Commercials from Alternate Timelines

We interrupt "The Adventures of Hyperman" for these announcements.

Friends. Do you feel tired and lethargic? Worn out? Weary? Do you face the breakfast table as if your population has been reduced? Then try CONFEDERATE CORNFLAKES. Made from good old Southern corn will perk up your tastebuds and make you face the day with a sense of "Freedom!" CONFEDERATE CORNFLAKES. Buy some at your local grocer today.

Now back to our program on CSNT...

Friends. Are you tired of your tobacco? Does it taste stale, flavorless, even bland? Do you want the proper taste of tobacco?

Then join the United States Army and get some for yourself? Shoot a Reb or trade ham for it, it's up to you. But get yourself in uniform and do your country some good.

This has been brought to you by your local Conscription Board. See your recruiter before we see you!

When posting replies, is there a particular time period or style you are looking for?

Just note which timeline it is from, if it's not obvious.

From my planned Atari Lives! timeline on Alien Space Bats

June, 1982:

Gentlemen, You can have an IBM PC 5150 for $3500 or so, complete with 16K of system RAM. Color, mass storage, floating point unit, and printer extra.

Or, you can have an Atari 1000, with 80K of RAM, 256 colors, five 1MB MegaFlash storage cartridges, floating point unit, and Laser Writer printer standard, all for only $625.

(And you can even plug it into a Tandem Blade Server as a terminal with one plug!)

Atari, the choice is obvious!

July, 1983:

Gentlemen, you can have a Apple Lisa with a fancy CPU that processes 1.73 million instructions per second and the ability to zip between programs with the click of a mouse. For $10,000.

Or, you can have an Atari 1000 with a CPU that can process 3.57 million instuctions per second and the ability to zip between programs with a click of a mouse. For $550.

Oh, yeah, the Atari 1000 also makes full use of color monitors.

Atari, the choice is obvious!

January, 1984:

Superbowl commercials featuring Larry (IBM on his back), Curly (Commodore's Business Division) and Moe (Apple) fighting in that inimitable fashion, once on the Death Star, another time in American Revolitionary War Macaronis, and a third time on the set of Universal's Frankenstein, then cuts to an Atari Spokesnerd explaining the tangible technical, interface, and usibility superiorities of the Atari 1600. Including a base price of $725

Atari, welcome to the real revolution!

Try Swabian Ale, made from the purest Rhine River water, it's Franktastic! Bottled under authority of Emperor Dagobert the 40th of Austrasia, King of Burgundy and Lord of the Mexican Marches.

Buy now, 100% natural mercury! Miracle cure reduces likeliness of absolutely every illness! Get some before it's out!

"Victory Gin: Big Brother says it's double plus good."

"Soma[consume][copulate][consume]it's[consume][copulate][consume]bliss[consume][copulate][consume]..."

"PanAm Orbital Service: We go BEYOND the friendly skies."

Kalvan said:

June, 1982:

Gentlemen, You can have an IBM PC 5150 for $3500 or so, complete with 16K of system RAM. Color, mass storage, floating point unit, and printer extra.

Or, you can have an Atari 1000, with 80K of RAM, 256 colors, five 1MB MegaFlash storage cartridges, floating point unit, and Laser Writer printer standard, all for only $625.

(And you can even plug it into a Tandem Blade Server as a terminal with one plug!)

Atari, the choice is obvious!

July, 1983:

Gentlemen, you can have a Apple Lisa with a fancy CPU that processes 1.73 million instructions per second and the ability to zip between programs with the click of a mouse. For $10,000.

Or, you can have an Atari 1000 with a CPU that can process 3.57 million instuctions per second and the ability to zip between programs with a click of a mouse. For $550.

Oh, yeah, the Atari 1000 also makes full use of color monitors.

Atari, the choice is obvious!

January, 1984:

Superbowl commercials featuring Larry (IBM on his back), Curly (Commodore's Business Division) and Moe (Apple) fighting in that inimitable fashion, once on the Death Star, another time in American Revolitionary War Macaronis, and a third time on the set of Universal's Frankenstein, then cuts to an Atari Spokesnerd explaining the tangible technical, interface, and usibility superiorities of the Atari 1600. Including a base price of $725

Atari, welcome to the real revolution!

Click to expand...

And the American computer revolution gets even more velocity!

Nice.

Sigma7 said:

.....
"PanAm Orbital Service: We go BEYOND the friendly skies."

Click to expand...

Pan Am: The airline of choice for discerning alternate timeline travelers

GAB-1955 said:

Friends. Are you tired of your tobacco? Does it taste stale, flavorless, even bland? Do you want the proper taste of tobacco?

Then join the United States Army and get some for yourself? Shoot a Reb or trade ham for it, it's up to you. But get yourself in uniform and do your country some good.

This has been brought to you by your local Conscription Board. See your recruiter before we see you!

Click to expand...

I see what you did there.

***

Are you tired of pale skin? Not getting enough sun? Sandy hair means you burn easily? A life in the US Navy is the life for you!

***

Coming up next on BBC2, Simon Schama returns to the British Broadcasting Co-operative with 'George V: The Last King'.

(Music consisting of one bugle and a drum in background)

"Tonight, sponsored by Victory Gin and in special celebration of increased chocolate rations, the late show will feature Culture Minister Richard Santorum and the delights of magician Albert Gore! And now, here's your host, Harvey Oswald! Heeeeeeere's Harvey!"

(Music ends with flourish)

I smell some TL 191 going on.


Camera pans through dining area, showing pleased diners with attractive savory meals.

Refined, elegant narrator: At the Huntsmans' Lodge, you will find southern hospitality and cuisine, served [urbane chuckle] with northern efficiency! Come during our 'Celebration Hour,' from four-thirty to five, for half-price refreshments.

Wry white southern guy: Tell 'em, Xerxes!

View switches from dining to distinguished African-American in full waiter regalia, who at first clears his throat: At da Huntsmens's Lodge, we is at yo service! [big, big smile and a slight bow of the head]


(Inside joke for those who don't know and spoiler alert: Xerxes/Scipio in his previous career as a butler had been trained at considerable expense to be able to speak in a manner indistinguishable from freaking royalty. Later on, the punchline was that using this manner of speaking would be a dead give-away to his past identity --he kind of got caught up in an attempted Marxist Revolution-- and that he could either speak in the regal manner he was trained, or, he could speak with the extremely rural manner he grew up with, and, notably, nowhere in between. The owner or manager of the last place he worked at found out about Xerxes's talent after complaining several times that he'd love to promote Xerxes but couldn't get away with promoting a man who spoke like someone just in from years of heavy field-work.)

(Scenes of roadies carrying equipment across an empty stage)

Caption: Harrison.

(Strains of music from tuning instruments start to fill the air)

Caption: Starr.

(People walking into an open-air concert stadium. Music grows louder, a drum starts to beat in the background)

Caption: Lennon

(The crowd is growing larger. A series of chords scream out of a guitar)

Caption: Clapton

(A second guitar joins the first, and the crowd starts screaming.

(Fade to Black)

Caption: Together. Again. Live.

Caption: Summer 1992.

In the closing seconds of penalty time the mighty striker LeBron James of Altoona ASBs blasts one past the keeper on the near post securing the first ever Barclays Premeire League cup for a colonial franchise. Seconds later TV screens throughout the Empire light up with commercials peddling ASB's world championship jerseys/other crapola.

Good afternoon. Are you the second or even third son of a notable aristocrat? Are you set to inherit only a quantity of money and not the land which is your due? Then sign up for the Rugby Programme! We'll find you land in any one of Britain's colonies, from Rupertsland, to Upper Soudan, to New Nicaragua, to Shivapura, and many places more. Remember just because you're the spare, and not the heir doesn't mean you won't get an estate!

terms and conditions apply. infrastructure may not be in place on arrival. climate and inhabitants may prove hostile. competition with other applicants likely.

Land O'Smiles-The mild marijuana cigarette

Another TL-191 commercial, this time for radio:

The Woodward Red Line Subway is now open to E. C. Row in Windsor!

Take the T... Detroit's quicker way to travel.

The Soviet Union possesses over 1,000 ballistic missiles, each carrying a superatomic bomb. It takes just thirty minutes for such a missile to reach the United States.

A single atomic bomb could destroy your city, your home, your family entirely - unless you act to protect them.

Protect America. Join Civil Defense today.

VO: "Are you tired of being harrassed, just because you are "different"? Then we got the solution for you. How about vacation, but forever? At the Pat Robertson Resorts in Nevada, all people are just like you. Feeling "queer", "pinky", "godless" or different from normal Americans in any way? Then pack your bags and go to Robertson Resorts in Nevada. It'll be so much fun, you'll never want to leave. Robertson Resorts - The Place where you'll Rest in Peace."
...
VO: "You want to be a good American, yet you feel that something is missing? Then head to Law-Mart for our "Sensational Summer Sale". How about hand guns for 99$? Or shotguns for just 129$? Or do you prefer hand-to-hand-combat? No problem with our special brass knuckles for just 9$. Buy two and pay just one and a half. Or do you want some heavy artillery? Then we have M16s for just 249$ each. Don't miss our Sensational Summer Sale! Law-Mart - Now YOU are the Law!"
...
VO: "Get ready for the newest creation by the engineers of the Edsel Motor Company. It's hot, exciting and 100% American. The new Edsel Ranger. It's 361 cu in V8 engine provides this beast with the necessary power. What are you waiting for? Get the new Edsel Ranger right now!"
...
Anita Bryant: "Hi, I'm Anita Bryant. You may remember from the Mickey Mouse Club or other classic series. Well today I'm not going to tell you about the new adventures of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Today I'm telling you something about consumption. You see, consumption keeps our economy running, and the economy keeps our nation running. But in recent times, pinko liberals tried to brainwash decent Americans by telling them nonsense about "recycling" or "sustainability". The truth is, it's just all part of their agenda to undermine our great nation. So the next time when your tv, your car or your gun is broken, support our industries by buying a new one. Don't try to repair your old, broken things. Just throw 'em away. No one will care. Except for pinko communists. But they aren't American, you are! So do the American thing and consume, consume, consume!"