say?
Pence: Oh! Uh, nothing.
Trump: Good, that’s how it should be.
Pence: (eyes narrow) Right…
Again, I wrote this back in October, so I was really off with which candidate won where and whom won what. ...And my apologies for this being such a long post...
