A British Wanking in King Henry's Court

A British Wanking in King Henry’s Court


1422: Domrémy, France

Isabelle Romée was a busy woman. The childrens’ clothes needed washing, dinner needed cooking, and various other household chores were also on this mother’s schedule. All of this coming before Marie’s[1] wedding tomorrow. In her occupation, Isabelle started wondering about the idleness of her daughter and if she could help with the chores. The more she though, the more reasonable it seemed. Hence:

“Joan, honey, can you come downstairs and help me with these infernal dishes?”

“But mom, I’m knitting a cute little hat for cousin Durand’s little baby. He’s soooo cute!”

“No. I need you more than that bundle of joy does. Come here.”

“Ughh. Fine, mom.”

And with that, Joan started out of her room. Sadly, the top stair was loose that particular day and became a tripping hazard that Joan’s foot refused to ignore. Joan tumbled down the staircase, but was amazingly unharmed, save her neck. Of course, this injury, a complete snapping of the spine, would prove to more than make up for the rest of them with its fatality.

Thus, on that day, Joan, the daughter of Jacques d’Arc, passed on from this world, and into the next.
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[1] Marie is not real to my knowledge, but Isabelle, Durand, and Jacques are.

I know it's short, but it may lead to great things.

French or other languages
English
*Thoughts*

My first attempt at a TL!

I was thinking that Jean d'Arc's death ITL wouldn't necessarily be the cause of an English victory in the Hundred Year's War, but some rather important butterflies will certainly change the outcome of the war.

Well written prologue.

Robert Guiscard said:

The title dear god the title!

Otherwise good.

Click to expand...

Its not the worse title and may become clear in due course.

I actually got replies! Now, though, I have to work on the story

My next update will be on the Treaty of Amiens. I am also going to try to make a joke here or there. Hopefully they aren't too corny.

Hopefully this is decent.

1422: Meaux, France
It was a beautiful spring day in the English camp outside of Meaux. Clear skies reigned after the storms of the previous days, all of the little alouettes were chirping, and even the latrines were smelling a little better than normal. This, however did nothing to ease the starving Français garrisoning the town, trying in vain to prevent English capture.

None of these French worries reached King Henry V, who was hungrily, yet happily, waiting for his lunch to be served. A little war in France is no reason for a king to forget his merry lunching habits, is it? As Henry waited, though, a minor French noble, the Count du Cahors[1], entered with a report:

“Bonjour, mon roi, how are you? I have the latest reports from the siege. The news is fairly good, but not anything decisive yet, I’m afraid.”

“It will fall soon enough, and I’ve got a long enough life ahead of me. However, I need to dust up on le old Français, so give me the report in full with your native tongue, sil vous plaît.”

“Oui. I just hope that the translation of what I am saying right now is accurate. I would hate for the histories of your victories to inaccurately describe this report.”[2]

“Merci. Also, I heard you’ve been married recently. Congratulations!”

“Oh, oui oui oui, merci, Marie[3] is a lovely wife and only a slightly less lovely dishwasher. Still, she will never complains, no matter what I do. And as you know, happy wife, happy life[4]. Say, how’s Catheri-“

The count was rudely interrupted with a lunch platter to the back, which got there via a stumbling, bumbling, clumsy maid of about seventeen who, between her appearance and the looks received from the king, had probably been “taken for a tumble[5]” by Henry in the near past. More importantly, Henry’s state-of-the-art sliced turkey and ham with bread separate[6] lay helplessly on the ground, begging for forgiveness from the king for its slightly possible contamination with dangerous dysentery-causing parasites[7]. Instead, Henry paid the poor lunch no attention and chuckled, to which the maid hurried off to fetch the king another meal.

The siege of Meaux lasted seven more days, but nothing even close what occurred that day in importance happened for the rest of the war.
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[1] If there is a real historical figure that fits this bill, PM me and earn yourself a gold star
[2] Original translation: “No significant progress against the walls has been made, but our somewhat limited intelligence inside the fort has told us of the starving conditions. The town should fall within a week.” Of course, this was NOT translated via Google Translate, so it is inaccurate.
[3] From now on, whenever a woman needs to be manufactured, her name will be Marie.
[4] The universal constant. Not subject to entropy.
[5] To quote Crusader Kings II
[6] The Earl of Sandwich probably won’t be existent in this TL, so no sandwiches.
[7] The first major butterfly. It’s a monarch.

It will be good to see what happens here.

Robert Guiscard said:

The title dear god the title!

Otherwise good.

Click to expand...

Calm Down. Don't fall into the trap the title offers.

A while ago I saw a Texaswank TL, and all I can remember is that it made me laugh almost as much as the Polanball thread. Thus, I am inspired to try and create something remotely funny in my TL.

Teutoberg Forest said:

None of these French worries reached King Henry V, who was hungrily, yet happily, waiting for his lunch to be served. A little war in France is no reason for a king to forget his merry lunching habits, is it? As Henry waited, though, a minor French noble, the Count du Cahors[1], entered with a report.
[1] If there is a real historical figure that fits this bill, PM me and earn yourself a gold star

Click to expand...

Can I suggest Richard, Count of Montfort, Vertus and Étampes. He is the grandson of John IV of Brittany, who fought along Britain in 1341. Also he is a stepbrother to Henry V, via his mothers marriage to Henry IV

His father was a great-great-great grandson of Peter I, Duke of Brittany, who in turn was a great-grandson of Louis VI of France. This made Richard a member of the House of Capet. He was also a great-great-great grandson of Henry III of England, through his great-great-grandmother, Beatrice of England, signifying the political and matrimonial alliances between the Kings of England and the Ducal House of Brittany.

Does this honour a gold star (I think at least a bronze )

Teutoberg Forest said:

More importantly, Henry’s state-of-the-art sliced turkey and ham with bread separate[6] lay helplessly on the ground, begging for forgiveness from the king for its slightly possible contamination with dangerous dysentery-causing parasites[7]. Instead, Henry paid the poor lunch no attention and chuckled, to which the maid hurried off to fetch the king another meal.
[7] The first major butterfly. It’s a monarch.

Click to expand...

I think this is the first time, an inflammation of the intestine causing diarrhea with blood, has been so dignifiedly been erased from history.

Jonathan said:

Can I suggest Richard, Count of Montfort, Vertus and Étampes. He is the grandson of John IV of Brittany, who fought along Britain in 1341. Also he is a stepbrother to Henry V, via his mothers marriage to Henry IV

His father was a great-great-great grandson of Peter I, Duke of Brittany, who in turn was a great-grandson of Louis VI of France. This made Richard a member of the House of Capet. He was also a great-great-great grandson of Henry III of England, through his great-great-grandmother, Beatrice of England, signifying the political and matrimonial alliances between the Kings of England and the Ducal House of Brittany.

Click to expand...

Someone knows their genealogies. Gold star. I'm going to keep my half-made-up Count du Cahors, though, because his name is fun to say in a French accent.

And the link to the Polandball thread. https://www.alternatehistory.com/discussion/showthread.php?t=292460&highlight=Polandball

I've decided not to post any updates until Kwannukamas is over. Don't worry, I'm still writing, I just want to build up a stockpile of updates in case I can't write. If anyone wants to recommend places for the timeline to go, post here or PM me. Also, if anyone finds good images to use, I am thirsty for good pictures. If you're a mapmaker willing to help a clueless writer, a few cameos are still available

Ok, the next update will hopefully be up within a day or two.

As a note, this TL will be updated erratically, but it should never take more than a month to update. If it's dead, I'll tell you, unless I die with it.

And yes, I know this is pretty crappy so far. Come off it, mates.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) this title ಠ_ಠ

It was a play on words. Since an AH wank is, well, a wank, and this TL will be somewhat of a Anglowank, I decided to, uh, take the plunge.

Starting to write this TL has made me realize how difficult it is to do so. I am woefully unworthy to rise to the challenge. Therefore, I declare this thread dead!

Basically I made a major error in research that caused irremovable plot bunnies, which would cause the story to go in an unwanted direction if fixed.